Monday, April 11, 2011

Today was Hard

  As Essie says, kids 'no likey change'. This week will be all about change. New schedule. New sitter. New routine. Less Mom. I feel horrible about doing this to them and yet, I need this time, this training, this focus. I need to grow as a human being to enable me to be the best I can be for them. They don't understand this. I don't expect them to. Their world is narrow and focused on me. But if I cannot be the best I can be, I cannot be the best Mom I can be. That's my view of the situation.

  So this week I head off to expand my horizons, in a very meaningful way, and I leave behind the most important people in my life to fend for themselves for a few days. I feel so guilty, and yet I am so psyched. That makes me feel MORE guilty. Darn guilt. I live with it 24/7, in my dreams, under my skin, between my very cells. Guilt.

  Guilt arises from our desire to be perfect, to be better, to be the best. If we cannot meet the criteria, we feel guilty. So what in the world is a perfect Mom? Perfect to whom? Perfect how? When? In what way? Who defines perfect????? In all honesty, perfect is whatever we Are Not. It is something else we desire to be, to attain, to control, but it is not possible. Not in our minds, not in others minds, not anywhere. Perfect does not exist. Never, ever, not in a million years. No perfection.

  We need to give ourselves a break. We do the very best humanly possible. Better than most. Above the curve. Greater than the masses. We deal with the most challenging kids, the ones everyone else gives up on, the ones no one wants. We need to remind ourselves of that. Our bar is set way higher than the rest. We cannot judge ourselves by their standards. These are not ordinary days, lives or emotions.

  We need to be kind to ourselves. Nurture ourselves. Love ourselves. No one else understands. We need each other. I love you my friends.

It was a hard day.

2 comments:

ManyBlessings said...

((Big hugs mama))

Your doing the best you can. :)

Reba said...

Hugs to you. I had a hard day for different reasons, though a little boy didn't help out at all with his behavior. I have always been a perfectionist though I have tried to loosen up my expectations for myself. Not easy to do! I feel like a failure daily as a mom as I read the peppy facebook updates about perfect report cards and children doing amazing things. I am happy if we get through a day with no major tantrums (from kids or me :).