An Open Letter

Dear House Gremlins,

  Why do you revel in your attempts to drive me crazy? Don't you realize I am already there? Seriously, there is no challenge here. Go pester someone else!

  Was it really necessary to put my new bird feeder on top of the cabinet in the bathroom? Or to put the new pack of gum I had just purchased on top of the refrigerator? Both places that I have absolutely no ability to see without the aid of a tall chair or ladder, by the way. Did you feel it necessary to hide the only notarized copies of our updated homestudy inside a folder of school info, inside of a drawer, under a pile of other junk? I bet you laughed your little gremlin heads off when I had to pay to get new copies and have them over-nighted to get them in time. 

  And why exactly is all the carpet in the living room damp? (Maybe I don't want to know the answer to that!) But again, I bet you laughed when you saw me drop to my knees to sniff the wet carpet, fully expecting the smell of pee. (It wasn't, whew!) And gremlins, was that potato chips you ate in my bed, under the covers, and then re-made the bed so I wouldn't suspect a thing before I shoved my tired and sore body (after a day of mowing and painting) into the scratchy, crunchy mess. 

  It was pure genius of you to slip the back door open just mere moments before the kids popped the latch on the dog's kennel, releasing our 6-pound Cujo to run off through the woods to chase the deer. For the umpteenth time. This week. 

  What did you think was the fun in stacking the stuff in the cabinet in such a way that when I opened the door the 4-month old expensive blender came crashing out and smashed to smithereens on the tile floor? What do you have against smoothies? (I now have 2 working blender bases and NO glass container) 

  Why is the left shoe from 3 pairs of my shoes missing? Why was there an apple core behind the couch? Where are all my socks and why did I end up with a pair of my husbands the other day (which I pulled on in a half-asleep state and then realized the heel was halfway up the back of my leg)? How come every time I grab a bath towel I get the one nasty scratchy, sand-paper off your skin, non-absorbent piece of garbage towel (which I am too cheap to throw away)? Why did I find the flouride rinse I bought the boys in the top of a kitchen cabinet when it was obvious it should go in the bathroom? 

  The other day you were extra clever, though. I was preparing for a little project and had just dug through kitchen cabinets to find the items I needed. I went to change my clothes and by the time I got back to the kitchen, they were all gone. Poof! My memory may be a tad flighty, but come on, 2 minutes and you think I would forget? I curse you, Gremlins!  

  Leave me alone! Go pick on someone else. Find a family who seems perfect and mess with them. Leave me and my chaos in peace! I mean it. I am prepared to get ugly.....