Fawns and Tadpoles and Toads, Oh My!

See the one horned buck on the left? He is very brave. He stands at the edge of the woods and when I call to him he comes forward. I get the bucket of corn and start to rattle it and he will start walking right towards me. As I throw the corn down he comes right up and starts to eat, even though I am only a few feet away. The does and fawns follow right behind but they are a bit more cautious. This is right on the edge of our driveway.

I have seen at least 3 sets of twin fawns and some singletons this year. They are growing so fast. They haven't lost their spots yet but they are starting to eat grass and corn. 
They are so adorable I just want to squeeze them to pieces!

We always have some sort of special project going on around here. This is a worm farm we built to ensure we had plenty of worms to fish with. I read some instructions in a kids magazine and that was it. Two plastic tubs, wet newspapers and a tub of worms from the bait shop and we were all set. The worms seem quite happy and so is Levi!

Another project we just started this week is one of opportunity. Chris and levi saw a bunch of frog eggs floating on the pond so they scooped some up and brought them into the house. They were only in the house for 1 day before they all started to hatch. We have several hundred tadpoles now! The white stuff floating on the water is cornmeal. Just in the couple of days since they hatched they have grown a lot. When they are a bit bigger we will transfer them to a baby pool on the patio and watch them as they grow legs, lose their tails and become frogs. Then back to the pond with them. 

Levi got a frog house for his birthday and before I knew we would have so many home-grown frogs, I got him a Fire Bellied Toad from the pet store. We have had fun catching bugs for him to gobble up. Levi named him Jetson. On his underside, he is bright red with the black spots. He has been a lot of fun to watch. 
Just another day in the burbs. 

Lists, Lists, and lists of lists

I am a list maker. I love lists. I love checking things off of lists. I am a nerd extrodinaire when it comes to lists. Right now I am in list overdrive. I am even dreaming of lists. I wake up at night and run down mental lists, checking and re-checking that I am on track. So here is a partial rundown of the current adoption-related, pick-up trip is soon list. (Note, some of it is not actually adoption related but are things I feel I need to get done before my time is devoted to bonding with Ahren)

1) Get paperwork in order
I-864 form - filled out and copied
last 2 federal tax returns, copied
notarized statement from Chris granting me all say-so in Guat
2) Clothes, shoes, socks for Ahren (in 2 sizes or adjustable) DONE
3) diapers, wipes, disposeable bibs, sippy cups, toothbrush, shampoo etc DONE
4) toddler medicines for fever, colds, lice, scabies, rashes, diahrrea, etc DONE
5) get money exchanged to quetzalas DONE
6) Make list of needed phone numbers and e-mail adresses to have with me
7) Get oil changed in van DONE
8) Get puppy spayed (appt is made)
9) Pack toys to entertain a toddler in a hotel room for several days DONE
10) Dentist appointments for the girls (scheduled)
11) Pick up Ashley's new glasses and contacts (scheduled)
12) Buy and pack lots of toddler friendly snacks DONE
13) Stock up on special dog food for Jackson DONE (how long does 70 lbs last for a 110 lb dog?)
14) Make pediatrician appt for right after we get home
15) Make travel plans, book hotel and flights
16) get prescriptions all re-filled (for me, Chris and the dog)
17) finish Thank You notes from Levi's party (ugh, this one is going to kill me)
18) send donated money to Lost and Found DONE
19) Buy new outfits for PBJ to take to her DONE
20) Clean out desk at work (hopeless....)
21) train others to fill in for me while I am gone
22) Buy and install new carseat DONE
23) Get Katie ready for her mission trip with the church
24) Get Katie to the DMV to fix her messed up permit

There are a million and one other little details that I am obsessing over. That's OK, it is keeping me busy and that is a good thing. If I survive it in one piece.....

Pix do my heart good

I am outta here guys! I'm heading to Texas. (I have a copy of his birth certificate in my hand, oh yeah!)OK, I will try and sit here while you annoy me with that flashy thing.
But you can't make a guy wait around too long. My Momma is coming for me and I need to be ready!
Just thinking about it makes me smile!!!

Cutie Patootie working hard at this walking business. Or maybe she is expressing her opinion on having to wait longer before she comes home???

Can you believe h ow big I am getting? And get a load of my adorable shoes. My foster Mommy has great taste!
Sending you kisses!

Random family stuff

Apparently Levi has been using his toothbrush to scrub something other than his teeth. This weekend I discovered that the bristles were all flattened and it had a funny color to it. (We are using the don't ask/don't tell theory on this one.....yuck) When I was at the grocery store Sunday night I picked him up a new one. I got him an electric one that has a character from Pirate's of the Carribean on it. I prefer the electric ones so that he gets maximum scrubbing while he plays at brushing his teeth. I pulled it out of the bag and handed it to him and his face just lit up. He played with it a minute, then looked at me and said, 'Mommy, why are you so nice to me?'

I gave him a huge hug and said 'Because I love you sooo much!'

The days of being able to show I love him with a $3 toothbrush are growing shorter. So are the magical powers I have to kiss away his hurts and to banish monsters from under the bed. The days where he will wear what I put on him without a fight, let me cut his hair myself and hold my hand in public. My little man is growing up way too fast.

The girls went to their Dad's house on Saturday to spend a week or two. Sunday Levi was crabby and I asked him why. He said he missed his best friend. Oh honey, who is that? He said Ashley. (It varies day to day, but it is always Ash or Katie who is his best friend) He said he needed to hold her hand. That she can make him feel better. I about cried. Or maybe I did a little....

Today we are supposed to get Ahren's new birth certificate. We should have had it last week, but the gentleman who signs them died. I can't complain about a week of extra wait, not when someone lost their life. So today we should have it. They have scheduled Ahren to get his passport photos today and they will apply for his passport later this week. They will also apply to the embassy for the approval to get the second DNA test performed. Once that is done we will receive our emabssy appointment and bring him home. It's about 3 weeks away now if all goes well. Those rabid wolves could still break in and pee on our file so I'm not holding my breath!

I packed Ahren's suitcase this weekend. It still doesn't seem real, and as I packed I thought to myself that at least these were all things I could leave with him. In my mind I still have not accepted that I won't be leaving him there ever again. I am still carefully guarding my heart. I am fearful that about the time I step off the plane in Houston with him it will all hit me and they will have to mop up my blubbering incoherant self. Lord have mercy when those defenses finally break down because I may not let go of the poor boy for a year!

