Up by the bootstraps

I know it sounds pathetic, but I just can't shake the feeling that something is going to go wrong with PBJ's adoption. It has been too easy so far. The mean adoption ogre's are just lulling me into a false sense of security and then they are going to pull the rug out from under me, just like with Ahren's case. When we learned his case was submitted to Family Court, I didn't believe it. I checked a second source. When they verified it, I still didn't believe it and got verification from a third source. Then and only then did I allow myself to get excited. I remember finally breaking down in tears and hugging Chris saying we were finally going to get to bring our son home. We had started the process. I didn't care how long it took, I just knew that now we would eventually get him. That euphoria lasted about 3 days when we learned that they had mistakenly submitted our file and the birth certificate was still not fixed. The Family Courts rejected it and it went back into a pile on a desk somewhere, to wait on the new birth certificate. That low was deeper and darker than any of the others. Thirteen months of waiting, praying, hoping, loving had all come crashing down in an instant. I wanted to crawl into bed and pull the covers over my head. Hibernate for a month or two. I wanted the world to just leave me alone. It makes the good news from PBJ's case so bittersweet. I have asked the question Why a million/zillion times. My faith has taken a beating. I find myself just wishing they would tell us it was over so I could stop the pain. I don't feel like I have the energy to keep a positive outlook. Even so, we will not give up. I will pull myself up by the bootstraps as many times as it takes and keep pushing forward. One small boy with curly hair and huge dark eyes depends on us. He doesn't know it, but the love we have for him will change his life. He has already changed ours.


I took this picture a couple of weeks ago. Ashley had some friends over and I let them decorate Valentines cookies for fun. As a joke, the other girls pushed all the crumbs and sprinkles over by Ashley while she wasn't looking. It looks like she is a total piggy compared to the others, but it got them all giggling like only middle-school girls can do. (The sugar they consumed while sampling their handywork probably didn't hurt their giggliness either) Two of the girls who were there are sisters who were adopted just over a year ago from the foster care system. They are beautiful, wonderful girls and are blending into their new family really well. Their other siblings were adopted by another family about an hour away and the two families get together every month or so. It hasn't been easy for anyone but the rewards are huge.

So today's message is simple. Life may smack you on the chin, but grab those bootstraps and haul yourself back up. Little curly headed kids depend on it!