I feel so guilty!

I would like to think that I am a nice person. That I genuinely care about others and give selflessly of myself at all times. But the truth is I harbor a secret hatred of those who are having an easy time adopting. Some of them deserve a little loathing as they crow about their perfect agencies and fantastic timelines, but others started out the same way we did. With a simple wish to bring a child into their families. As luck would have it they breezed through without many of the pitfalls most of us face. because believe me, whether it is domestic or international, Guatemala or China, there are pitfalls and delays and roadblocks aplenty!

I was reading the Guatemala adopt.com forumn (which I keep vowing to never look at again because it upsets me too much) and I saw a woman announcing they are out of PGN and their baby is only 4 months old. Umm, is that right? Can that be? Why??? Why her and not me? Why that baby and not mine? Did we do something wrong? Is there a secret no one has told me? Are they more deserving than us? I feel so guilty for hating them just because they are blessed. I want to kick something. I want to slap someone. I want to be angry at the whole world.

There are times I wish I had never thought about adoption. That I had been satisfied with my three wonderful children, loving husband and beautiful life. I wish I didn't have this void inside of me that I thought needed to be filled by another child or two. Instead the void is now full of worry and stress, tears and pain, endless paperwork and sleepless nights. And yet, I cannot imagine things any differently. This is my path. My long and winding road. My steps falter but they won't stop. Each step brings me closer to my babies. Left, right, left, right....