Stream of Consciousnous

Our Nanny asked me the other day if I really believed we would ever bring Ahren and PBJ home. She wasn't being mean or even offensive. She cares just as much as we do and it has been a long, hard road for all of us. Do I believe we will? Some days I do. Some days I don't. It's not a lack of hope, or faith, or even despair. It's more like it's just that what will be will be, and we cannot force the outcome. Maybe what I am trying to say is that I have come to a place of peace where I accept that it may not happen. I haven't cried a tear in several months. I dream about them, but the ache is gone. I still love them with all my heart, but I haven't been tearing myself up over it. I don't know why this change occurred. There was no moment of revelation, no epiphany, no life-altering moment I can put my finger on. Just peace. We'll see how long it lasts.

I have been working to once again update all of Ahren's dossier. It has become a twice-yearly event in my life. Once for Ahren and once for PBJ, each year. This is the third time for Ahren's. I should have had it done months ago, but I just couldn't bring myself emotionally to do it. It's almost finished now. I remember the first time. Getting all the documents was so exciting, so thrilling and so fun! Once I had the whole stack completed I felt so accomplished, as though I had just given birth to a child in paper. We were ready for our referral, our first glance at our new son. Oh how exciting that time was. I was convinced that adoption was the easy way to add a child. Oh how wrong I was. Nine months of pregnancy, 6 weeks of bedrest, 18 hours of labor, a c-section, all the painful parts of having a bio-kid were a cake-walk compared to the pain of these adoptions. Plus, they offer you DRUGS when you are in pain. So far no one has offered me anything to deal with the pain of these adoptions. Hah! I need a reverse-epidural. Something to block the pain from the waist up!

Ahren. Darn that kid is cute! Those curls and those eyes. Plus he is the sweetest huggy teddy bear ever. Never cries except when the food runs out and you don't shovel it in fast enough. If we ever do bring him home, no matter how old he is, he will be spoiled in a way that makes Paris Hilton look neglected. And sweet, sweet PBJ. I just want to hold her and never let her go. Protect her from every bad thing out there in this world. I want to build her a little princess bubble and keep her safe. I am so happy to see the sparkle back in her eyes. She is quite the little charmer, that one. If we ever bring her home I predict she will have her Daddy and her big brothers dancing to her tune.

Peace of the heart. Full of love and patience right now. I pray this feeling lasts.