End of the school year....ugh

  Anyone with a kid who has 'issues' knows from experience that change is a very bad thing. Very bad. Big change is just that much more bad. Sorry, bad grammar. The strain of this has turned me into a brainless lump of mush.
  So we have been dealing with the fallout of an unexpected death of a young person, the extreme and scary emotions a parent has displayed, and the abandonment of the mom in the midst of such upheaval. (I went to my sister's house for a week after my nephew died). Add in the extreme stress of the state mandated tests that the kids have been working towards all year. Poor Jon, he is an anxious mess.
  Now we have the end of the school year anxiety. What is going to happen?  This is exacerbated by the question if he is going to get to go to fourth grade or not. This is the recipe for extreme dis-regulation.  He wakes up each morning growling and snarling at me. Not just a poor morning person, truly nasty. He tells his brother he wants him to die. He puts his shoes on and then takes them off and we can't find them. He blames me. He can't get his pants on. He can't find his backpack. I hand him his lunch and it is gone.
  I am also stressed. I am down to the last few days of school with my class. I have not slept because of the extreme storms our area ( Houston) has been having. I am on alert for the Red Cross but when they asked me to open a shelter on Monday I turned them down. My family comes first. I am not at my best. Not so patient and understanding.
  Then there is Ahren. He is negative about everything. I say school has been delayed and he wails like a stabbed sheep. Why? Because he thinks he has to stay at school that much later. No. Just a shorter day. He still wails. Why? He doubts I know what I am talking about and he will be in trouble for showing up late. This is a bit understandable, but when he screams because I give Jon a plate,of,breakfast and he thinks that means I won't give him  some? Of course I made some for him. Where is this coming from? Anxiety. Ahrens version. I hate it.
  Now tonight, Levi began throwing up. First time he made it to the doorway of my bathroom where he projectile vomited all over everything. Toilet, walls, toilet paper, floor, door, everything. It was nasty. I had to hold my breath while I cleaned it up. Poor Chris thought I wa mad because I huffed at him but it was only because I had been holding my breath. I think he understands....

  Two more days of school and then two days of I service where I work half days. Then I am 100% mom. Hopefully that will turn things around. If not, I am looking for a circus job for an overweight, middle aged woman........

Thank you

  Thank you to everyone who made suggestions. We also met with his therapist Saturday for a couple of hours and hashed out plans, including him in the conversation. I truly appreciate the advice, ideas and non-judmental delivery. Believe me, I beat myself up enough that no one else needs to step in.


  This is what we are doing today for memorial Day. It has finally stopped raining after 3 weeks of non-stop storms. I got called to go run another Red Cross shelter this morning but I declined. It was a long way away and I am just getting up to speed on what to do. I still need another manager around to help if I get stuck.
  The pool is the best investment we have ever made. The boys use it constantly. Notice how we have two little brown-skinned nuts and one albino boy. Poor Levi, he is pigmentally challenged!

They make up contests like who can make the biggest splash, who can hold their breath the longest and who can do the dumbest jump into the water. Of course I have to be the judge for all of these.

We have not gotten the landscaping and new fence in yet. Reference the rain comment above. We could have planted rice or seaweed maybe…..

I can't believe I actually got a picture of a kid smiling and not making some sort of a derp face.

This is more like the pictures I usually get. One kid under water, one making an evil face and one in full derp mode.

I hope the sunshine lasts. We may have to trade the pool in for an Ark at this point.

Hey Mom, I made my own doggie door!

You know \the old saying, 'when it rains it pours'? Well this week has pretty much sucked on every level. Today it hit a new low. I locked the dogs in the boys' bathroom when we left today because it was stormy outside. I do this all the time and they are fine. This is what I came home to today. They ATE the friggin door! I put them outside and poured myself a drink. I think we might be eating barbecued Boxer for dinner……...

Out of control....

