Saturday, March 29, 2008

The tears are flowing....

Even though I am full in the throes of self pity, life still demands so much of me. This morning I had to get up early, take the puppy to the vet, buy plants at the nursery, work in the yard, buy groceries, get my hair cut, water plants, etc etc etc. Life doesn't stop for a pity party. So I made the best of it. As I did what I had to do, I thought about things. Contemplated the why's. Realized that the world wouldn't stop for me no matter how much I stomped my feet and complained. For an instant I began to feel better. And then. In an instant. My rug was pulled out from under me. 

I have a song. A song that is so special to me and to the journey to Ahren. Every time I hear it I see his face. I feel his sturdy little body snuggled next to mine. I hear his deep hearty little laugh. The song is 'God Bless the Broken Road'. As I pulled out of the grocery store lot, that song came on and I cried like a baby the whole way home. Huge, hot tears that burned my throat and stung my eyes. I am still crying. I can't seem to stop. It is so totally unfair. I have always believed. been faithful. Done the right thing. For heavens's sake I was the PERFECT KID who all the teachers loved!!!!! I did everything right! So why am I left to suffer? Why? Why? Why??? 

Is it time to quit? I can't quit. Ahren and PBJ don't have that choice. Ahren is adorable and adoptable, but PBJ is damaged goods now. Cute but not 'normal' anymore. What would happen to her? I couldn't live with myself if I ever gave up. We have decided that if the kids are never ever coming home, we will still support them and their lives 100%. If that is in Guatemala, in a foster family, well then so be it. We will still make a mark on the world. We will still make a difference in their lives. I hate to settle for that. It's not what I want. But it is better than the alternatives.......

6 comments:

dana said...

Even perfect kids have to live in this imperfect world. You chose to reach out of your comfortable life toward those that need you desperately. They are victims of this corrupt, sinful world. Your choice is painful, but it takes someone like you to endure the pain to do God's work. You are the light that God is using to shine. You are His arms, his voice for others. You can do this, You were chosen to do this.

JuJu - said...

You are stronger than you can even see yourself. You have more faith than you realize. You have amazed us all. You have inspired others to keep fighting and not give up. You are not just impacting two kids in Guatemala - you are changing the hearts and minds of all of us all around you -

You are a good and loving Mom and your kids ARE going to come home!

You stand firm in the love you have for those kids - you stand firm in the knowledge that good will conquer evil. You stand firm knowing that you have women all across this country tonight beside and behind you, cheering you on! Women that have faith for you the days you feel week. People joined with you in prayer for your babies every single day. Sending you a big hug tonight!

Julia

Anonymous said...

Hi,
I have been following your blog for a long time and thought of two these quotes that may help ease your pain.
1. "EXPECTING LIFE TO BE FAIR TO YOU BECAUSE YOU ARE A GOOD PERSON,IS A LITTLE LIKE EXPECTING THE BULL NOT TOO CHARGE YOU BECAUSE YOU ARE A VEGETARIAN"
and
2."IN LIFE YOU CANT CONTROL THE HAND YOU ARE DEALT, ONLY THE WAY YOU PLAY THE GAME."
Kind Regards
Jo from South Australia

Priscilla said...

I'm aching for you. Be sad - cry - rant - scream - and then pick yourself up and keep on. You can do it.

Susan said...

It isn't fair, that's the truth.

Thank heaven those children have you.

Natalie C. said...

Cry all you want. I did. I wish I had it in me to fight Guatemala for Mia, but all they keep telling me is she's fine. I have never been able to get out of them where she is. I admire your strength. Your children are just as blessed to have you as you are to have them.