Things I can say NEXT time....

1) Does it hurt to be so stupid?

2) Are you trying to be offensive or are you just ignorant?

3) Well at least my kids are cute!

4) I'm sorry, were you talking because all I heard was an annoying buzz.

Actually, what I have decided to do is send my friend a letter. Here is what I will say:

Dear friend,

I know your friend X didn't realize the impact of her words on Saturday but what she said was terribly hurtful to me. I don't know her but I would like for you to pass along this message for me.

Our son is not stolen nor was he bought from his birthmother. She made a plan before he was born and relinquished him at birth. She has been interviewed once in Family Court early on and again by the final court to insure that this is indeed what she wishes for her child. In addition, she has had to sign off on the case at 4 different times. At each of these interviews and signature points she had the right to reclaim her child, but each and every time she confirmed that this is what she wants for her son. Also, the birthmother and the child had to pass a DNA test early in the process to prove that she is indeed the birthmother and therefore has the right to relinquish this child (not stolen). There will be a second DNA test now to prove that the child is indeed the same child and no switch has taken place during the process.
There have been articles in the paper which you have undoubtably read, but the corruption and crimes only affect a tiny portion of the adoptions in Guatemala. Of course, the bad cases get all the press so that is all you hear about. Did you know that for every 3000 children who are successfully adopted from Guatemala, 30,000 dies from the affects of poverty? The current suspension of adoptions in Guatemala has taken place as they become Hague compliant and work to put more governance in place over adoptions. Cases that were already in process, like ours, have been grandfathered in but have also received an enormous amount of scrutiny as the new system is brought on line. This is one of the main reasons our case has taken so long.
As one adoptive parent to another, I am thrilled that your adoption was fast and successful. That is the way all adoptions should be, but the truth is that your case was the exception and not the rule. Unfortunately our expereince has not been that unusual and as long and painful as it has been, I still would not change it for the world.

You have been blessed with a wonderful daughter and I wish you nothing but the best as a family.

Sincerely,
Wendy

If I can educate just one person at a time, then I will feel like I am making a difference. Our children and our adoptions do not deserve to live under this terrible cloud of suspicion and accusations. Yes, some people did some very bad things and they have made a mess that the rest of us are dealing with. But the children still need families, loving homes, and have the right to live without this stigma.

I should have told her to shut up

In our adoption journey (as in traumatic 3 years) I have rarely run into anyone who was not supportive, kind, curious and pleasant when the subject came up. Until yesterday. We were invited to attend a birthday party for a little boy who our family is close to. The party was awesome. They had a bounce house, a pony cart giving rides and a train that drove around the neighborhood giving rides. This was the kind of kid's birthday party that dreams are made of!

We knew most of the people there. In fact, everyone but one couple and their little girl. I had never met this couple before. My friend Kim and I were standing in the kitchen when she asked me about how Ahren's final paperwork was coming. As I told her, this other woman chimed in asking where we were adopting from. I told her Guatemala and she proceeded to tell me that Guatemalan adoptions had all been stopped because people were stealing babies and forcing poor women to sell their babies. I started to explain that although there have been some problems, it is actually the Hague that has caused adoptions to be suspended for now. (I said this after I picked my jaw up off the ground) She went on informing me of the terrible problems and then told me they adopted thru a local agency and it only took 6 weeks from the time they were approved until they had their newborn in their arms. My poor friend was trying to get a word in edgewise at this point, and I just said 'well our adoption has been the opposite end of the spectrum and we have been in process for 3 years'. I then walked out of the door and away from the house before I burst into tears. 

What I had wished I said was , 'Jane you ignorant slut' a la Saturday Night Live, and then set her straight. I wish I had told her that although she had no doubt read the articles in the news, that there is so much more to the situation in Guatemala. I should have told her that for every 3000 kids that get adopted, 30,000 die from poverty and disease every year. I should have told her that although we have had a long hard adventure, we would not trade it for anything because God led us to these children. I wish I had said that ore than setting out to just add a child to our family, we felt drawn to the children of Guatemala and to making a difference in not only 2 lives, but in many many lives. 

Aw heck, I should have just slapped her.....

___________________________________________________________________

Added later.

OK, maybe I over-reacted. My nerves are raw, but whose wouldn't be. We have been fighting for so long, have hurt in ways others who haven't been there can't imagine, and she says it took less than 6 WEEKS to get her baby! It's not her fault. The pain is mine. The raw emotions are mine. The path we chose is our own. Still, we wouldn't change anything. Yeah, I wish it had been easy. I wish I could be obliviously happy and a sufferable know-it-all, but our journey was different. We have learned and grown in ways I never thought possible. Who knew that adversity really was a good thing? 

Obviously, I need to work on my reactions to others. Sigh. Sigh. Siiiiighhhhhhhh.

Then again....oh how much I need to therapeutically slap someone and she did seem to volunteer!!!

Colds make me stupid

I have a cold. It's not a horrible cold. I don't feel bad enough to stay home or lie in bed (not that I would get any rest if I did stay at home) but bad enough that I broke down and took some cold medicine. A little later I headed out for an errand and to pick up some lunch. I pulled thru the drive-thru, paid for my food, took the bag and then the cup and straw, and then sat there. The guy inside was busy and after a minute (or 5 or ten) he looked over and asked me what I was waiting for and I said 'my food'. He politely pointed to the sack nestled beside me. Being the super quick wit that I am, I said 'Oh' and drove away. Darn, that was my favorite drive thru and now I can never eat there again......

Y'all Knew Her When...

I just had to share a couple more. This is my total favorite so far. I can see my Katie in it, but see the woman she will be/is turning into.

And this one looks totally like a Vogue shot, but I can still see a hint of her freckles on her nose.

Now, to totally change the subject.....