  I am going to speak very openly about some issues here. I know some will judge me, but I don't care. If you have advice or ideas, shoot them to me.  I am that desperate. I need to do whatever I can to help my son. We have made a lot of progress but now we are stuck and the future doesn't look so bright. Tear me up but help my son!
  I love Jon. I love him as much as any of my kids, maybe more because he needs me more than they do. But...he works very hard at being unlove able. Here is what has been happening.
  Ever since my nephew died at the end of January he has tanked at school. His grades went form 98% to 56% in just 8 weeks. How did he do this? He put nonsense answers on his work, he didn't turn in his work and he actually ATE one spelling test. He has been telling lies, stealing and has a nasty attitude.
  Yesterday, I had a bag of one dollar bills and change that Levi needed for a sale at school on the dining room table next to their lunches. I told Levi his money was there and Jon grabbed it and ran. I told him to bring it back and he did. I thought it went into Levi's bag but when we got to school,it wasn't there. The table was bare when we left.
  When we got home I asked if anyone had seen the bag because I had lost it. No one had seen it. Five minutes later Jon 'discovered' the bag of money on the table underneath a shirt (no shirt was in the table before that). He acted like he was the hero, finding the money.
  Then tonight I got a call from his teacher. He has not turned in any work in the last two weeks. If she had been logging in those zeros he would be failing third grade. Then she told me he failed the big state exam for reading. Normally that would mean he did not graduate to fourth grade but they changed it this year. Whew! He just has to,do lots of tutoring and extra work next year. Note, he is perfectly capable of passing, no, excelling in that exam. He is very smart. He sabotaged himself. The math results are not in yet. If he fails that he will be retained in third grade.
  He is doing this to himself. I cannot stop it. He,is self-destructing. I have no,idea what to do. Do I give him more ove or more consequences? Do I let him fail and hope he gets it? Do I give up and hope he just stays out of jail?
 He lies, he manipulates, he has fits, he is mean, he talks incessantly just to hear his voice, he is hell-bent on self-destruction. How do I save him????

The week from Hades

 First, no answer from the school or anyone involved on the militant cafeteria helper. Not happy. I think I will have to escalate my complaints. I hate to do that but my child's health/life might be on the line. Luckily the allergy treatments he has had are working and he does not have life threatening reactions any more. But...other kids still do have life threatening allergies. This needs to be fixed!!

  This past week we have had intense storms in our area, including severe flooding. I am a Red Cross Disaster Relief Center Manager. I helped open two relief centers this week. It was hard work, late,nights and no sleep but so important. I didn't miss any work, stayed up at night, organized the efforts and kept alert. We had only three people need our shelters, luckily. Still, I didn't sleep much for two nights this week. I was a walking zombie. In fact, one day I lost Levi at work and I was running around yelling his name when the director reminded me he was at my home, not school. I had almost been in tears!!! That,is too tired!!!!

  Today we served at our,church for something we call Beyond The Walls. The people of our,church reach out to,our community to help the elderly, needy, homeless, etc. plus we have a team making dresses for little girls, visit nursing homes and take them cookies, and wash cars for free. 

  The biggest effort was Stop Hunger Now. More than 250 people gathered together to package meals for the hungry worldwide. Each bag we made contained vitamins, dried veggies, soy protein and rice, enough to feed six people. We made 40,0000 packages today. I am so proud of my boys. Each one worked a scale, adjusting the weight of each bag to fall into a specific range. We worked for hours making these meals but not one kid quit. What an amazing lesson for them. Three years ago they served meals to the homeless, then the next year to a shelter, then last year we painted rooms at a shelter. Lead by example. That is the thing we all need to do. Lead by example!!!!

  I am soooo tired. Sorry for typos. I am just so ,tired......

Mama Bear is Mad!

  One morning this week Jon began telling me about a cafeteria monitor at his school that was 'being mean'. His words, not mine. First he told me that she asked him to put water on his head. I was so confused. You have to understand, he has a big problem putting his thoughts into words so I have to dig to understand what he is trying to tell me. It turns out she didn't like that his hair sticks up and demanded he wet it with water and slick it down. First, I have to say good luck with that, he is part porcupine. If I can't get it to lay down with 57 different hair products, water is not going to work. Secondly, WTF? She is a cafeteria monitor! What should she care about his hair? It is well within the guidelines for hair so back,off.
  Then he tells me she won't let him use the restroom. Since I worked at the school last year I know that the restrooms are available during lunch. Kids eat, drink, need the restroom. It's biology. Just saying.
  Then he tells me she told him the word "bullcrap" when he said he really needed the restroom. Oh, now I am getting a little ticked. My son does NOT need anymore bad words in his vocabulary. And he certainly does not need to be talked to that way.
  And then.......Ahren tells me that last week he left his lunch in his classroom and when he asked her to go get it she told him no and made him go purchase a hot lunch. She led him to the lunch line and made him go through. He was too scared to not do what she said. But, this is my child with food allergies. The kind where he has doctor orders on file, Epi-Pens in the nurses office, medical care directives for emergency care. This past week he has had asthma issues and has thrown up. Is it from the food? The more I think about this woman and her power trip on the kids the madder I get. I wanted to march into the school, find her, and confront her. I decided that was a bad idea because I knew I might have lost my shiznit and gone totally Mama Bear on her. It would have been ugly. So I didn't. Instead I e-mailed the school,and they are "looking into it". No word yet. I may still have to go into the school and I hope I can keep cool. I would look horrible in a mug shot!
  I hate stupid people. I really do. Just saying......

