Poor pathetic me

So the other day I fessed up about my secret hateful thoughts about others whose adoptions go smoothly. Now I am going to tell you something even more shocking. I sometimes think God has forgotten us. There. I said it out loud. I have doubts. Serious doubts. Why is this whole adoption thing so hard? Why did we end up with the case where it took 18 months just to get the baby's birth certificate? Are we being punished? Is this a test? Why Lord, why????

And to make me feel even worse, my husband is one of those calmly serene believers who never has a doubt or worry that God's will is being done. We just need to be patient and his path for us will be revealed. Yeah, well, patience is highly over-rated in my book. I want action. I need a plan. I have to have a checklist.

I have faith but not so much trust. I believe but I question. I try and live each and every day by what the good book says, knowing I will never be perfect but striving to at least be better than I was the day before. I am stronger than I knew but still faltering on this long road. I guess the emotions that visiting are bringing out are almost too hard for me to deal with. Or maybe I am just human....or crazy. Or both!

One day in church, when we were teaching Sunday school, the lesson of the day was how God was all around us if we only paid attention. Look at the ground. See the ant? That is God's work. It is amazing. Last night, when I was driving home, I reached our new neighborhood, and right in the middle of the road stood a tiny little fawn. She just stood there looking up at the sky, not noticing my car as I slowly approached. When she finally spotted me, she skittered across the road on her tiny little hooves and bounded into the woods. What an amazing little creature, so beautiful, so graceful.

I need to remember that two small innocent children are counting on me to be strong for them. Two little lives that I need to think of. This isn't about me or my pathetic insecurities. It's about them and their lives, not just the adoptions or bringing them home, but raising them up to be strong, confident adults. I need to pay more attention to God all around me and to keep my eye on the big picture.

And occasionally vent so my head doesn't pop off!