I took Ashley to the eye doctor yesterday. She has worn glasses, or SHOULD have been wearing glasses (we have a bit of a compliance issue in this dept) for the past 2 years. Her prescription isn't much, but it is enough that she should be wearing them for distance. This past year she has been getting a lot of headaches and we attributed it to her not wearing her glasses. So I promised her contacts if she could show she would be responsible enough. She did everything I asked her to do to show me she was ready, so off we went to the eye doctor. They did a couple of new tests I had never seen before. One of them involved two images that she had to make come together into one. It has to do with the way your eyes/brain take the two images we see and converge them into one clean crisp picture. Well, she failed it. Apparently she sees everything as two images floating on top of each other. Her eyes and brain constantly strain to put them together, and that causes the headaches she has been having. She also has this odd habit of looking at things sideways, out of the corners of her eyes. She tried to read the eye charts that way. It's her way of compensating to get the images clearer. She says when she reads the words will float and shift on her. It also has messed up her depth perception (which is probably why she has always had eye/hand coordination issues) I asked the doctor what causes this and her answer was that it is commonly illnesses with high fevers during the first year of life, when the eye/brain system is developing and learning to function. Well that describes Ashley's first two years of life to a T. Luckily, it's just a matter of vision therapy to retrain her eyes/brain to bring the images together correctly. In 4-6 months of work she should be fixed good as new. Want to know something funny? Her dad has been really getting on her because she doesn't look at you when you speak to her. She turns her head and glances out the corner of her eyes. He thought she was avoiding eye contact because she was lying! We all feel like big heels right now.....

The photos from LA

This is probably bad timing to post this now, seeing as how Ashley has issues with getting enough attention and feeling inferior, but we just got some photos from Katie's photo shoot.

The photographer is Marcel Indik, and don't go googling him because I did and about freaked out. He has photographed a lot of celebs like Angelina Jolie, and he takes a lot of really super-sexy shots. Too sexy for a 16 year old girl. I wasn't at the photo shoot, but her Dad was and he said it was all very appropriate. I was still afraid.....

They started out with shots of her looking very natural, then progressed each outfit, hair and make-up to more and more high-fashion looks. Here is the first look.

Katie liked this outfit the best. It was fun, she said. She really liked the hair, too. No idea why she is posed like that, but I am not a professional.
This is my favorite. The copy on here just doesn't do the color of her eyes justice. In the original they are turquoise blue and vibrant.
And the dreaded swinsuit shot. I know, I know, I said you would never see them, but I cropped out her lower half and it's a one-piece suit. See the funky line down the right side? I did that, somehow. Ooops.
This photographer is amazing!!! I can't believe that is my baby girl. I can only say that I am totally freaking out.

No flames here

To the last anonymous poster from my last entry...you have a very valid point. She does sometimes read this and I surely didn't mean to hurt her feelings. These are issues we address on a routine basis with her so they wouldn't surprise her. I just don't know how to reach her. I want her to be great. Not just good, not just fine, but the great person I know she can be. I love her to pieces, but I don't understand her sometimes. I try to give her logical consequences for her actions but they don't seem to have any impact on her. She has a completely brilliant mind and I think most of the time she is just waaaay ahead of me. So I am stumped. I really don't know how to get her past these things. Honestly, I think I will have her read it and explain to her how worried I am about it. Maybe the fact the whole internets can help will make a difference to her.

Ashley is a special child. When she was little she often would tell me about the family she had before she came to us. (I gave birth to her) She would tell us all about them. Their names, where they lived, how they talked. She talked about this for years, until it finally just faded away and now she doesn't remember. She has always struck everyone as an old soul in a young body. She just has this aura about her. She was sick for the first two years of her life and had a couple of surgeries and hospitalizations. She is my only lefty, very artistic, extremely smart, has the gift of gab, and is turning into quite the beauty. She is also funny, sparkly and spunky. Although she walked later than most, she decided to ride a bike at the age of 5 and hopped onto a neighbor kids and took off, never falling once. She is sweet and sassy, can argue circles around anyone and can make a grown woman cry with frustration.

Ash, you are awesome and I love you sooo much. I hope you feel that all the way down to your toes every moment of every day!!!!

Parenting Dilemas

I am usually pretty good at managing my kids behaviors. If what I try doesn't work, I get creative and keep working at it until I see the desired change. 

But.....there are a few times where I end up wanting to tear my hair out, punch a clown or run away. There is a couple of issues with Ashley, my creative strong-headed child. One is a minor issue. She is loud. Not just loud, but very, very LOUD. When she was little she had a lot of ear infections and lost some hearing. For a while they discussed hearing aids but after more sets of tubes, sucking the goo out of her inner ears and some other treatments, her hearing now registers in the mostly-normal range. This is why I think she is so loud when she talks. Then again, maybe it is the drama queen part of her personality that drives her to be the center of attention. Being loud guarantees everyone hears her. The problem is she will do this in the car, seated next to me and it is painful! She will also say inappropriate things (she definitely knows better) really loud so that other people hear her and look. I call this issue minor because it is annoying but mostly benign. 

The other issue is she absolutely does not respect anyone else's privacy, space or belongings. I understood when she was much smaller when she would get into my things, play in my shoes, mess with my make-up, etc. Now she is 13 years old and she still constantly disrespects others. her main target is her older sister Katie. Today she had some friends over. I reminded her to stay out of Katie's room. The girls were upstairs getting ready for a party at the church tonight and when I checked on them, they were all in Katie's room and Ashley had locked the door. Tomorrow, when all her friends go on a horse-back riding outing, Ashley will be sitting at home thinking about respecting other people's space. I don't expect that to have one tiny bit of impact on her, though, because I have meeted out enough consequences to bend Napoleon to my will by this point. I guess I will start locking Katie's room just to protect her stuff, but that isn't a solution, just a roadblock. I am at my wits end on this one.

Then there is Levi. He is still as sweet as ever, but suddenly about 2 months ago he began wetting the bed. About once every 10 days he has an accident, usually just before the time he usually wakes up. He is embarrassed and sensitive about it. I suggested pullups and he was mortified. I hate to smash his self-esteem by forcing him into what he feels are baby pants, but it would be nice to not have to strip his bed and wash all his sheets, etc. So why does a child who has been completely potty trained for 2.5 years and who has never had night time accidents before, suddenly have an issue with it? Is it because he is drinking more because it has been really hot the last couple of months? or is it because he is sleeping 11-12 hours night and that is just too long for his little bladder to handle? Or is this some sort of developmental phase he will pass through and I should just ignore?

I feel like I am pretty competent at this parenting thing most of the time. And yet, the little buggers sure keep me on my toes. Each day brings something new. I love it, I dread it, I live it. It will be a miracle if none of my kids ends up in a rubber room. For me, that might be a welcome break......

