Saturday, July 26, 2014

Rebound, Fallout, Twerking RAD

  Like that title? That is my brain after spending 9 days slaving away pouring cement, etc in Costa Rica, only to return and immediately begin suffering from the intestinal equivalent of a tsunami. I no longer wish I would die and I have actually ventured out in public a little bit, so I must be getting better. I am not sure, though, since the fog in my brain is thick enough to block out all rational thought.

  Those of you with RADlets know the drill. Something changes, anxiety hits the roof and our special ones devolve into a grab bag of less-than-pleasing behaviors. In the past the change could be very minor and still elicit things such as shredding all food, nightmares, destruction of belongings, nasty temper tantrums and potty issues. (Remember the many weeks of poo? I do!) Over time it took larger and larger changes to set Jon off, and the fallout behaviors have become less and less destructive.

  So these past few weeks have been ALL change. First school let out, then my job changed, then off for a week of vacation, and a week after we returned Mommy took off for 9 days. Then Mommy gets laid out with a horrible case of the traveling ICK. Changes of global proportions. Anxiety inducing changes of epic proportions.

  How has Jon been? A little clingy, a little more mean to his brothers, and he tends to get into a cycle of anxiety where he has to make constant non-stop noise, whether he is talking, making sound effects or singing. That's it. Unless he is saving up something really big to hit me with down the road, I have gotten off very lightly. Extra hugs, re-direct the meaner behavior and remind him he is making noise, then engage him in a real conversation. Abso-freakin-lutely amazing!!!! He is going to make it! I see a "normal" kid. An active, smart NORMAL acting kid.

Halleluia…Halleleugia….Hallelughi.. aw heck. I can't spell it. Praise the LORD!

Now if I can just get him to pick up his dirty clothes….that would be a miracle. LOL!

Oh, by the way, I must have been gone a lot longer than I realized, because this is what I found when I returned.

Thursday, July 24, 2014

Our trip, continued

The first few days of our trip were fine. We got along and worked together, but emotionally we still danced around each other. Both of us were a bit snappy and quick to see offense. Then one night we both blew. (I would love to say I was perfectly calm, but I cannot lie. My feelings were hurt and I was exhausted physically and emotionally) We finally went to bed but I slept little that night.

I spent the night praying and asking God to show me how to let this child of mine feel how much I loved her, how much she could trust me, how safe she is with me. About 4 am it came to me. Peace. At that point I knew what I needed to do. (I fixed this pic. I didn't realize I had made it too big and accidentally cut out Ashley. Don't read too much into that. It wasn't a subliminal Freudian moment…)

I had to let Ashley know that I was making every attempt to see things from her perspective. That it was okay the way she felt (even when I knew she didn't have all the facts). Her feelings were not wrong, they were legitimate. Instead of trying to show her why she was wrong because she didn't know everything, I just needed to validate her feelings. So I did. And we had the most wonderful discussion ever. She made the effort to see my perspective, too!

She is an awesome person. So intelligent, so loving, so empathetic. She is a very hard worker, too. I still think she is a very old soul in a young body. She just has an air about her that is other-wordly.

I know she loves me and she told me she thinks I am a great mother. We are just two very different personalities who went through a lot of pain in her first years. Hers was physical and mine was emotional. Do you know how hard it is to sit next to your tiny baby's hospital crib and hear the alarms go off and then stand out of the way why the staff works to get her breathing again? Do you know what it is like to hold her when they stick her tiny body over and over trying to get an IV line going, only to have the one they finally place in her scalp blow and create a huge goose egg? To hand off your little baby to strangers as they take her to the OR, all the time praying she is not scared and alone? She has every reason to blame me. I was the one constant when she was in pain. As hard as I tried I could not make the pain go away or comfort her enough.

She is an amazing person. I am blessed to be the one she calls Mom. I am equally blessed to be the one she blames. I want to be her soft place to fall, her rock, her anchor. No matter what, if she has pain in her life, I will be there, and she can blame it all on me. I will gladly do that for her!

Monday, July 21, 2014

Costa Rica

  I am back from Costa Rica. I have to say that my husband is the absolute Best of the best. The house is clean, the laundry is done and he even shampooed carpets. He even cooked a couple of nights. I missed him and the boys and my bed so much. I am extremely blessed with my life and family.  Somewhere along the way I must have done something right to deserve this awesome life I have.
  This trip has changed me. I knew I would experience a lot during this trip. The physical labor required was extreme. I am 50 years old, overweight and do not work out. Only God could have stepped in and given me the strength I needed to achieve the things I did this week. Amazingly I was not sore. Not one single day. I did not run out of energy until we left the work site and were on our two day rest and reflection portion of the trip.
  More important than the physical work I did was the emotional work I did. Ashley and I have a fragile, strained relationship at best. We are polar opposites. I do not understand her and she does not get me. Since before she was born I have loved her with every fiber of my being, but she has been an enigma from day one. She appeared to be a very old soul in a tiny body. She seemed so much wiser and all-seeing than me even as a toddler. She used to talk about her previous life, tell me about the clothing, the language and the people. The story was always the same. I swear she was re-incarnated and remembered it. She scared me. A lot.
  She hates being touched. I don't know if that is because she spent the first two years of her life being sick, getting poked, prodded and tortured by needles, or if she was born with sensitivities. Every time she was ill as a child I was the one to hold her as they stuck her, shoved catheters into her, etc etc. does she associate me with pain  somewhere deep down in her unconscious self? If I had it to do over again I would still be holding her. How could I walk away and leave her alone to face those situations? She was just a baby!
  I had high hopes for this trip. I wanted to connect in a deep and meaningful way with her. She is an amazing young woman. Absolutely amazing. Brilliant, motivated, she has a vision and a purpose in life. I want to be part of that. Her support system, her soft place to land. Heck, I would settle for just being her friend!!!
  My hopes and dreams for this time with her hit some serious snags.

