Friday, March 28, 2008

It's my pity party

and I'll cry if I want to! I have decided to allow myself a nice weekend of wailing, teeth gnashing, whining and asking Why? I try so hard to keep my spirits positive, look on the bright side and rely on God to have a plan and reveal it when the time is right. But hey, I am only human and a human can only take so much. It has been 2.5 years now we have been on this journey. Our son is no longer a baby and is quickly passing toddler as well. The longer it takes the harder it is going to be on him. I can't get any info on his case. Nothing. Good or bad. Just an information vacuum. I get lots of info on PBJ but none of it really makes any sense. At times it sounds really good but then nothing of substance happens. 

Add to that the issues with the new laws that Guatemala is trying to implement to regulate adoption better. So far their attempts have gone something like: 1) Decide that a new entity called the Central Authority must oversee all adoptions 2) Do not appoint anyone to actually WORK in the CA 3) Finally appoint 3 people, who then promptly get fired 4) Hire more people but do not give them any offices to work from 5) Decide the CA has to register all cases but no ideas how to do that 6) begin registering cases but change the process daily/hourly and make everyone keep re-doing it as things change, 7) Try and remove all of the head people at the PGN 8) chaos, chaos, chaos

I am a person who likes to have a plan. I keep lists, I check things off, I like things to progress in a linear fashion. I like things to be fair and correct and right. I can accept some deviations and some unknowns, but a process that is ALL unknowns and un-controllable is an assault to my very senses. To accept the fact that there is NOTHING I can do to affect the outcome is so very, very wrong. I want to be able to DO SOMETHING, ANYTHING!! But the reality is I can do nothing. Not one darn thing. And it hurts me to my very soul. 

I have a deep seated sense of religion. I believe. I live my life every day by those beliefs. But...I am having a very hard time with Faith. Trust. Leaving it up to the unknown force of God. I am weak in this area. My faith has taken a severe beating.  My God would not leave children to die horrible deaths when they are loved by other families. My God would not let children suffer. My God would not have let PBJ be so hurt and yet lay there for a day or more in pain, until she was seizing and almost dead. That is not MY God! So why? Why, why, why? The children are innocent. They are not the bad guys. They cannot learn from this. So why do they have to suffer. It makes me so angry!!!!

So this weekend I plan on exorscising these demons. I will HATE and Question and despise and be utterly Ugly about it all. I may even KICK a few things!!! (Inanimate of course) I will say nasty and terrible things. I will be the epitome of Nasty!!! And by the end of the weekend I will be clean and pure and full of strength again. Ready to fight the fight, the fight of the right. Because my children need me to be that strength, for their very lives! And LOVE is stronger than all of the negative feelings. AMEN!!!!!!

7 comments:

Anonymous said...

Wendy - This has such a long and widing road for you....a painful road. You have demonstrated your strength in fighting for those two children, but like you said, a human can only take so much. Your cases seem almos unreal, specially Ahren's. What are they doing? Why don't they just tell you that his case is going nowhere and better for you to forget about him. This may sound harsh, but truthfully, after so much time, something is really wrong with that case. The thing is if you're paying for foster care, nobody down there is worried to take another step....his care is being covered, no hurry to speed the process. It's very wrong that they only cover a certain # of months for foster care, and then force people into paying for an undefinite time, why...because that's money that they get to keep in their own pockets.

I think you should take this weekend to not only allow yourself to be mad and cry, and ask "why" all you want, but also, to do a soul searching and get to the bottom of your true feelings about adoption. I've always thought that those inner feelings are so different for those who have had the blessing to bear children and for those who haven't. I think your inner search may give you some answers.

It will be a lonely place for you this weekend, I've been there....may I suggest the company of a nice glass or two of Merlot?

Pat

dana said...

The epitome of nasty, eh? I can imagine that... I am really glad that I am not close enough to kick... Just know that I am inviting myself to your pitty party, for I love you and understand your anger and am in this with you!!

Anonymous said...

Wendy~

I only know you from your blog and yet I look up to you. Your strength through this adoption is unbelieveable. I truly admire you for doing what you are doing and for having the patience that you have. You deserve this weekend to have your "pity party", I would have thrown this party a long time ago for myself. I pray that these two precious babies find their way home to you soon and you can enjoy these two wonderful beautiful babies and they can finally be with their Mom!!!! I will contintue to pray for you and them. And as Pat says, enjoy a glass or wine or two or the whole bottle!!! You deserve it and so much more!!!

~Michelle W
Green Bay, WI

Ellie said...

OK Wendy...

I will join you in your Fighting, Kicking, Punching, Questions to the Universe Party... WHY... Because Girlfriend, you are the strength and wisdom I look at when I think my world is starting to crash... You have shown me NOT TO GIVE UP... So, yes... I have weeds to Pull... Pull them out, get to the root, the root is the evil, and the clean weed free ground will be pure again, and your strength will be back to carry you on... Oh, and yes TONS of Merlot will work too... So when those tears start flowing... Let them flow... GET IT OUT... IN THE END YOU WILL BE EVEN STRONGER

Most important... Be careful, cause at the end of the weekend, you will still have those Beautiful faces to look at and to hold, and we don't need you with any broke feet or arms...

HUGS
ELLIE

Anonymous said...

I'm with you once again. I have strongly challenged my faith and wallow in disappointment. I have also lost faith in the human race. Not only have THESE evil bastards hurt our children, other families standing next to you hurt you. Why have people turned so dark? Have they lost faith too or maybe never had it? People continually give unsolicited advice, "Gods time, there is something you need to do or change" type message. It always comes from someone that knows I've lost faith. Well, maybe this is life, no ones life is perfect, life can suck and there are evil bastards in every town and city in this world. It's life. So somehow when I think of it that way, it brings my faith back. There is nothing personal about it (from Him), it is life.

Susan said...

I've been there. Every once in awhile you just need to wallow in it, to rage against the machine, to scream and cry. Then you'll find the strength to move forward.

Know that even those of us who are only blog friends are here to hold you until you can pick yourself up.

terri said...

Wendy, I know how you feel and I know how our faith can be tested at times. God does have a plan for us and our kids in Guatemala. What that is??? I have no idea!

I believe God chose Ahren and PBJ for you because he knows your a strong person that would wait for them for as long as it takes. He knew their adoptions would be difficult and you were the Mom for them!

Hang in there (I hate when people tell me that) and one day you WILL have those beautiful kids home where they belong!