So much excitement

I am soooo excited that we have a 3-day weekend and NOTHING planned. I will spend some time getting clothes ready and washed for Ahren, organizing the boy's closet and beginning to pack my suitcases. I am also going to knit, knit some more and top that off with knitting. There may or may not be spontaneous trips to seek out new yarn, but there will probably be much fondling of yarn from my stash. I know, I can hardly stand the excitement of my life. But someone has to be me!

Julia challenged me with listing 5 things I cannot live without, so here goes. (Again, the excitement may be too much for some viewers)

1) Sleep. I have always needed sleep. I can barely function on too little sleep. Eight hours is necessary to me being human. Less than that and all bets are off!

2) Sunshine. Love, love, love the sun. Love to be outside, love to enjoy nature, have to have sunshine to be happy. I think I might have been a lizard in a former life and spent my days lying on a rock in the sun, because I would really love to be able to do that now.

3) My mini-van. It is a giant rolling cup-holder, trash-can and child hauler all in one. I can fit amazing amounts of things into it (gotta love the seats that fold into the floor) I use it to haul garden supplies, groceries, furniture and cheerleading squads. The only thing I would have added is a floor drain so I could just hose the thing out. Let's just say that the $29.99 special at the carwash is something I really get my money's worth from, especially after the traumatic Smothie King accident of 2007 (half melted berry smoothie upside down on the floor).

4) Good water pressure. Our last house had pathetic water pressure, especially in the early morning when everyone's sprinkler system was going off. I like a nice hot, invigorating shower in the morning and having to stand under a wimpy trickle just makes me irritable. Now we have great water pressure and I come out of my shower happy and clean and ready to face the day.

5) Cell phones. How did people keep track of their families before the advent of cell-phones? Our phones are essential to keeping connected. I have even learned to text although I am horribly slow at it. I don't really talk to anyone else on my cell phone, just my family, but without it I am lost. If I forget my phone my anxiety level shoots up and I start to imagine all kinds of emergencies and situations where I am needed and they can't reach me. (You know, because I am just that important....yeah, when they need money!)

So there you go. I warned you. And to think I used to do really exciting things like skydive and travel. Now my biggest excitement is 1 cup of coffee or two......

Oh, and the cakes for the party? I totally did not make those. I heated up the hotdogs all by myself, though!

Time to get real

A good friend of mine has challenged us all to get real. You can read about it at her blog http://thevoiceofadventure.blogspot.com/

I grew up in a middle-class suburban family. Dad went to work every day in a suit and a tie, Mom cleaned and ironed and fed us jello salads from the Better Homes and Gardens cookbook. My parents never yelled. I never saw them fight (although I do remember one incident where mom didn't talk to dad for about 3 days....hee!) When we were little we wore matching outfits my mother lovingly sewed for us (although my sister HATED this, I loved it!) She even made matching outfits for our baby dolls. If it had been any more picture perfect bluebirds would have circled my head.

Fast forward to my home. Chris leaves the house at 4:30 am every day and arrives back home around 6:30 pm. I head out around 6:30 am and walk back thru the door around 5 pm usually. Dinner is not a planned event and with everyone's schedules we rarely sit down at the same time. There are sticky spots on my tile floor, the carpet has been cleaned twice this year and already is heading back to disgusting, there are sticky fingerprints everywhere. Last night I noticed there is a big cheese smear on the TV screen. The only reason I noticed is it interfered with the picture in a way that annoyed me! The kids broke the gate across the foyer, the brand new gate intended to keep Baby Holly (who Nanny also watches) from scaling the stairs. I picked up 7 (count them 7!) half empty cans of soda (we don't usually have soda around but it's leftover from the party....) Katie decided to do laundry at some point but left a load in the washer for who knows how long. Ashley let Levi put make-up on her. The deer ate all my strawberries, watermelon and cantaloupe plants and the tomatoes got forgotten a couple of days and shrivelled up in the heat. Someone spilled sweet tea inside the refrigerator and left it.

But, there is no yelling in our house (except mostly happy, fun loud noises) The kids are all doing great. The house is still standing. No one has drawn blood for a long time. We even have bluebirds, but they stay in the bluebird house in the back yard and don't seem inclined to swirl around my head.

I am full of self-doubt most days. I am also exhausted, grumpy, impatient, disorganized and generally in scramble mode. I am also very blessed, happy, proud and loving it all. All I can say is I keep trying every day to be better, to do better and to align my life with what the bible has taught us.

So welcome to my imperfect life!

Random stuff and junk

Chris's cake, complete with metal John Deere tractor that looks just like his real one.

One of the four little pools we had to play in, plus water guns.
The bounce house/water slide combo.
Katie's cake. Doesn't it look like something out of Dr. Seuss??
Levi's cake, keeping with the beach theme.

The party this weekend was fantastic. The weather mostly cooperated and the bounce house/waterslide combo was a huge hit. We ended up with many very tired and happy kiddos at the end of the day. I didn't get many pictures because I was just too busy having a good time! We collected about $250 for our missionary friends in Guatemala who have dedicated their lives to helping orphans there. Don't worry, levi still had quite a few presents to open and he was happy as a clam!

Chris wired the last part of our payment to the attorney in Guatemala last week, and ironically it got all the way to his bank but not into his account. He could tell it was there but not get it. Is it wrong that I think this is really funny? How's that for karmic boomerang!

I picked up buffalo wings for the girls for dinner last night. As they sat there eating, Katie suddenly gasped and grabbed her face. Somehow she had managed to splash buffalo sauce in her eye. Yikes! Don't worry, she was fine in a minute after her eye watered enough to wash it out. But I have to wonder.....how did she manage that?

Levi is officially 5 years old. My baby...wah! He used the word 'imposter' the other day, so I asked him what it meant. His answer: someone who pretends to be someone else. He scares me....

This summer, my work group has 2 interns. Two really, really good interns that are cranking out major amounts of good work. Of course, that doesn't prevent us from tormenting them. Or pulling pranks on them. Bwah hah ha hah...... work is a lot of fun these days!

A follow up

I will share this man's name and all associated names as soon as I have Ahren in my arms. Even though he is legally ours, and even though I have a burning need to OUT all the bad people, I also have fear. This man has to finish several things before we bring him home. Frankly, the system is set up so that the adoptive parents have no rights, the children have no rights, and the people in charge have all the power. And believe me, some of them are not above retaliation.