Where did my little boy go?

Levi was just a baby yesterday. I remember rocking him at night during feedings, savoring the sweet feel and smell of baby in my arms. An adorable tow-headed toddler, making everyone laugh with his silliness. Worried little boy heading for kindergarten, serious and somber, taking it all so seriously. 

Those blue eyes the color of denim, his Dad's nose and eyebrows, my hair, a smattering of freckles. 

My little boy is disappearing right before my eyes.

Instead a young man in emerging. Strong chin, muscles, broad shoulders, no more baby faced boy. He acts like a boy most of the time, but in some moments I see the older version of my baby. Sweet, caring, funny, handsome, very smart. So much like his father. It is amazing to watch the transformation……..but I miss my baby.

Ridiculousness

We live in a very nice subdivision. We have lakes and a golf course, riding trails for our horses, and a Homeowners Association that insures that our lawns are well maintained, etc. 

For the past 6 years, homeowners have been trying to get board approval to erect flag poles at each of our three entrances. One for the American flag and one for the Texas flag. Oddly, the board never approved or disapproved the plan, just kept delaying things.

  Homeowners banded together and raised the money to buy and place the poles and to have the flags replaced every 6 months. The money did not have to come from our HOA dues and the maintenance was already taken care of, but without board approval the poles could not be placed on subdivision property. One enterprising man then approached the county and asked if the poles could be placed on the county easement just in front of our entrance landscaping. The county granted him approval and everything seemed to be moving forward.

  And then….KAPOW! It all blew up horribly. The BOD got their feelings  hurt that someone would go around them to get the flagpoles up and they dug in their feet. A nasty war of words ensued on a public forum that not only our homeowners could see but all of the surrounding community as well. It became very ugly, very fast.  After the melee died down it was decided that a survey should be done to allow the homeowners to vote yes or no on the flags. No surprise, it came out overwhelmingly in support of the flags. Still, this did not satisfy the board so they ordered another survey which also came out overwhelmingly in support of the flags. Nastiness continued to be flung around, the board continued to drag their feet (they have had the survey results for a while and have not posted them yet). The board meetings have been full of more contentiousness and no answers.

  Then, suddenly, the flags appeared at our entrances and there was a huge outpouring of pride and happiness from almost all of the homeowners.  We have no idea who did it! At the last board meeting, two days after the flags went up, the board announced they were having them taken down and would then begin the process of coming up with a design and getting bids to place flagpoles, all paid for out of the HOA dues. Say what? They want to take down the flags and make us pay to have the whole thing re-done on our dime? The flag poles are on the approved county easement so I don't think legally they can touch the flags. They didn't pay for them, nor do they have jurisdiction over the property they are on. They announced the flags would be removed on Wed. and homeowners camped out around the flags to defend them. No one ever showed up to take them down.

  Again the whole issue was hashed out in a public internet forum, but also in the news and on the radio here. We are being called the subdivision that tears down flags. Nice….

Levi loves the show Dr. Who so I found the original pattern and made a smaller version of it for him. 

Chris surprised the boys with a new dirt bike. The old one was getting much too small for them.

Levi in the kitchen with me making braised short ribs. All of our boys love to cook and I enjoy the help and the company! 

Yum Yum!!! And easy-peasy.

