As a follow-up to yesterdays post, I want to talk about blame. As I have mentioned before, it seems some people feel that we are to blame for our horrific adoption experience. We should have been more careful. We should have made better choices. Etc, etc. I admit that I hold some of the blame. I did the research, I chose the agency, I got us into this mess. But am I really to blame?
How much of the blame does the agency deserve? Honestly, they can't control what goes on in a foreign country with a foreign government. I understand that and I never expected them to be able to. I went in with my eyes wide open. No naive misconceptions that it would be perfect. I knew things could go wrong and that there were risks. I just didn't realize that some of the risks were being dealt to me by my own agency, or at least by their ommission of certain details.
How much of the blame does the facilitator in Guatemala deserve? He offered up a child that was not legally available. He is less than forthcoming with information. He is downright difficult and his attornies work at a snails pace. They have misplaced our file, accidentally submitted it to family court without a birth certificate, and dragged their feet at every step in the process. Are they ultimately to blame?
And how about the system in Guatemala? Is it to blame? A system where there are essentially no government controls over the process and where there seem to be no rules or regulations? Where there seems to be little regard to the welfare of the children and yet they have no system in place to take care of unwanted kids if adoptions stop?
How about people who used a bad agency in the past and yet never spoke up about their ordeals? Did no one have a bad time with our agency before we came along? I sure found no evidence of it at the time I was researching agencies. Not a peep. Did this agency have some sort of mid-life crisis and go from decent to indicted in 2 years time? (By the way, every case I cited yesterday is from my agency in the past 2 years and I have spoken with each and every one of those families)
Should I blame the birth mother who messed up the birth certificate that then took 18 months to correct?
Or maybe the blame lies on God for allowing bad things to happen in this world?
You know what, blame is an ugly thing. It doesn't solve anything. It doesn't fix anything. It just festers and rots away at my soul. I have spent too much time blaming myself already. I wish I had a dime for every time I have kicked myself. What is worthwhile is spreading the word that it's time to clean up the system, not only in Guatemala but everywhere. Right the wrongs and make adoption about the children, about matching children and families, about creating healthy, happy families. It's not going to be easy, and it won't be quick, but it is important. In fact, it is one of the most important things I have ever been involved with. Come on everybody, we have to do this for the kids. Yeeeehah!
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3 comments:
I agree blame doesn't help anyone or anything. We all make mistakes and we learn from them. Great post!!
Very good post. You are so right about the blame thing. We just have to look ahead at what we can do now and I think that is what you are doing.
Gail
Perhaps an addition to your list. How many defrauded PAPs went to state licensure authority and had their complaints buried? Or held up in some administrative chokehold for three or four years? Or let the naughty agency submit a corrective action plan promising to fix the problem so it doesn't reoccur? (what does that do to fix the problem for the PAP who spoke up?) Or some bureaucrat looked the other way because they have to work with the naughty private agency on other cases or that agency sat on some accreditation or advisory board?
I'd add a handful of U.S. attorneys who got distress signals from defrauded PAPs. PAPs with good cases if only some pitbull secretary would have given them some time with an attorney, who duly researched the issue and agreed to represent the PAP for a reasonable fee. Who actually took time to look at the documentation the PAP could provide and show some mercy, forget the firm's profit margin and help a child in need.
Slowly but surely, things are changing so attorneys will help PAPs and children in need of rescue from an unethical agency. The poor regulation of the adoption industry is being exposed, case by case.
It is not about blame. It is about accountability. Reputable agencies act in good faith and if problems arise, reputable agencies address the problem to solve it. Not abandon a client or the children.
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