We went ahead and paid ONLY the fees we legitimately owed. There were some threats of not finishing our case if we didn't and frankly it just isn't worth risking Ahren to keep the moral high ground at this point. We were not asked to pay any additional 'unknown' fees, but I know many others have been hit up with these types of requests. A thousand dollars to bring in the birth mother to be interviewed, a thousand dollars for vague paperwork issues, etc etc. and no progress on the case until the fees are paid. There are no new adoptions starting and these people are getting desperate. Desperate people cannot be trusted.

So the lesson is, it is, well hell, what is the lesson? I don't know. I do know that I will continue to do everything I can to bring about change in this system. I have talked to the people at Dateline and given them info that went into their story that aired a few months ago, I have talked to people at the US Embassy, I have talked to local news stations, I have talked to individuals all over the world. Want to know a secret? It's not just Guatemala, and it's not just international adoption. The problems run much much deeper.

Thank you for listening, for understanding and for supporting me. We started this journey to grow our family never intending it to become our crusade. But hey, see a need, fill a need! And a special thanks to Ana's Mom for defending me!

Love to you all!

I hates them all....Updated at bottom

This is a string of e-mails between us and the attorney in Guatemala.

Good afternoon,
My husband and I would like to suggest something. We know that money has been tight for your hogar lately. We also know that soon our case will be approved and we will begin the final process to bring him home. How would it be if we decided to pay a portion of our final fees at certain milestones in the final stage? Maybe $2500 at the new birth certificate, $2500 at the DNA test and the last $5000 once we receive the Pink appointment?
Thank you,
Wendy

The response:
thank you veryu much, I apreciate it very much.


yes I accept it. thank you


yes your file will be appruved very soon.

Then, after we wired the first payment, we get this:

you told me you want to help me so I understood you want to send me the money before the process finished. but if the adoptino finish the way you can help me is sending us the full amount.

Followed by several more along the vein of:

tell me what is happening with my peyment. it is taking so long.

So my sweet hubby tries his hand at explaining this:

Senor:

It was our understanding that you had agreed to our offer to pay you when certain steps had been accomplished. On June 16, the Monday after our son's case was approved by PGN, I wired you $2,500 plus $189 for immunizations and DNA testing, and later the same week my wife sent another $1,000 by Western Union. If you have not received these 2 payments, please let me know so that we can track down the money.There are still things to be completed before our son can come home to us, and as soon as they are completed, you will be paid. That was our offer to you which you accepted. We appreciate all you have done, but your work is not quite done.
Chris

The response:


no this is not correct at least I did not understood like you say now.

your expresion was we know you have economical problem so we want to help you sending you money. so I undestood you want to send me money before your adoption was finished with this you could help me.

but you never told me you was the one who need the help. if you send the money in drops I am helping you and not you to me.


sorry but I have to pay a lot of things also the lawyers in charge of your process and without money they will not give one step to finish your process.

so I need that you send me my fee as soon as tomorrow so we can finish your process.

another family who finish yesterday they already paid us without all those problems and e-mail that you had sent to me.

At this point, my sweet, sweet hubby let loose:

Senor:

I am sorry that you did not understand our offer.

I am very sorry to learn that we have to pay a ransom to get our son’s case completed. When a life is involved and money is demanded, that is a ransom, it is not business.

We have invested our hearts and waited for 2 ½ years to get our son, and the only hope we have had for all of this time is that good people were taking care of Darien, and that these people cared about Darien as a person and not just as a way to make money.

I know that we cannot bring Darien home until the process is complete, so your collateral is safe. All we have is your word that you will complete your job.

I will wire the money to you today. I hope your lawyers stop hiding behind a 2 ½ year old child and do their jobs.

Chris

He got this response back:

The lawyer told me yesterday she sent the file to the city hall to get the birth certificates with your surname.

and this office take 5 days to issue the birth certificates.


Is it wrong that I hate them all so very, very much???
_________________________________________________________________
Update:
We got one final e-mail yesterday, after wiring all of the money (which supposedly is not due until the process is FINISHED)

Take a deep breath and read on.....


I do not want go deep in filosophy and I do not want to continue talking about the same thing for ever.

but you are paying us for the legal adoption process we do sell children. so my part of the process is to keep safe and healthy your son and we did it perfectly, and your part of the process is to pay for all the expenses.


so please do not say you are the victim because you are not.


also understand the lawyers have not love in the procedure they work and now they want their fee.



also we love the children but we can not pay with love milk, diaper, doctors, medicines, inmunization, Ect and we can not wait until you decide it is time to pay.



please understand and do not answer about the same thing again. for me we have finish with the subject.


we have not the money yet in our acount so I can not aceverate (confirm) that you paid.

Note: I have been paying the foster family directly for a year for medical care, food and clothes. It was the only way we could insure Ahren stayed in that foster home and received good care (which he most certainly has had the BEST care!!!) We have also donated supplies and money to this man's hogar (orphanage) And these lawyers who need to be paid? They are the same ones who screwed up the original paperwork so badly it took us 18 months to get his original birth certificate.

The definition of peace: seeing this man's face in my rear view mirror and never, ever, ever giving him a thought again, as long as I live. He and his 'values' and 'love for the children' are not worth one single bit of my energy. Amen!

Party like it's 1999

Last Monday was Katie's birthday, the day after father's Day. Yesterday was Chris's birthday and next Monday is Levi's birthday. This 2-week span is a non-stop celebration around our house. This year I decided to throw a party. A triple-whammy birthday party.

So what kind of big party can you throw in late June in southern Texas and not kill the guests with the heat? A beach theme party! I rented a water slide/bounce house combo, a big tent, some fans, and tables and chairs. I have several little wading pools for the smaller kids, water guns, super soakers, water balloons, and anything else wet I can get my hands on. I have beach balls and decorations. There will be 3 cakes, balloons, hot dogs and chips. We will crank the AC down low and let people wander in and out at will to keep cool. Heck, if it goes really well Chris may even give tractor rides! (Let the Redneck games begin...)

I am deep into the planning, buying and organizing for this event. It is really pretty simple. Easy menu, entertainment, tent and tables/chairs to be set up and taken down by rental company, invitations were all sent via e-mail (If you didn't get one consider this your invitation now) Oh, and no presents. Instead, we are accepting donations for our friends in Guatemala who run an orphanage. (Lost and Found Ministries is their charity name and they work at Casa Angelena) They don't know we are doing this. I want to surprise them!

