Sunday, April 05, 2009

Life Goes On

I am so torn up about what may be the end for PBJ, but reality is that life moves on no matter what. I may cry, knash my teeth, and rail at God, but the reality is, I have a family here to love and care for. The kids I have here deserve my undisturbed attention. I NEED to be their mother. Every minute of every day, no matter how crushed my heart is at the moment.

This weekend we planted more plants, mowed the grass (there is a LOT of it) killed weeds, watered seedlings, killed weeds, fed carrots to horses and played in the mud. A lot! It was wonderful. Every minute of it. Boys so dirty they had to be washed outside before they could come in for a bath. Plants springing from the r=earth casting away the husk of the seed that held them. Sunshine. Tan lines. Dirty stinky boys. 

Life was GOOD. 

And yet I cried. At night. For my lost little girl. Her sweet smile. Hair. Skin. I can still feel me holding her. How does this pain go away. I have so much. I have no right to hurt, and yet, my precious little girl is without me. n Have you ever cried so hard you threw up? Your eyes were swollen shut the next day? I have been there. 

I just keep wondering WHY? I have no answers and yet I need the so much.


Nikki said...

Oh, I am so sorry for what you must be going through. It just doesn't seem fair. I am hoping that whatever answers might come, you will feel at peace with them

Mamita J said...

Oh Wendy,

Lifting you up in prayer. Raw pain, unanswered questions, shredded heart...Praying for peace, answers and strength for you.


Susan said...

Oh, Wendy, I am so sorry.

Leah and Maya said...

my heart aches for you and for her and the life that she deserves. I am still hoping they work on it but I know they are just not doing much of anything there right now. IT just beyond sucks and I know thats a stupid thing to say but screaming and swearing on you comments isn't appropriate for me to do either. Just know we are all thinking of you and what you are going thru.

nikki said...

I don't always comment but I do follow your blog faithfully since poor PBJ was in the hospital. Wish any of us had some words of wisdom or consoling words to share. Lifting you up in prayer so that you may find peace, and that God may show you his plan for PBJ!!