Tuesday, April 07, 2009

Thank you my friends

I am pleasantly surprised that no one flamed me for being honest about faith in my last post. I guess the world is a kinder, gentler place than it has felt like lately. To those of you who helped to answer my questions, I owe you a great big hug. I read every word twice and feel much better. Guilt feelings are a funny thing. They isolate us and make us feel like we are all alone. The only person who could be this weak, this lost, this questioning. But when I reached out, strong hands of faith came to hold my hand. To comfort me. To renew my strength.

Here is what I know to be true.

Peri Brynn was placed in our lives for a reason. God chose us specifically. I have often questioned his plan but never ever doubted that this was the right thing.

Peri Brynn would not be alive if I had not rushed to Guatemala and taken over her care. 

Peri Brynn would not have recovered so much if it was not for the loving care of the foster family I chose for her. 

I would not be the person I am now if Peri Brynn had not come into our lives. 

Someday we will find her and reach out to her. How many people in Guatemala are called 'Peri Brynn'? I am guessing only one. 

That there will be a final judgement for those who do the work of the devil. I do not need to make them pay, that is already taken care of. 

Thank you my friends for showing me that prayers are not for God, but for us. I never thought of it that way. I can remember being a little girl in Sunday school and being told it is a sin to ask God for things. Somehow in my mind that meant I could not ask for anything, but I think she meant material things. (ie: don't ask God to bring you a bicycle) Instead, my infantile brain turned it into something akin to 'Children should be seen and not heard'. If I didn't have something worthy to ask him about, then I should just be quiet. Now, all along I knew it was a good thing to pray for others, which I do daily and with conviction. I am also 'guilty' of asking for strength and wisdom to handle the trials of life, but that seemed OK, too. 

I also somehow came to the belief that God has a giant tally board in heaven and keeps score of good and bad. If I do more good, then I am worthy of God's mercy. If I don't do enough, well then I deserve every bad thing that happens to me. So, in my twisted mind, I must have been VERY, VERY bad. Enlightenment has been slow and sometimes painful. Sometimes coming in big 'A Ha' moments and sometimes in tiny quiet pieces. And with each bit of enlightenment, I have more and more and more questions. I guess it's a good thing I still question. If I thought I knew it all, then I would just be an IDIOT! 



Julie said...

just de-lurking long enough to send you a ((hug))... I hope that you will find your PBJ someday and she gets to feel the love you show for her IN PERSON. Until then, there's no end to this story... :)

Vanessa said...

Continuing to pray for you!!

Dana said...

You WERE very, very bad, but mercy is not because we deserve it, but because we do not. Our works are like filthy rags to God, never good enough. He loves us because He does, and we love Him and talk to Him because He loves us so much. He loves you even more than I do, and that is a whole lot!!!
Love You!!!