Tuesday, June 03, 2008

Why do I feel like a failure?

No matter what I do, no matter how hard I try and no matter how accomplished my kids are, I feel like a failure. Mothering is the most important thing I have ever done, and the one thing I feel like I am the worst at. Why? Why do I feel like this? Is it normal mother-guilt? Is it some inherant flaw in my psyche? Am I just a failure??? Why???

 I know that being a mother (not a father) is filled with guilt. I realized that very soon after my first child was born. The overwhelming guilt became my close companion. I felt guilty about everything and people all around me fed that guilt. Was my baby eating enough? Were her diapers wet/dirty enough, did she sleep, poop, cry, smile, etc etc etc when she should. Everything about her had a comparison. Luckily, she was a superstar baby, exceeding all 'normal' curves. I was so confident. Then baby #2 came and all my confidence was blown away. 
By the time Levi was born, I was older, calmer, more experienced, and yet, the guilt was still with me. Why??? I don't know.

And now, with the new kids coming, I have no confidence. I am a mess. Again, WHY???? I am an intelligent,  compitent, well-educated person. Why do I doubt myself so much??? 

Right now, I hate myself. Weak, wimpy, guilty me. Ughh!!!!

11 comments:

Elle said...

At this moment I want you to stop what you are doing and look at Katie & Levi. Look at your beautiful daughter who is on her way to something big and your son who is just about the cutest thing I've ever seen. Then I want you to get on the phone and call Ashley. Tell her you love her and know how incredible she is.

Then you come back here and tell me what a failure your are as a parent.

Krystal said...

Wendy - I am so sorry that you are having a time of doubt. You are most definitely NOT a failure - the evidence is quite clear!!!! You have 3 unbelieveable children that speak volumes about the success you are as a mother. And the babies, oh dear, the babies -- you have loved them so much already. You are going to do great with helping them to transition and settle into their forever family. So kick that guilt to the curb!!!!!

Anonymous said...

Wendy~

You are an amazing person and an even more amazing mother. You have raised three beautiful children and have two more on the way and I know that you are going to do a wonderful job!!! You are just going through a lot of emotions with Ahren coming home soon. Everything is going to be wonderful and you are going to be a great mother to him!!! I wish you nothing but the best with your new addition to your family and once you finally have that little boy in your arms, you too are going to know what we all already know, that you an amazing person!!!!

~Michelle Whittemore

Reba said...

Wendy, I don't post a comment often, though I read daily. I am eagerly awaiting ALL of your kids to be home! (I have two bio. and two from Guatemala) I can so identify with your post. In fact, probably about a third of the posts on my blog are about my failure as a parent (or feeling like it). When we brought our daughter home from Guatemala, I felt like I was starting parenting all over again. I cringe and regret so many things. Each day I get to the end of the day and wonder if I did any of it right. And I am on child four now. How does that happen? Like others said, look at your children. They are happy, well-adjusted, and from all I read, living a very content life. You are doing something right!
Reba

Mommy said...

My sweet friend,
You are a wonderful mother who loves and gives her all for her children. I see that in all of your children but I realized it long ago when I read and watched you fight for not only Aaron when all seemed hopeless but more than anything when I watched and read about what you did and continue to do for Perri Brynn in the face of tragedy and pain. Anyone could have walked away from her at that point but you, her mother, fought and nursed her back. You did what ever needed to be done to keep her safe and help her to continue to grow.

That voice telling you that you are a failure is not a voice to listen to.

I have fought the same battle and the only way I survive it is to take those thoughts captive as they enter my mind and replace them with something positive that I know to be true.

For me they are words from my loving Heavenly Father telling me that I am created in HIS image, and that I am the apple of HIS eye.
I am fearfully and wonderfully made, and that HE loves me so much HE died for me.

I am only human and have never thought of myself anywhere near perfect but over the years I have learned how to fight the negative thoughts that Satan wanted me to believe so that he could defeat me and through that have access to my children. I REFUSED to pass that on to the most important things in my life. So I realized that I had to start retraining my brain to believe the things that I was teaching my children to believe about themselves. They were watching, and if I didn't believe it about myself how could I expect them to believe it about themselves.

YOU ARE A WONDERFUL MOTHER AND PERSON!!! Believe it and hold on to it.

Please google and listen to this song.....VOICE OF TRUTH, Casting Crowns. I listen and hold on to it daily.

Much love my friend,
Tammy

Andrea said...

I don't think I could say anything any better than the wonderful women that commented before me. I just wanted you to know I think you're an excellent mother, and a bit of rock star in my book. And I'd be willing to bet your kids think you're a rock star, too.

Hang in there!

dana said...

Don't hate yourself, let me do that!! I only hate you because you have always been smarter, thinner, and had everything more together than me. OK, now I hate myself...
You are just tired of the rat race today, but I like what elle said... Don't listen to the guilt for I see what you have done and how well you have done it!! If that does not work come and have margarita with me!
Love you!!

dana said...

P.S. The "Voice of Truth" by Casting Crowns is also one of my favorite songs when I let Satan tell me how I am failing... Let God lift you back up in His arms and His love!!
Love you!!

Ellie said...

Per my email...

HEHEHE... I won't post it here~

BUt, I SOOOO AGREE WITH ELLE!

I will be waiting for the 2nd post!

HUGS
Ellie

Cherrie said...

You are not alone. I think any Mom feels like that sometimes. I know I do, sometimes on a pretty regular basis.

I think you ROCK!!

Cherrie

Anonymous said...

Wendy,
A failure would have given up a long time ago....you are most definitely not a failure. You are an awesome mom to your 3 kiddos with you and to those two who you are constantly advocating for in Guat. Hang in there girl, the emotions are high right now.
Hugs,
Amy