I try very hard to be a good person. I am not perfect, and I know this, but each day I strive to do my best and be my best. Sadly, I am failing. Here is a bit of the dialogue I hear in my head:
Good Heart: Oh look, someone just got out of PGN with a 5 month old baby.
Bad Heart: That's not fair. Why them? Why not us for once?
Good heart: They are going to enjoy that tiny baby so much. Awwww.
Bad Heart: I hope that kid has colic and projectile vomiting!
GH: It's good to see that the system really works sometimes.
BH: I hope their baby is BUTT UGLY!
And so it goes. I cannot seem to shut off that bad voice in my head. I am beginning to wonder just how good of a person I really am if I harbor this nasty little personality inside of me? Can I blame it on the stress of adopting? Has it caused me to develop a split personality? Or was this evil little persona always there????
Levi had a great day at school (his words) but again was exhausted. I am wondering if he might be coming down with something. This morning his cheeks were bright red. Hmmm, maybe Fifth's Disease? I'll have to keep an eye on him. He has a doctor's appt Monday.
OK, help me out here. How do you explain to a pig-headed 15 year old that if she keeps running her mouth one of these days she is going to piss off the wrong person and get her butt whooped. Um, don't you remember Big Chunky? Her mouth runs without the gears engaged. She thinks she is hilarious and so do her friends. Barbie with a tude. She is going to end up Barbie with a black eye.
Her mouth doesn't just run to other kids either. She and Haleigh think it is hysterical to say the most outrageous things to Nanny. One day they asked her what sex was like. Nanny is in her sixties and she has lots of experience with kids. The question didn't even phase her. She wouldn't answer them, but they also didn't get the satisfaction of getting her all riled up. They are forever coming up with things like that. It's a good thing they are so darn adorable, but those mouths. Ugh!
12 comments:
Oh lord - Can I relate!!! My daughter is 14 months old and we've been in process since May --- so much lost time. So many unnecessary delays on "their" end. So many things -- so little done to correct it. I ache for her to be home. I totally get it!
The adoption process really brings out that good heart/bad heart battle, doesn't it? We were among the folks who applied to adopt from China when referrals were coming in at 6-7 months tops, but the wait inexplicably lengthened, with no warning, right in the middle of the process. Referrals just trickled in; we ended up waiting twice as long as we expected. And our 14-month wait for referral (2 years for the entire process)was NOTHING compared to what people waiting now are enduring. I found myself consumed with jealousy over other people's kids and really having to battle to keep my patience and kind-heartedness. Mostly I just posted really chipper little things on my blog, but the day we just missed getting a referral and found out we had to wait yet another month just about did me in. I got up the next morning and posted a pitiful little entry telling people NOT to try to cheer me up (http://therachelchronicles.blogspot.com/2006/08/oh-well-whats-another-month.html) In a couple of days I was back to being all sunshine, at least on the blog. But I can't even imagine the pain you are going through with all the uncertainty in the process and no explanation for why someone's adoption sails through while yours and others just sit . . . and sit. I think you're showing incredible strength, and I admire your ability to "keep it real" on your blog. I think that's why I enjoy reading.
I'm rooting for you to bring those adorable children home soon.
Great post!!!!
I have proof that the evil little persona has always been there... I think that you are a much kinder person than say... at age 12... I am just joking! You are handling this stress so remarkably well. I would be a lot meaner at this point if it were me in this situation. You are wonderful and I love even your evil side!!
Girl,
I had that kinda mouth, and I did get my butt kicked!!! My Logan unfortunately has the same problem!!!
I also relate with good heart bad heart....Still experience that a lot of the time.... Not proud of it but true nonetheless...
Good heart/Bad heart - truer words have not been spoken. I'm like that about a lot of things - and thought it was just me being an evil human being. Thanks for posting!
I think that most of us have a bit of that good heart/bad heart going on, whether we are willing to admit it or not is something else.
I've been following your blog for some time now and it is clear to me that you have a very good heart. It is so obvious when reading your day to day accounts of life with your family that there is a tremendous amount of love and fun in your home.
Marianne
Fantastic post! Eerie too since I was asking myself how I do what I do helping other PAPs get their kids home after I lost my child forever to an unethical agency. It's pretty rare that I feel that pang of jealousy when another PAP has a happy ending that I will never have, but when it hits, it hits hard.
I suppose it's just my way of making the universe right again. Some good has to come out of my bad experience. I see the struggles of other PAPs and when it all works out, it shows that there is justice in the world. But I also cry a little inside knowing that so many PAPs with unethical agencies are not going to get the same happy results. It illustrates that PAPs have a lot of fighting to do to balance the unfairness and corruption in adoption.
So when a happy ending happens, I see it as a sign that things are changing so that the best interest of these children is foremost and the profits of the agency is secondary. When a bad result happens, it shows we have a long way to go to reform adoption practice. Progress is being made.
I think we all have a little of the gh/bh war within us. The adoption process just intensifies it!
Great post - and pretty funny since I had these same issues last week while in Guat! (Sorry... but I really wanted to hurt a few of the people that were complaining that their child was almost SEVEN MONTHS OLD NOW!!! (sniff sniff!) Whatever...
Anyhow... I think that all of us that go through this process - GET THIS POST!!! How could we not! It's good to see that I'm not alone with the GOOD/BAD thoughts! :)
OH MAN!!! This made me laugh. I had the same struggle... we can ALL give you some slack on wishing our children will vomit on us. ;0) You deserve it. I would willingly be vomit upon if it would bring your babies home one day sooner. Hugs, Angel
You know what.... I love you heart either way... You are an insperation to me... Yes, you have your ups and downs, and we your friends are here to help pull you out of the downs, and celebrate the goods with you... Didi that make since? But, I remeber not to long ago a conversation about this very thing with you... I actually remembering to asking you to just smack me... As for the vomit... I sure do hope you are ready to hold Angelo... Cause I am finally pass the poop stuff... But the vomit... Lordy help me... I get an upset stomach just thinking about it...
And, Butt Ugly.... HAHAHA... ACTUALLY... HE IS ONE ON THE CUTEST KIDS IN THE WORLD!
As for Barbie... Can't wait to see if first hand!
HUGS
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