It's been a long, difficult, time

  I know I have been very absent. Even my family has given up bugging me for updates. Huge sigh…. I lay in bed at three am and write posts in my head. They are so witty and entertaining and informative….they just never make it into print. Of course everything I think at 3 am seems terribly witty, entertaining and informative. It is probably all drivel and makes no sense. Hah!
  So, when my nephew died I was devastated. The kids saw me lose my shiznet in a way no one has ever seen. Then barely more than a day later I leave for a week to be with my sister and family. The boys seemed to deal with it, the week was uneventful here and life went on. When I returned I felt like I had been gone forever, living in an alternate universe, very disconnected. I burst into tears randomly, had trouble connecting with anyone and slept very little. Levi and Ahren showed great empathy and suffered a little along with me. Jon spiraled out of control. His grades went from an average of 98 to 57 in the last 9 week grading period. He began stealing again, he put nonsense answers on his work, he destroyed important papers (field trip permission slips…several of them) he lied and acted out and was a completely unregulated mess. We immediately found a grief counselor who specializes in attachment issues. She is new to the area or we would have been on her doorstep a long time ago! She is helping but it is slow going. Many layers to unravel.
  After his third trip to the principals office in 10 days we instituted commando parenting. He has lost all extracurricular activities. No parties, no sleep overs, no play dates, no electronics, no special anything. He is getting tons of hugs and love, lots of support making good decisions and lots of physical activity. Every day we give him a pep talk about how great he is and what he can do if he only wants to do it. His teachers are on board and supporting this too. It is working!! He is trying, he is making better decisions, and he acts like he feels calm and loved! His grades are coming up. He still has moments, but they are getting farther between and lesser in degree.
  We still have a long way to go. Even to just get back to where he was 6 months ago. The good thing is that by working through this and surviving, he has learned such a valuable lesson. He is stronger and more confident in himself. Without trials in life how will he ever learn? The answer is he can't. We could place him in a bubble and not rock the boat but we can't protect him forever. It is more important to give him the tools and foundation to handle the normal problems life hands us. Let's tough it out now and then he has the chance at a very happy, successful life.

 Love this little guy more than cheese!!!!

I love him so much

  Jon is struggling. But....he is seeking help,and a grounding in me. He keeps seeking hugs and my affirmations of love.  He is trying.
  In the meantime their is pee and poo in the bathroom on surfaces it should not be on, he is bouncing off the walls, and his language is very inappropriate. He is hurting his friends at school, doing nonsense on his school work, and being super annoying at home. I just keep hugging him, loving him, and talking to him. He went to bed early tonight very willingly. That is a good sign. When he is calm and sleeps he is okay. Poor baby, this really upset him.
  Just to let you know what a kid with RAD/PTSD can do to show you he is struggling, here is the truth: pee on the wall behind the toilet, poop on the wall, dispenser and tub, broken toys, ugly words, underwear with pee and poo, pants with dried pee on them, hitting, sleeping issues, hurting the pets, and any other thing he can think of that is NOT what I want. You cannot imagine unless you have been there. There was a time when he sneaked my earrings and destroyed one of each pair. For a long time I thought I  lost my mind since I only had one of each pair. Then I found the other ones twisted and broken and I figured it out. He was so smart. He took one of each pair and destroyed it. He is so smart.
 Then there werenthe months of poop on everything. Poop on clothes, the walls, the shower, the toys, the doors, everything! Even in the dryer, while it was turned on. Hot poop. Not good!!! We survived and were better for it. Maybe not better smelling but better understanding.
  He needs us to take it. He needs us to persevere. He needs us to be stubborn, and we are, more than he will ever know. Love will win out. We will love him more than he can push us away. He won't win, love will win. We will love him to success. He is so worth it!!!!!

Fallout

  If we have learned anything about our RADish it is that changes trigger him. Now take this child who has had so much loss in his life, make his Mama super sad, then have her disappear for a week and you get the Tsunami of fallout. At home he seemed to be doing okay, extra clingy and mildly annoying but hanging in there. Then I got the urgent e-mail from the school. Duh-duh-duh. (scary music)
  I met with his teachers on Tuesday and they painted a very different picture. At school he was out of control, failing his work, picking on others and creating mayhem. They showed me some of his recent work and for one math problem he had answered it DOG. Now that takes some dedication and work to come up with completely nonsense answers. Not just wrong answers, but completely nonsense.
  The kicker, though, was on Monday he had convinced two boys to hold a staring contest and as they tried not to blink, he smashed their heads together. I dare you not to laugh! Where does he come up with this stuff? If he would just use his powers for good not evil……sigh.
  We thought about consequences for all of this but decided to just love him more and help him through this. We are seeing a new therapist but not sure I am impressed yet. We may need to consider a return to meds but only if absolutely necessary to keep his anxiety at a level he can deal with.
  So for now, do NOT let this boy talk you into a staring contest.