Monday...Again?

Levi spiked a fever Thursday afternoon, and it continued all day Friday. It ran 102-103 and was so hard to keep down even with a Tylenol/Motrin combo and cool compresses. He didn't have any other symptoms except the fever. I took him to the clinic first thing Saturday morning and he has strep throat. He felt a little better yesterday and by last night was getting back to his usual self, although not eating. That's the worst thing about when he gets sick, his little body just doesn't carry any reserves. Luckily he was drinking enough fluids.

Katie's photo shoot went really well. It lasted 7 hours and she had 8 outfits, all original designs by the wardrobe guy. There was the photographer, his assistant, a make-up artist, a hairdresser, the wardrobe guy, her Dad and her manager. I wish I had been there. Her manager said she did an amazing job. At one point the photographer took a shot, paused to look at it on his camera and said, 'Hello New York'. I can't wait to see the shots. Of course I will share with all of you (except the swimsuit shots...that would be just ewww for me to post. You perverts out there will just have to deal with it!)

New photos of Ahren. Hopefully the next ones will be taken by ME! The second pic really shows his personality. He is a delightful little imp. Oooh, I just want to get my hands on him and never let go!!!!!

Lessons in Frustration

Lesson #1:

After Katie's car accident, the insurance company for the driver began working with us to settle. As part of that, they will re-pay our health insurance provider everything they paid in medical bills related to the accident. This is called a 'subrogation claim' (no idea if that is how it is spelled but I am too lazy to look it up). We are about to finalize the settlement, so I need to know what the total subrogation claim amount is and supply it to the auto insurance rep. Sounds simple, right?

First came the phone tree, one of those voice-activated ones. After repeatedly saying 'other service' and on the verge of getting a live person, someone walked into my office and said something, which the auto-directing system misunderstood and they sent my call to the wrong office. That woman wanted to help me, but ended up putting me on hold for several minutes and then forwarding me on to another person. In India. Who had no idea what I was talking about.

I explained, in short words, that I needed to know the amount of money the medical insurance had paid out so that the auto insurance company could re-imburse them. I said it slowly, loudly and carefully. She interrupted me numerous times. She then decided that since she had no record of anything I was talking about, she needed to create a new claim. For 10 minutes I answered questions. They started out fine. Name, SS#, group #, etc. Then the date of the accident, where the police report was filed, etc. Then it got bizarre. She wanted to know what my daughter's injuries were. I gave a brief outline. Then she asked me, 'Did she have bruises all over her body?'. She also wanted to know the names of the other passengers, which seat each person was in, and were any of them on our insurance. She asked many more questions, all seemingly unrelated to how much the claim would be for. I stopped answering them after I began to get a really uneasy feeling. Seriously, why would it matter how bruised she was? Freaky.

When this process was complete, she told me she would turn it over to the people who handle it and they would do their part. Yeah, I really have faith, lady. So I called the original number back, navigated the phone tree yet again, got a live person and told them this story. The poor woman at the other end was laughing so hard I could hardly understand her. 'She asked you WHAT?'

Needless to say, I am going to need to follow up on this one.

Lesson #2:

When being helpful and attempting to make travel arrangements for other people, certain very picky other people, who want you to use their favorite travel site and not yours, do not be surprised when it comes around to bite you in the derriere.

Katie and her Dad left this morning for LA. Unfortunately, when they arrived at the airport, they found out that I had booked an 8:30 PM flight and not the AM flight I intended. Doh! I got a call from Katie in which she spoke half the words above the audible hearing spectrum. It took a minute before I understood what had happened. I had to tell them to go to the ticket counter, tell the person that their travel agent is an idiot, and to get onto an earlier flight. They are on their way now and will be arriving 30 minutes later than expected. Tragedy averted. The photo shoot is all day tomorrow. Good luck Baby Girl!

Lesson #3:

PBJ's file was resubmitted to PGN, and immediately rejected AGAIN! They are demanding a second review of the investigation. The courts cleared the case, cleared the attorney of any wrong-doing and cleared the birth mother issues. But PGN still wants yet another review of the file before they will accept it. Either there is something we don't know about, or PGN is full of insane idiots who spend their days thinking up new and bizarre ways to keep babies away from families and cause more grief. I bet it's the latter of the two. At least I know I will be seeing her soon!

The dreams have begun...

I have very vivid dreams that I usually remember every day. I can remember dreams I had in the past, way back to my childhood. I even have favorite recurrent dreams that are like old friends to me. But I also frequently have anxiety dreams. You know the type. You are at work and realize you are not wearing pants. You have a test but you can't find the classroom. You are being chased but your legs are made of lead and you can't move. The classics.

I have begun to have anxiety dreams about picking up Ahren. Last night I dreamed I was at the hotel and I had him and PBJ there with me. They were both asleep and Katie had a high fever. I needed to get her some medicine, so I left them in the room and went to the pharmacy. I couldn't make the pharmacy understand what I wanted. Finally, I wrote it on a piece of paper and they understood and I got it. When I got to the elevator to go back upstairs, a man in a wheelchair fell over in front of me and I had to stop and help him. Then I couldn't get the elevator to come. Once I got off on our floor I couldn't find our room. Finally, I found it, but the door was ajar. When I went in it was a mess and no one was there. I saw blood, then I heard crying. I finally found Ahren and PBJ on the floor behind the curtains, only they weren't kids anymore, they were cats! (Ahren the cat still had curly hair) That's when I woke up.

I hate dreams like that! I know it's just anxiety (and maybe a bit of psychosis...) but they leave me unsettled all day afterwards. Arghhh.

Good news is that the attorney picked up Ahren's file, the birth mother signed off and they have submitted for the new birth certificate. We are cooking right along. I also should find out soon a little bit on PBJ's case. The attorney on her case who had been in trouble with PGN had the final hearing last week and they were supposed to have dropped the charges and resolved the issue. That would mean her case could be submitted back to PGN right away. That would be fantastic!

Super Sweet Sixteen

Yesterday my sweet sweet girl turned 16 years old. Impossible! My adorable bald-headed baby girl 16 years old? No way. Someone stop time! Arghhh!!!!

