Sunday, May 08, 2011

Props to the Boy!

  Mother's Day, the one and only day of the year dedicated to those of us who squeeze babies out of our bodies, endure mounds of paperwork. more security checks than those who visit the president, months of delays, heartache and lost referrals, long nights with sick babies and long days with traumatized kids. The other 364 days of the year are clearly in honor of our young. This one day of the year is so full of importance and meaning and expectations.

  One small boy did not let me down. He went totally above and beyond the highest expectations. He pulled out all the stops. Really out did himself. He set the bar so high I don't know how he can ever top it. Just to be sure he completely overwhelmed me with his generosity, he started yesterday.

  My husband discovered 5 pairs of urine-stenched underwear hidden behind things while he gathered clothes for the laundry. Sweet as my husband is, he knew it was intended for me and silently washed them and never told me. Gosh I love that man! Unfortunately that was completely unsatisfactory to the small party boy. His special presents went un-noticed. To him, that is like throwing down the gauntlet.

  So today, he upped the ante. When I went to get him dressed today I realized the entire front of his underwear was crusty and yellow. I sweetly told him to take them off, deliver them to the laundry room and get clean ones. No argument from him, and that was that. We went to lunch at a local mexican restaurant that is family owned and run. Good music, great food and fun, fun, fun. Later in the afternoon I walked past the boys bathroom. What I saw was a pile of toilet paper on the floor, the roll of paper next to it with poo all over it. Next to that, 3 feet from the toilet, was a foot long smear of poo on the tile. I gathered the boys and asked them who might have had a little 'accident' in the bathroom. Levi looked me in the eyes and said not him. Ahren looked me in the eyes and said not him (plus I knew Ahren had done his one poo of the day earlier in a different bathroom) I looked at Seth and he began stammering, rolling his eyes all over, and swaying from side to side.

  I had an idea. I looked at the poo, and proudly proclaimed that since I am indeed a scientist, I would get my 'kit' and solve who the owner of the poo was using science. Seth immediately burst into tears. I told them all that if the guilty party would fess up right now, all they would have to do is to help me clean it up. But....if they didn't and I had to test it and find out, the guilty party would be in ENORMOUS trouble. Seth sobbed harder. I asked him again if he had made the mess. No, no, no, he was not the one.

  So I went and got cotton swabs, the special bottle of drops and the spray fixative. I swabbed the sample (Seth is by now sobbing like the world is coming to an end) I added the drops to wet the sample, and I sprayed on the fixative. The sample looked green under fluorescent light. Bingo! It was Seth's poo. By now Seth was purple in the face, soaked with sweat and beside himself. I announced that my fantastic scientific skills had solved the mystery!

  Seth now broke and admitted it was his poo. (No shit Sherlock, pun intended!) I asked his Daddy (who was trying sooo hard not to laugh out loud) what punishment the guilty deserved. Hmm, we decided we were both so mad that we just didn't know WHAT to do to him! He sat there in his misery on the couch while we discussed many serious consequences. (OK, we might have had a little too much fun with that part......but hey, this has been going on since Christmas and I am so OVER it!) We finally decided to send him to bed for a nap. He was asleep in less than 5 minutes and has now been sleeping for 90 minutes.

 While he was sleeping, I discovered 4 more urine soaked pairs of underwear hidden, plus a pair of short. Several were still wet. See? He really did out do himself. How one small boy can produce that much urine in 24 hours amazes me. And to think, it was all for me. I am soooo touched.

P.S. The 'KIT' was a vial of eye drops, Q-tips, and a small sample size bottle of hair spray. I am such a CSI!!!! LMAO!!!!!!!!!


Andrea said...

You seriously amaze me, Wendy. I would have lost my sh*t over that incident, and could not have been that creative. I wish you a VERY Happy Mother's Day. You are one amazing Mama!!

Diana said...

Oh, my goodness! You are BRILLIANT!! I'm so stealing the science experiment gig! I love it!!

My kid did his poo job at school a couple of days ago. Yeah. That was fun! But, yesterday was pee, poop, violence, and mostly even drama free from all my kids! Yeah for my kids!!