Broken Hearts

Please pray for my family. On Thursday we lost my dear nephew Zane. He was only 20 years old, a beautiful, vibrant, intelligent young man. We are all in shock. It just can't be real. Someone wake us up from this nightmare. Tomorrow morning I head to my sister Dana's home to be with her for the next week. I wish we lived closer to each other and not half a nation away. A week is not enough time to hug her, touch her, share with her. I love her so much and I can do so little. So very little. Please pray. We need it so much right now.

What's Up?

We have been super, super busy around here. Lots of fun and lots of not-so-fun things happening. Here is a quick update.

Over the Thanksgiving holiday we travelled for about 35 hours total in the car to visit family. The boys travel well, amazingly! Here are a few highlights. I still have one more camera of pics to download so I am missing some people and activities.

We saw and played in real snow! This is the first time my boys have ever seen snow. We had to buy some snow gear when we got to Iowa because you can't get mittens and heavy coats in Houston. There was not a ton of snow, but there was enough and the right quality to build a snowman.

Jon decided to make a snow angel while at my parent's house so he went out onto the snowy deck, plopped face down and began to move his arms and legs up and down. He quickly came up, face full of snow, gasping for breath. We all watched and laughed!!! He had only seen it on TV and din't have a clue how to really make a snow angel. He still had fun!!

At my in-laws ranch we got to bottle feed a 2-week old calf. This little guy was not getting enough milk from his Mom and was close to death when they brought him to the barn, made him a warm spot and started bottle feeding him. We petted him and loved on him and he was the sweetest little guy. When Levi found out he was destined to be meat on someone's table he cried and cried. Levi, not the calf. Sweet boy with such a kind heart.

We named the calf Sir Loin, even though they do not name the cattle because they do not want to get attached to them. Sorry, we still got attached and will continue to think of him as a sweet calf living on the ranch, forever the size of a large dog.

We visited some buffalo that were very friendly. This is the bull of the herd and all he wanted was to lick you and to have his head scratched.

He was huge, but not as big as some buffalo I have seen. Maybe they were Beefalo, a cross between cows and buffalo???? Still an amazing experience.

We saw amazing sunsets on the ranch. Looking out across the couple hundred or so acres of family land. It makes me want to go lead a simpler life.

At my parents house we actually stayed in a resort hotel with an indoor water park. This is a picture from the last time we visited there. This time we were the ONLY family in the resort the beginning of the week. They were so awesome and turned on the pumps each day just for us and turned them off when we were done. It gave my folks a break each afternoon and the boys a chance to burn off energy.  There are two indoor water play areas and it was all ours. We felt so spoiled!!!!

One last photo. This little guy is struggling as he does every year at this time. I love him so much and I hate to see him struggle. Buster has been sticking very close to him, doing his best therapy dog work and it is helping. Such a sweet boy. He deserves the best in life!!!!!

