I am the expert!

Warning: heavy use of sarcasm in the following.......ye be warned!

Well, as I see it, having been dealing with children with issues for more than 17 years I have become an expert. I know everything I have learned in 17 years, although I am subject to forgetting key things at times. I have earned all of my lessons pretty much the hard way. Trial and error, heavy on the error. I've even been to college, which unfortunately only taught me how to deal with egghead neurotic types and not so much my kids. I pat myself on the back when I have sudden moments of brilliant inspiration. OK. MOMENT of inspiration, but it was a good one! And I never, ever give up........more than three times a day.

See? Definitely expert material. So as my own resident expert, I give you the following new diagnoses that I have discovered:

NMD - stands for noise modulation deficiency. Characterized by the ability to scream in your face 'I love you' at a decibel level guaranteed to cause permanent hearing damage, followed by answering important questions in a voice so quiet that intergalactic sonar could not detect it.

RAM - Random Acts of Madness - I have talked about this before. The chewing through the cable to the WII nunchuk, cutting a hole in a shirt just because there were scissors, leaping off the top of the headboard to grab the shelf attached to the wall, ripping it out of the drywall and crashing to the floor, peeing off the top of the slide in a wide arching pattern which included his brothers head, etc etc.

OCOB - Obsessive Compulsive Obnoxious Behavior - constant nose picking leading to daily bloody noses, chewing on the neck of the shirt, shredding food like a little feral animal, constantly holding and rubbing his private area to the point he made the skin irritated (Dude, it isn't going anywhere! let it go!!!) and twisting and stretching his shirt with his arms. All of these are unconscious behaviors and incredibly hard to break and pretty much socially unacceptable.

CNP - Constant Noise Production - the inability to stop making noise for more than 2 seconds at a time. If a child runs out of things to talk about, he will begin to count with numbers, recite the alphabet or name off everything he sees around him. This is especially likely in a closed environment like a vehicle.

ULS - Unique Language Skills - the ability to SAY things without making any sense whatsoever. I think many politicians actually have this. An example would be, "Lily was the school for beaver monday klink." This is usually followed by the expectation of an answer. When a suitable answer is not forthcoming, the child will repeat the sentence louder and louder, with great indignity and frustration.

CMS - Conflicting memory Skills - this is characterized by the child who suddenly cannot remember how to drink from a glass, put on socks, or not jump on the furniture, but can seemingly remember the one time 9 months ago you mentioned that you thought having a picnic is lots of fun and wants to know if you are going TODAY, cuz you said so.

SSSH - Super-Sonic Selective hearing - This is the child who cannot hear you yell at him 15 times to put his shoes on, but if you attempt to whisper one teeny-tiny thing in another room to your husband suddenly springs up asking all sorts of questions about what you said.

And last but not least -

KLS - Klingon Love Syndrome - this child just LOVES you so much they have to squish your face for big sloppy kisses, hug you hard and at the most inconvenient times, practically knock you over rushing to greet you and hug you, and has to sit on top of you or climb you while you try and eat, potty, or put on makeup. This child is always one step behind you and often trips you and gets in the way while trying to work around the house. This is the child who gets stepped on and knocked over constantly, but it never slows them down. They are little Love Sponge Weebles.

Now, if you seriously want expert advice or information, please seek a true professional. Not a nut case like me!!!!