Sunday, July 13, 2008

I should have told her to shut up

In our adoption journey (as in traumatic 3 years) I have rarely run into anyone who was not supportive, kind, curious and pleasant when the subject came up. Until yesterday. We were invited to attend a birthday party for a little boy who our family is close to. The party was awesome. They had a bounce house, a pony cart giving rides and a train that drove around the neighborhood giving rides. This was the kind of kid's birthday party that dreams are made of!

We knew most of the people there. In fact, everyone but one couple and their little girl. I had never met this couple before. My friend Kim and I were standing in the kitchen when she asked me about how Ahren's final paperwork was coming. As I told her, this other woman chimed in asking where we were adopting from. I told her Guatemala and she proceeded to tell me that Guatemalan adoptions had all been stopped because people were stealing babies and forcing poor women to sell their babies. I started to explain that although there have been some problems, it is actually the Hague that has caused adoptions to be suspended for now. (I said this after I picked my jaw up off the ground) She went on informing me of the terrible problems and then told me they adopted thru a local agency and it only took 6 weeks from the time they were approved until they had their newborn in their arms. My poor friend was trying to get a word in edgewise at this point, and I just said 'well our adoption has been the opposite end of the spectrum and we have been in process for 3 years'. I then walked out of the door and away from the house before I burst into tears. 

What I had wished I said was , 'Jane you ignorant slut' a la Saturday Night Live, and then set her straight. I wish I had told her that although she had no doubt read the articles in the news, that there is so much more to the situation in Guatemala. I should have told her that for every 3000 kids that get adopted, 30,000 die from poverty and disease every year. I should have told her that although we have had a long hard adventure, we would not trade it for anything because God led us to these children. I wish I had said that ore than setting out to just add a child to our family, we felt drawn to the children of Guatemala and to making a difference in not only 2 lives, but in many many lives. 

Aw heck, I should have just slapped her.....

Added later.

OK, maybe I over-reacted. My nerves are raw, but whose wouldn't be. We have been fighting for so long, have hurt in ways others who haven't been there can't imagine, and she says it took less than 6 WEEKS to get her baby! It's not her fault. The pain is mine. The raw emotions are mine. The path we chose is our own. Still, we wouldn't change anything. Yeah, I wish it had been easy. I wish I could be obliviously happy and a sufferable know-it-all, but our journey was different. We have learned and grown in ways I never thought possible. Who knew that adversity really was a good thing? 

Obviously, I need to work on my reactions to others. Sigh. Sigh. Siiiiighhhhhhhh.

Then again....oh how much I need to therapeutically slap someone and she did seem to volunteer!!!


Ellie said...

No, you shouldn't have slapped her...


I am so DAM SICK of the comments people say... I am doing alot of writing, and search for some ADOPTION EDIQUETTE, that I am going to hand out to people... Even family... Some of the things they say make me SICK~

Hang in there... Cause, in the end... WHAT does it matter... ARHEN IS COMING HOME, and you know in you heart that this is not one of those FEW children that she is referring to...


Kristi said...

Oh my gosh! Oh Wendy....I don't know how you kept yourself in check. I truly don't! This scenario makes my stomach hurt...I mean deeply!! (((HUGS)))

Much love-

Farrah and Jed said...

Yeah I agree with Ellie....Punched her in her damn face would have been the best bet!

But it's not worth it...You did good and in the end that is all that matters is that Ahren is coming home...

And we can't wait

Mommy said...

GIRL, you did good!! The way my emotions and temper have been lately, I am thinking I would have taken the wrong road, nope I know I would have.

Proud of ya but I understand how you are feeling. I am just sick of hearing people say "don't you think that God is just closing the door?"


Anonymous said...

It's truly amazing how insensitive some people can be. Even if she did have an uninformed opinion of Guatemalan adoptions why in the world would she share them with you knowing your situation???!!! Good for you for showing restraint.

Julie said...

Good for you for showing restraint, but I'm with Ellie. Sucker punch her and then start chucking ice cubes at her head... Ahren is coming HOME and PBJ won't be far behind!!

Lilith said...

I'm shocked that she would think to be that flippant with you considering she has just met you!

I mean I have tons of questions I would love to ask every single person who's blog I read about their adoptions, but I don't cause I don't know them.

And her saying her adoption only took 6 weeks was just asking for an ass whooping! Did she really need to push that in your face?

dana said...

Man, I wish I could have been there. Nobody gets to make my sister cry but me!!! I hope that you just "pushed her with your foot a bit" to set her straight. I sure would have! Of course, she will only see things her way no matter what you would be inclined to say. As Mark says, stupidity should be painful!
Love you so much!!

Nora Glenys said...

Our adoption took longer than it should have but nothing compared to yours. I can't even imagine what your going through. On several occasions people have told me that my daughter may have been stolen. I always say that we had DNA tests done for her and the birth mother to insure that Nora wasn't stolen. That usually shuts them up quickly. We were so careful about choosing an agency and attorney because we wanted to be sure that the child we adopted was freely given for adoption. The media has done a very good job informing people about the stolen babies. I wish they would put as much effort into finding suitable homes for children who need families. OH, one more thing. I always want to strangle the people that think I would steal a baby.

Your in my prayers,


I went through something like this just over a month ago when I ran into someone I knew "when" (a time nearly 10 years ago when my son was seriously ill) She asked me some incredibly stupid, tactless and hurtful things about him.

I didn't smack the woman, tell her to shut up (or EFF OFF) but maintained my composure until I got home. (I was in a store)

At home I was upset, I was furious, I was so mad at myself for not saying what I was thinking!

But after talking to a few GOOD friends, calming down and posting it on my blog (LOL) I was happier that I hadn't wasted any time or any energy on this woman.

Because she just wouldn't get it no matter what I said, and in the great scheme of life she isn't even a blip on my radar.

Just as the foolish woman at the party wouldn't have got it if you smacked her, wrote it down or had it bronzed.

Stay upbeat! Your babies will be home soon!


PS I love what your sister said in her comment, "Stupidity should be painful!"
I may adopt that as my new mantra!

JuJu - said...

Ignorance is everywhere -
You are so strong - you have been so brave and so strong - and I know that hurt - to the core-
people don't get it - they just don't get it!

Love and hugs to you my friend!

Priscilla said...

I think you did great! It's so hard to argue with stupidity. And that was one stupid woman, on many levels.

Eagerly awaiting Ahren's homecoming!!

Anonymous said...

Have been reading your blog for a long time praying for you,too.
we are waiting for our little girl
I want to punch her myself.I am proud of you,Ava'gramma

Andrea said...

OH we get that ALL the time. Especially since it's pretty obvious that our son is not our biological child. Once a person hears where he is from, we get the same sort of reaction. Because the media would NEVER make up stories about baby stealing and forced births for RATINGS, now would they!!? Ugh.

You did great. I always think of something witty and snarky to say after I get home. Walking away was the best thing you could do at this point. All that matters is Ahren is coming home, and PBJ will be right behind him. And that woman will still be stupid and hurtful. But you'll have your babies HOME.

Laura said...

The best line I heard on one of my groups is "Are you trying to be
offensive or just ignorant?" I am dying to use it one day, but thankfully have not had to do so thus far!!

You were right to be upset. Some people just don't know when to keep their big mouths shut!!!!!!


Amy said...

Sorry you have to deal with such stupid people!!! Seriously, I've been there and it just absolutely sucks.

Anonymous said...

yea, that's just aweful!!

I hate that. When we were going thru our multi-year adoption process (which is now in the fourth year), someone told me, "huh, our adoption process with Russia was four months. It was agony."

I can't repeat what I was thinking.

hugs, Esther