To be continued......

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

What hurts more...

  Ashley and I are in Costa Rica on a nine day mission trip with our church. I am so glad she was able to come with me. I have such high hopes that this will bet one of those special bonding experiences that will forever form a thread between us. I can see us laughing together in years to come at the memories we, and we alone share.
  We arrived on Saturday and then had Sunday to worship and relax with some sightseeing before beginning the hard physical work on Monday. Visit the blog for the church by clicking on this link

  I was prepared for the hard physical labor, but the spiritual and emotional work I am doing have caught me off guard. Ashley is prickly, to put it mildly. She always has been. She doesn't like to be touched or hugged at all. She has a hard time showing any affection for anyone except her dog. Even her friends think this. She is hard to get close to, even as her mother. I am struggling with connecting with her on this trip. Don't get me wrong, I love her and she knows it, and she loves me. I just want a deeper, more meaningful adult level relationship with her. I want to be able to listen to her talk about her life and dreams and encourage her. I want to share in her thoughts and feelings, to be a safe place for her to vent and no I will never judge her.

  I will keep trying, but not too hard since that sends her into super prickly mode. I need to be open and accepting and non-critical. I need to let her take the lead in the relationship for a while.

  So be sides the sore muscles, bruises, cuts and scrapes, my heart is banged up a bit. Time to take more pain meds and put my big girl panties on. More hard work awaits me.


Sunday, July 13, 2014

Costa Rica

  The trip yesterday was flawless. All people and bags arrived safely at our destination. The scenery is absolutely breathtaking. Pictures do not do it justice. Our little motel  is situated at the base of a small volcanic mountain. The tropical trees are waving in the wind above us topped by bright blue skies full of small puffy white clouds.
  The trees around the motel are full of Howler monkeys. They are named this because of the strange howling sounds they make. Sounds that seem to come from a thousand tortured souls deep in the dungeons of a castle. And it goes on ALL NIGHT LONG! Luckily they were not too close last night and we could mostly ignore them. Not so much for the constant ding-ding of Ashleys phone as numerous random stupidities were arriving for her to see. Tonight her phone is on silent mode.
  Today we eat and then head to church. The service is all in spanish and about 2 hours long. They told us to be prepared to dance and sweat our buns off. This ought to be interesting. Then we change, grab lunch and head out for an afternoon of sightseeing and shopping.

Go check out for more info and pictures.

Love to all!!

Wednesday, July 09, 2014

Costa Rica!!!

  Ashley and I are heading out Saturday morning for a 9 day mission trip to Costa Rica. There are 13 members of our church participating. We will be providing physical labor for building the second story on a church in Nicoya then retreating for a bit of rest and reflection in Tamarindo. Please follow along with us at our special mission trip blog

Here is part of the Mission Trip Team after spending the day with our families painting rooms at the Dream House in Conroe. This was our test run of how well we can work together and it was awesome.

Come join us in Costa Rica next week and see the hands of God at work!

Friday, July 04, 2014

More vacation photos

These are the last of the photos I have from our vacation. usually I take a LOT more photos but this time I was just too busy having a blast. I am still exhausted and have picked up a sinus infection. Ashley and I leave in one week for a mission trip to Costa Rica and I need to recover before then. Luckily our doctor's office is open on the weekends. I will be seeing them tomorrow. 

Road trips are not the same as when I was a kid. These guys have iPads, movies, gaming devices, books, snacks and music. The 4 hour trip was actually enjoyable. Very relaxing. 

The Dad always drives. This way we don't get pulled over for speeding. Me, well I have a heavy foot and no patience. Plus I like to knit, read and chatter incessantly at my quiet hubby. Poor man….
 The living area of our cabin. We did not use the fireplace but it was a nice touch. The large cabinet held all of our food, a refrigerator and microwave. 
 The master bedroom. Super comfy bed and the western decor was so fun!
 The boys' bedroom. Within 3 minutes of arrival they discovered that the metal bed frames made hilarious sounds when they bounced on the beds. Luckily they were so exhausted at the end of each day there was no bouncing and no resistance about bedtime.
 I forgot to mention they had putt-putt golf, a petting zoo and two playgrounds. This is seriously the best kid-centered resort to vacation at I have ever seen. Nothing was ever crowded, not even the water park.
 This is me in the car on the way there. I looked a lot tanner and tired by the return trip. I want to go back many more times!!!!!