Stinky Scalp Syndrome…It's a thing

  Ever since we brought Jon home he has had a distinctive 'smell' about him. It ranges from mildly annoying to downright nasty stank. I would smell him (usually the top of his head) and immediately haul him off for a bath or shower. I would scrub him and scrub him but he would still smell when he dried off. It would be better, but the smell was still there. I chalked it up to some sort of weird body chemistry, switched him to men's deodorant shampoo/body wash and kept on scrubbing him. I have even been known to spray his hair with Febreeze (desperate times folks) when we were on our way to church/etc and he was especially odiferous.
  Then one day I began googling 'stinky kid', 'stinky head' and 'my kid smells bad'. This is where I found out that there is actually something called Stinky Scalp Syndrome. It is believed to be an overgrowth of the wrong kinds of bacteria/fungus on the scalp. Normal washing does not remove the bacteria/fungus, it just rinses away some of the stinky residue. The noxious organisms continue to cling to the hair strands and scalp and quickly begin churning out their toxic funk again. So now I knew why this poor child was so smelly and why my efforts to keep him clean were not working.
  The next step was how to treat the scalp? I saw many posts of people being given antibiotic and anti-fungal lotions, potions, rinses, etc. Every single person reported a temporary improvement followed by reoccurrence of the smells, even with continued treatment in some cases. Some of these treatments had some very unpleasant side affects, too, like burning skin, intense itching, dry flaking scalp, etc. That didn't sound like what I wanted to put on my young son's head. I kept searching but didn't really find what I was looking for, so I turned to my knowledge of science and the steps we take to keep bacteria and fungi from contaminating our work. It seemed to me that some of the solutions we used were antibacterial/antifungal and also safe on the skin. Aha! I was onto something.
  I ended up using liquid Lysol in a mild solution. I dampen his head, rub it in and let it sit until it dries. Then he showers. At first I used it three days in a row with amazing results. He smelled clean. Then I went to once a week and he stayed clean smelling. I still thought that was a bit much, so now he gets a treatment about once a month. I am happy to report he has had no side effects and he smells great!
  Note, I am not endorsing using Lysol or any other product on your child or on yourself. This is definitely not a recommended use for their product. I am simply reporting what worked for us after many other things failed. Use at your own risk!

Keeping them Active

Here is the thing. My boys love their computers and gaming devices. They would quite happily sit in front of a screen all day long working out only their fingers. A little screen time is great, but too much is a bad, bad thing. We strive to find lots of active things for them to do. We have a trampoline, acres of land, 4 wheelers, a horse, and a pond. Still, when it is summer in south Texas it is hard to find outdoor activities that won't kill you with the heat.What is a good thing to do? Swimming! We are putting in a pool. It is 16 feet wide by 41 feet long and goes from 3 ft to 9 ft deep. We didn't out in a spa because the thought of crawling into a hot tub in 100 degree heat was a negative. Here are some progress photos. It just completed filling with water yesterday so I will update photos for you.

 Oh that red Texas clay. This was a hard dig for the guys.

Nice and deep.

Did you know you can order a case of silly string off of Amazon? Yep, you can!

As summer wound down….

  I used to think I was a pretty good Mom. My kids hit all the milestones ahead of schedule. They grew and thrived and had good manners in public. I made the critical mistake of patting myself on the back. Rookie error. Or maybe girls are just easier for a Mom. Whatever the reason, I have come to realize that  I am not so much a good Mom, as a Mom who has learned serious survival skills. Let me tell you a few stories from this summer with …..The Boyz. (Play scary music)

  Someone, who appears to be named "Not Me" cut the electrical cord to my exercise bike's display panel. With toe nail clippers.

  I found a toad in my kitchen, just hopping along and looking like he was completely confused. (Can a toad look confused?)

  Someone cut a hole in a brand new shirt the very first time it was worn. Why? Well heck, why not? Here are scissors, whatever can I do with them? Aha! I shall try them on my shirt! Genius, I tell you!!!

  There are chips under the couch, licorice behind the TV, juice bags on the stairs, a banana in a dresser drawer, chicken bones in a bedroom, and little dirty handprints 7 feet off the ground. I don't even WANT to know how those got there.

  One child cannot find his shoes. He has several pairs. He has worn shoes each and every day, but he CAN NOT find  his shoes. This is a daily occurrence and he blames……wait for it…………………Me. Of course. Because when he is asleep I wear his shoes and then hide them. I am just that mean. I think for the school year, since this is a re-occurring theme, I will get him a pair of pink ballet slippers so that on the days he cannot find his shoes he can wear those to school.

  One child wore his brand new school shoes to climb the giant dirt pile, after a rain. Nice.

  They ate an entire LARGE bag of chips in one day. For breakfast.

  Boyz. Pray for me…..

On My Last Nerve

  One child here is struggling mightily. He threw up at Open House (anxiety). He has lost his backpack. He forgot how to brush his teeth. He moans and whines and tantrums every day. He cannot find any shoes to wear. He is having potty problems (laundry has been very disgusting). He makes a horrible mess when he eats. He cut a hole in his shirt 'trying out' his new school scissors.

Hopefully as he settles into the new school year he will adjust and calm down. Until then, I am hanging on by my fingernails…..