I have to tell you a story about Katie. This is a peek into the heart and soul of this child of mine. Last week she was at christian camp, the one she goes to every year and loves. On Thursday morning, after a week of staying up late and getting up early, she decided to get up extra early (4 hours of sleep kind of early) and attend the morning 'boot camp'. This is a session on the beach where they flex their bodies, share some worship and stop to take a deep look into themselves. The lesson that day was about worries. They were talking about how worrying about things can drain you and how wonderful it is to just be able to turn those worries over to God. They each found a stone, thought of something that had really been worrying them, then placed the worry into the stone and flung it out into the ocean, releasing it to God. Katie thought about Ahren. About how long we have fought to bring him into our family and how at every turn things went wrong. She placed that worry into her stone and flung it as far as she could. She turned it over to God to handle. The next day as my tired and happy girl came off of that bus I was able to run to her, grab her in a huge hug and tell her Ahren was ours. When she shared the story of the stone with me, we both had tears in our eyes. She is truly beautiful inside and out.

Speaking of beauty, she has her first photo shoot in LA this weekend. Her dad is flying out with her this time. These will be the foundation of her portfolio and what will be used to shop her around. (Geez that sounds bad! Visions of Pretty Woman flashed thru my head.....) She is cool as a cucumber. Her Dad is a tad nervous. This will be his first photo shoot. I predict it will be a long and boring day for him. At least he doesn't have to concern himself with make-up, hair or wardrobe. The stylists take care of all of that. (How cool is that?) Her Dad's job is to be visible all the time and be sure nothing unacceptable happens, like photos that are inappropriate for OUR 16 year old. (What is OK for some 16 year olds is up for debate...)

Blessings

Happy Father's Day to all of you who are fathers!!! I know blog-land is heavy on the female front, but you Daddy's out there need a shout out!

So, Ahren is really coming home. I still can't believe or understand that in the full sense of it. We were going to bring home an 8 month old boy. Then later adopt a toddler girl. So much for well laid plans! Now we are bringing home a little boy. A child with his own ideas, own thoughts, own language. Can you feel the shift? I can. A baby is so different than a pre-schooler. Maybe I am lucky I have experienced 3 pre-schoolers before. But none of them are the same. Not really. I understand the underlying pre-school psyche allright. But a preschool psyche torn away from everything he has ever known, different language, strange home, stranger people? Whole different ballgame this time. 

We spent all day Saturday working on being ready. Carseat - check. Clothes - check. Pajamas - check. Shoes - check. Diapers, wipes, sippy cups, bottles, socks, toys, bed, etc. All Check. Physically we are set. 

Levi wanted to buy so many things for Ahren and matching things for him. We bought lots of matching shirts, boots, toys, shorts, outfits. He wants Ahren to be just like him. I keep telling him how Ahren may cry, throw fits, etc and he just says he will be there to hold his hand and let him know it is OK. How sweet is that? He says he loves his brother and wants t help him. 

I think we are getting there emotionally. All of us. The last crazy ride on the roller coaster...

Wheeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Friday the 13th

Today I have a riddle for you.

What takes *2 years, 5 months, 4 days, a million tears and a billion prayers and ends with a festive banana?

Anyone????

Ahren is out. He is now officially and legally our son. It will be 4-8 weeks, depending on the american side of things, and we will go bring him home. I wish there were some tears left to cry, happy ones this time......

*from referral of a 9 day old, 5 pounder to OUT.

We interrupt the previous announcement

to bring you PBJ updates. At the beautiful age of 20 months our little princess is standing (with a little support) creeping around furniture, and took 4 wonderful wobbly steps! Woohooo!!! You go girl!!!!

Professional Help

I have thought for a long time that I should probably seek out someone to talk to about the stress of the 'adoptions from hell', layoffs and re-organizations at work, car wrecks, teenagers, modeling careers, step-parents, etc etc etc. I mean, I am only human and how much can one person handle before requiring a white jacket with long arms and rubber wallpaper? The only problem is.....who in the world could truly understand the unique stresses of my life? I need someoneone who gets it. Not someone who offers solutions (which there are none) or advice or platitudes.

I searched and searched for just the right person to dump, I mean share, my problems with. Finally, I found him. He sits for hours and listens, he never offers advice or tries to solve my problems. He never judges me even when I share the ugliest parts of my inner being. He doesn't bat an eye when I tell him I give up. He never gets tired of hearing the same things over and over and over again. He lets me cry and rant and whine and be completely unreasonable and he never seems to mind one bit. He has heard me say ugly, nasty things about others, and I meant them! It doesn't phase him. He is absolutely the perfect listener.

Please meet Dr. T. Bear

Ha Ha Katie!

Katie left for church camp on Saturday. As part of her preparation, she was supposed to fill out a questionnaire about herself, her relationships, etc. The counselors use these to start discussions in their small groups. 

Katie procrastinated, and waited, and ignored it, and never got around to filling it out. 

Soooo, I filled it out for her! She can thank me later. 

What do you enjoy doing?

    Eating, scratching and olympic belching.

In your free time, where do you like to be? 

  Anywhere but jail.

Who has been the biggest influence on your life?

  My mom. She is the best. I love her so much. She is the sweetest, kindest, funniest, prettiest, most loving person I know. My Mom rocks!!! She is the inspiration for me to be great. She has shown me how to be the best person I can be, and she is always there for me. I love my Mom more than anything!!!! She is the wind beneath my wings. (there might have been more ....continued onto the back of the page)

What do you want to be when you are grown up?

  Umm, taller. Older. With money. 

What is a goal you have for yourself?

  Gradiate from hi sckool

Maybe next time she will complete the paperwork herself. If not, I have her back!!!!

Love, 

Mom ;-)

Mom of the year!

You know, the other day I felt like such a failure, but today I look back at this week and all I see is greatness. Monday evening I came home, scooped up kids and dragged them to the grocery store with me. By the time we got home Levi was starving so I let him eat some gummy worms and by the time dinner was ready he wasn't hungry anymore. Gummy worms for dinner. Hey, at least they are fat-free!

On Tuesday evening, he was helping me water the plants when he announced he needed to pee. I pointed out a nearby bush and let him have at it, right there in the front yard. Human urine helps keep the deer away from my landscaping. Bonus!

Wednesday evening I was baking some Amish Friendship bread and he informed me that he fermented starter smelled like wine. How proud was I that my 4 year old has the nose of a future sommelier. 

Thursday evening I was preparing dinner when I realized I hadn't seen Katie. I called her phone and found out she was at a friend's house. She claims she told me the day before but I have no memory of it. She's almost grown, so losing her for a bit here and there is just practice for sending her off to college. 

