I find myself asking the question Why? all the time. In fact, I torment myself with that one little word. Maybe it's the scientist in me that gives me the overwhelming need to know why. Maybe it is normal. I don't know. I just know that I ask and ask and ask and have yet to find any answers.
Why is the process so difficult?
Why is the process so expensive?
Why does it take so long?
Why aren't there straight-forward systems in place to find children homes?
Why do people have to make it even harder?
Why can't anyone help?
Why is it so hard to get information?
Why all the lies?
Why do some cases fly through and others are mired down for years?
Why do people say such ingnorant things?
Why us? Why our cases? Why our kids?
I had the nursery all decorated for Ahren. Blues and greens, calm, cute. New crib bedding, matching curtains. I donated it all to charity. Now I have PBJ's crib all done. Bedding from Pottery Barn Kids, lavender and green, matching cloth bins to hold her stuff. It is adorable.
Emotional numbness. That's where I am at. Numb. I can't get mad. I can't get sad. I don't cry anymore. Am I going to be able to enjoy PBJ when she comes home or will I be too numb to feel it? I enjoyed spending our visit trip time with her, but it still felt like I was babysitting someone else's kids. Playing at being Mommy.
Have I mentioned lately that I hate what this process has made me become?????
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- A Little Levity ala Levi
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3 comments:
Trust me... That numbness feeling goes away the minute they put that child in your arms FOREVER... For me it was an amazing moment that I will charish forever... Your heart will flutter, your eyes fill with emotions, you realize that this little thing that you have longed for is finally in your arms...That numbness fades so fast, you will forget about all the grief that you have been through... Hang in there, those kids will be home and your house will be filled with laughter, cheers and tears, you won't have time for NUMBNESS!
HUGS
I went through feeling that. It took some time for me to get that it was real. Now I feel really healed and could never imagine not doing it even with all the pain. I would do it again if I had to because she's so amazing. This is so hard and my heart just breaks for you. I will just scream for joy when your babies finall come home. You may or may not feel numb but you will fall even more in love. A year ago I was a mess. Now I feel stronger than I have ever been. Just like a hard workout. This pain is leading to strength. Hugs to you. Angel
Sweetie, part of the numbness is that you have realized that adoption is not the fantasy sold to you by the adoption industry. I know I just angered a lot of people saying that there is a fantasy element to adoption. But there is. We idealize the process, we idealize the agency personnel we trust, we idealize the facilitators and attorneys in foreign countries, we idealize the birth parents. Some of that is because PAP's are not told the entire truth. Just told the parts the adoption industry wants us to know and sometimes outright lies to get our money. We hear that it is this wonderful hearts-and-flowers kind of experience and your case has been anything but.
You are not having the ideal adoption. So much of what was presented to you as easy, rewarding, trustworthy, reliable has been proven to be false. Not only false, but egregiously malicious and fraudulent. A knife got stuck in your back and since you never expected this to happen, you are in shock.
I don't know if putting that child in your arms cures the shock of being deceived. The rug was pulled out from under you and that knocked you for a loop. Someone ripped away the pretty package and you found out that underneath your agency was vile and nasty greed. Your whole adoption is spinning and it can be very disorientating.
You have accepted the deception and decided to fight it. But it takes a lot of energy to fight back. When energy gets depleted, numbness is sometimes a consequence. A signal of needing to take care of yourself emotionally and physically. At least in the short term.
I know you have been working yourself to the bone, going above and beyond to help other victims and traveling to Guatemala in addition to selling a house and building a new one. Evaluate what you need to do to get some rest, put yourself first.
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