We are considering moving him to the small private school I am teaching at this year. Can't decide if the small class size would be the answer to help him with his anxiety or if it would harm him in his social development. If we don't challenge him with new situations how will he ever develop the skills to deal with them? We can't keep him in a bubble but we don't want to send him over the edge either. Ugh, why does parenting have to be so hard????

Rebound, Fallout, Twerking RAD

  Like that title? That is my brain after spending 9 days slaving away pouring cement, etc in Costa Rica, only to return and immediately begin suffering from the intestinal equivalent of a tsunami. I no longer wish I would die and I have actually ventured out in public a little bit, so I must be getting better. I am not sure, though, since the fog in my brain is thick enough to block out all rational thought.

  Those of you with RADlets know the drill. Something changes, anxiety hits the roof and our special ones devolve into a grab bag of less-than-pleasing behaviors. In the past the change could be very minor and still elicit things such as shredding all food, nightmares, destruction of belongings, nasty temper tantrums and potty issues. (Remember the many weeks of poo? I do!) Over time it took larger and larger changes to set Jon off, and the fallout behaviors have become less and less destructive.

  So these past few weeks have been ALL change. First school let out, then my job changed, then off for a week of vacation, and a week after we returned Mommy took off for 9 days. Then Mommy gets laid out with a horrible case of the traveling ICK. Changes of global proportions. Anxiety inducing changes of epic proportions.

  How has Jon been? A little clingy, a little more mean to his brothers, and he tends to get into a cycle of anxiety where he has to make constant non-stop noise, whether he is talking, making sound effects or singing. That's it. Unless he is saving up something really big to hit me with down the road, I have gotten off very lightly. Extra hugs, re-direct the meaner behavior and remind him he is making noise, then engage him in a real conversation. Abso-freakin-lutely amazing!!!! He is going to make it! I see a "normal" kid. An active, smart NORMAL acting kid.

Halleluia…Halleleugia….Hallelughi.. aw heck. I can't spell it. Praise the LORD!

Now if I can just get him to pick up his dirty clothes….that would be a miracle. LOL!

Oh, by the way, I must have been gone a lot longer than I realized, because this is what I found when I returned.

Our trip, continued

The first few days of our trip were fine. We got along and worked together, but emotionally we still danced around each other. Both of us were a bit snappy and quick to see offense. Then one night we both blew. (I would love to say I was perfectly calm, but I cannot lie. My feelings were hurt and I was exhausted physically and emotionally) We finally went to bed but I slept little that night.

I spent the night praying and asking God to show me how to let this child of mine feel how much I loved her, how much she could trust me, how safe she is with me. About 4 am it came to me. Peace. At that point I knew what I needed to do. (I fixed this pic. I didn't realize I had made it too big and accidentally cut out Ashley. Don't read too much into that. It wasn't a subliminal Freudian moment…)

I had to let Ashley know that I was making every attempt to see things from her perspective. That it was okay the way she felt (even when I knew she didn't have all the facts). Her feelings were not wrong, they were legitimate. Instead of trying to show her why she was wrong because she didn't know everything, I just needed to validate her feelings. So I did. And we had the most wonderful discussion ever. She made the effort to see my perspective, too!

She is an awesome person. So intelligent, so loving, so empathetic. She is a very hard worker, too. I still think she is a very old soul in a young body. She just has an air about her that is other-wordly.

I know she loves me and she told me she thinks I am a great mother. We are just two very different personalities who went through a lot of pain in her first years. Hers was physical and mine was emotional. Do you know how hard it is to sit next to your tiny baby's hospital crib and hear the alarms go off and then stand out of the way why the staff works to get her breathing again? Do you know what it is like to hold her when they stick her tiny body over and over trying to get an IV line going, only to have the one they finally place in her scalp blow and create a huge goose egg? To hand off your little baby to strangers as they take her to the OR, all the time praying she is not scared and alone? She has every reason to blame me. I was the one constant when she was in pain. As hard as I tried I could not make the pain go away or comfort her enough.

She is an amazing person. I am blessed to be the one she calls Mom. I am equally blessed to be the one she blames. I want to be her soft place to fall, her rock, her anchor. No matter what, if she has pain in her life, I will be there, and she can blame it all on me. I will gladly do that for her!