Ashley

Ashley does not like being broken (what she calls having thyroid disease).

Ashley chose to live with her father in Dallas so he wouldn't be alone.

Ashley is 12 and already taller than I am.

Ashley has a big heart and a big temper.

Ashley is very angry at me.

Ashley was 2 years old when her father and I separated. She was 8 years old when she decided she wanted to live with him. We all went to a child psychologist before we allowed her to go live with him to insure that this was in her best interest. I was positive the psych. would say a little girl needs to be with her mom, but I was wrong. She felt that Ashley had a very strong attachment to her father and also had a need for more attention, which she would get as an only child with him. My heart broke into a million pieces but I let her go. I cried so many tears, I had nightmares, I ached so badly. But she was happy and doing well. Being a mother is all about sacrifice and I figured that if this was best for her then I would deal with it. Her Dad is a good guy. We are still friends and have done things all together with the kids whenever possible. We talk on the phone frequently and try and back each other up in our parenting. It's not easy but we do it for the girls.

Every time Ashley comes to visit us, if it's for a weekend or a summer, she acts out. She only behaves this way towards me and around me. She's an angel with her dad, at school and with her friends. But with me, she is demanding, rude, belligerent, mouthy and downright mean at times. This isn't all the time, but she has episodes of this every single time she visits. She has a lot of anger inside her all directed towards me.

She thinks that because she doesn't live with me that when she comes to visit it should be an all-out Ashley party and this would prove to her I love her. Instead, we do a few special things but mostly just behave like a normal family. To her this means I don't miss her and love her. To her this is not fair. I think that it wouldn't be fair to treat her differently just because she chose not to live here. What would Katie and Levi think if Ashley gets special attention/gifts etc when she visits, but they never get the same treatment. I treat her exactly like I do them because I love her and want everything to be fair.

I also think that Ashley invents unfair treatment at our house so that she can justify living with her dad. Her bad behavior always escalates in the few days before she goes back to him, so that by the time she goes she is escaping what she thinks is a horrible situation. In her mind we all abuse her, she is neglected, treated unfairly, mistreated and miserable.

Here are some examples of what Ash perceives as mistreatment. 1) I refused to buy her a Coach purse this weekend. Remember, she is 12 and a Coach purse costs mucho $$$. How vile of me. 2) She and Katie went for a walk at 10:30 pm one night. We were in bed, heard the door and went to investigate. We couldn't find the girls anywhere inside or outside the house (panic!). Finally, they came walking back up the road, both dressed all in dark colors. We took their phones away for a day. 3) Ashley wanted to go swimming yesterday but I said No because it was storming. Rain and lightning, etc. 4) It took me 2 weeks to find and assemble all the parts to the computer so she could get on the internet.

I have taken Ashley to counselors, doctors, etc. I have taken time off to spend special one-on-one time with her. When she visits we go get her nails done, get her hair done, do some shopping. I take her to the eye doctor, the dentist, the endocrinologist, the pediatrician. I realized a long time ago that it is never enough. For some reason she does not feel my love and she is very angry at me.

I remember when she was 44 days old and had RSV. Her father had already moved to Dallas and I was still in Phoenix with a 2 year old and a new baby trying to sell the house. Ashley was sick from the time she was born. She couldn't tolerate any formulas and had intestinal bleeding. She had to have a special prescription formula (I wasn't able to nurse because my seizure meds would have been toxic to her) Then she got RSV. She spent a week in the hospital. I never left her. I arranged for friends to keep Katie and I never left her side. They had to stick her 7 times to get an IV going (in her head!) and I held her thru it all. At night, her alarms would go off and the nurses would rush in to get her breathing again, and I was there. I slept in the chair beside her bed. The nurses gave me scrubs to wear because I had only the clothes on my back. I learned to do chest percussion and suction out the mucous and give her breathing treatments by myself. I never left her. When we were able to go home, I had to give her breathing treatments, chest percussion and suctioning every two hours around the clock. I did it and took care of Katie, all by myself. I drank gallons of coffee and lost a lot of weight, but I nursed my baby back to health. This is the baby that has a love/hate thing going on with me now.

Why is she so angry? I didn't know a broken heart could continue to break.....