Sunday, April 29, 2007

My Feelings

Over the past, very difficult week, I have used this blog to record the events andmy feelings. It has been more of a venting process than anything else. Last Saturday, I was in denial at first. Then I was terrified, numb, surreal. As the days passed I got angry. I wanted so badly to be angry at someone, anyone, because anger is easier to deal with than the complete fear/terror and pain I was feeling. I never felt angry at the driver. I am not sure why, but I am more sorry for her and my heart breaks for her. Who would have thought that a small mistake could have such a huge consequence? I surely never could have imagined it. I wasn't mad at the older boy, either. I also feel sorry for him. Right now the two of them are both beating themselves up emotionally over this. More than anything I want them to heal emotionally the way Katie is healing physically.

I did find myself blaming her parents. It's funny, now I lok back and I don't really know why. They are awesome people. I was talking to the mother of the boys today and their father is really angry and I thought, How stupid is that? Umm, Wendy, look in the mirror. That was you just a few days ago. Oh yeah...duh! Chris tried to tell me that anger was the wrong thing to be focused on. Anger is not productive, especially mis-placed anger. I have talked much more to her parents and they do honestly feel terrible about this. I forgot that they were also just as terrified about their daughter. They were suffering just as much as I was. How could I be so stupid??? This experience is going to bring us all closer together. i have already learned so much about my daughter and her strength and spirit. She has awesome faith and is teaching this old dog some new things.

So whatever I said earlier in the week, take it for what it was. Momentary stages of grief. Passing feelings. My frailties as a human showing through. Today I am stronger, and I am no longer angry. I am thankful. Thankful for the lesson my daughter learned, a lesson that I could never teach her, but God saw fit to dispense. Now these kids are going to go forth and share their story, hopefully saving other lives and sharing the word of the Lord. I couldn't have asked for anything better.


Elle said...

I think I would have gone through many of the same stages. I have a feeling it is that mothering instinct. Your child is hurt therefore you need to place blame on someone or something. It is a natural feeling. But lessons do need to be learned even if they are learned in a difficult fashion.

I am glad to hear that your whole family is healing. Take care of yourself as you care for Katie.

jeneflower said...

I think it is great that you were honest about your feelings. So many people pretend they feel differently than they really do.