Adopting Ahren (& PBJ, too!)

Happy 6 month birthday Ahren! I sent a box of things to our agency and they said they were going to take it down in June and give it to you. I don't know if it ever happened, though. Hopefully you have all the toys and blankies we sent. The clothes are way too small for you, since the box was originally supposed to be down there in April plus we had no idea you were going to grow so fast. Oh well, some other baby can use the clothes.
It has finally sunk in that we will not be getting you any time soon. Probably not even by your first birthday. We will need to re-do a lot of paperwork since it has to be current and will expire before this process is completed. All of the baby stuff I bought is going to be useless. The clothes, the bottles, the baby bouncer. All of it. I have quit buying things at all. One of my joys had been to baby-shop for you. Cute outfits that I envisioned you wearing. Little hats, socks, bibs. Toys to play with. A special front pack carrier so I could literally wear you for the first few weeks you were home to help the bonding process. Instead, I have a new book on Toddler Adoptions.
My biggest fear, and a very real one, is that you will never become available to adopt. If they can't clear up the records, if so much time has passed that they can't find the birth mother, if the DNA can't be done.....we will lose you. I can hardly bear to think of it, but it happens. Today I am very sad. Six months old and I can't even plan on visiting you, holding you, cuddling you. Recently I heard someone refer to the adoption process as brutal. That's the perfect word. Brutal. Brutal on your heart, your faith, your emotions. But, the prize is so worth it. So, we will not give up. We will not waiver from our course. We are in it for the long haul. We are coming for you, Ahren!