Friday I stayed late for a party at work, tasking my dear hubby with kid duty. Woohoo! Free beer and wine. What kids????

Saturday I worked in the yard a lot, with my little helper Levi by my side. He started out with a shirt on, but shed it at some point. It was only later I realized how long he had gone topless when I saw his pink shoulders. My son's first sunburn. Nice. 

Today we worked some more in the yard, got cleaned up and then went to a movie. I fed Levi popcorn and candy for lunch at the movies. Hey, the snack-pack is the best value deal. Besides, they were out of nachos. 

I am still patting myself on the back for this stellar week of super-mommyness......

Thanks!

Thanks everyone for all the kind words and support. I definitely have my days! It feels like the closer we get to bringing a child home, the more pressure there is. Funny, though, I am not afraid of bringing him home, I am terrified we WON"T bring him home. Every time I get my hopes up they get smashed to smithereens and I just can't take anymore.
I just want to get to the point where I am actually able to really plan and do something, not just think about it. I want ACTION! I want to dig in, make lists, go shopping, get ready! But I can't do anything until I know for sure. Limbo. No worse. Purgatory. That's what this is!

Why do I feel like a failure?

No matter what I do, no matter how hard I try and no matter how accomplished my kids are, I feel like a failure. Mothering is the most important thing I have ever done, and the one thing I feel like I am the worst at. Why? Why do I feel like this? Is it normal mother-guilt? Is it some inherant flaw in my psyche? Am I just a failure??? Why???

 I know that being a mother (not a father) is filled with guilt. I realized that very soon after my first child was born. The overwhelming guilt became my close companion. I felt guilty about everything and people all around me fed that guilt. Was my baby eating enough? Were her diapers wet/dirty enough, did she sleep, poop, cry, smile, etc etc etc when she should. Everything about her had a comparison. Luckily, she was a superstar baby, exceeding all 'normal' curves. I was so confident. Then baby #2 came and all my confidence was blown away. 

By the time Levi was born, I was older, calmer, more experienced, and yet, the guilt was still with me. Why??? I don't know.

And now, with the new kids coming, I have no confidence. I am a mess. Again, WHY???? I am an intelligent,  compitent, well-educated person. Why do I doubt myself so much??? 

Right now, I hate myself. Weak, wimpy, guilty me. Ughh!!!!

A New Baby

Don't get excited, we aren't adopting another one, or expecting (yikes) For weeks we have been watching the very pregnant does waddle around our neighborhood, waiting to see the tiny fawns first appear. Yesterday was the day! The first impossibly tiny, still wobbly fawn was spotted. If the number of large-bellied does is anything to go on, we will be seeing many more fawns this spring. I wanted to sneak out and snag this one away from it's Mama and squeeze it to death it was sooooo cute. I resisted, but I don't know how long my willpower will last if more show up. Is there anything so wonderful as babies, of any kind????

Bambi, come back here! Please let me squeeze you????

Thank you everyone for the advice on our first weeks with Ahren. I don't know why I am so nervous. Maybe because it has taken so long, or maybe because I didn't think it would ever happen. Or maybe it's because this is one of biggest things I have ever done (the whole adoption process) and is so very important. He is so important and special. And worth every bit of it!!!!

Dreaming and planning

If/when we get to bring Ahren home, what are we going to do? 

Sleeping:

Obviously the crib we originally set up for him is not going to work (almost comical to picture trying to put him in it!) This photo, above, was taken in the crib the hotel provided for us last July.  This kid is a moose-boy. He is even bigger now. Luckily, we planned ahead and there are two twin beds in Levi's room (always intended to be the boys room) Levi sleeps better in bed with someone, I wonder if Ahren is used to sleeping with someone? When we visit, he sleeps in bed between us and does very well. Maybe we should put a full sized mattress on the floor and have them sleep together at first? 

Language: 

Between all of us we speak about 10 spanish words, not including those used to order at a restaurant. We had thought we would be bringing home babies, not a little man. I need to find some info on basic spanish kid-speak. We have a large hispanic community here and we have many friends who speak spanish. We also have one dear friend here that is from Guatemala who has offered to help. Knowing Ahren's easy-going personality, I don't think we will have major problems in this area, but I still want to be prepared.

Eating: 

This child eats everything. Plus, I have been sending care packages with American kid-snacks every month so that he is used to what he will get here. We will keep things simple at first and stick to what is the most familiar. Then we will follow his lead and branch out as he is ready. Last summer I would order him a full-sized breakfast with eggs, black beans, fruit and tortillas and he would eat the whole thing! Again, in this area, I don't expect a problem, but will be prepared. 

Potty training: 

He has started potty training, and depending on how far along he is we will either continue or put it on hold. There is going to be enough going on in his little life that we don't need to put this added stress on him. 

People:

We will minimize how many people he is around at first. Let him get his feet under him and let him show us how he does. There will be plenty of time later on to introduce him to all our friends and family. In this area we will not budge. He needs to attach to us and feel secure before he can branch out. He is a very social child, loves to go go go, so once he is settled I am sure we will be out and about a lot. Until then, we will stick to our home base like glue. 

Hair:

I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE his curls, but his hair is now down past his shoulders. If you stretch out the curls, his hair reaches down past the middle of his back. He will be getting a trim, and those curls we cut off will be saved in his baby book. If his hair is shorter, more like last summer, it will still be very curly but not so hot or in his way. I have no fear he looks like a girl, although he is very beautiful, he is just too big and masculine.  I will be getting lots of long-hair pix before we trim it. This isn't something that will happen Day 1, but when he seems comfortable. I may even try and trim it myself, if he will sit still for it. A professional can even it out later.

Doctor appointments: 

We will need to schedule these right away. We can't risk any little critters tagging along and infecting the whole family. Our pediatrician has experience with internationally adopted children and we have talked about it several times. Initial exams will be focused on immediate needs (not shots, or development issues) Infections, parasites, anemia, etc. We can wait a while to look at other issues, as needed. We will also take a peek at his teeth and he can see our dentist (what a wonderful dentist we have!!!) if it looks like there is something that needs immediate attention. 

I think this covers the basics. If I have missed anything major, please let me know. Although I have 3 kids already, they all came to me as squishy pink bundles after growing inside of me for 9 months. I am heading into all new territory this time!