I had the most wonderful conversation with another Mom of children with issues. I first wrote 'adopted children' but since I know first hand not all children with issues or even RAD are adopted, I figured I would be more general/correct. Crystal, it was AWESOME talking to you. Her son and my son seem to be two peas in a pod, with many, many of the same behaviors, hang-ups and quirks.
One thing we both have dealt with is the overwhelming, suffocating 'love' these kids dish out. I don't want to seem ungrateful in any way. I am so very very glad that my son shows me affection. He might be in-securely attached but he does not hesitate to show his love. But.....sigh....he uses it as a way to manipulate. For instance, if another child says he loves me or stops for a hug, this child immediately is all over me, kissing my arms, back, shoulder, and declaring his love. If we are out anywhere, he will look up at me adoringly and loudly tell me, 'Mom, I love you', eliciting many awes from the people nearby. No matter what I am doing, and believe me there are very few boundaries he does not cross, if any, he will lay on me, rolling around and petting me, grab my face in his hands and tell me how much he loves me. The more involved I am with what I am doing, the more demanding of my attention he gets.
The most recent expression of this tenuous attachment is the use of Ma'am that the martial arts school teaches. They told the kids that they show respect by saying ma'am and sir and that they should always respect their parents. I thought that was an awesome idea, until it was put into hyper-drive. Do you know how annoying it gets to hear ma'am 200 times a day? And then to have the child also point out that they said ma'am and requires positive affirmation of their uber-awesome respect? How can something so respectful make my skin crawl? I am to the point I wish he went back to saying he hates me! (Not really......well, maybe slightly true)
I feel so guilty for letting this behavior bother me so much. I read about all these parents who would give their kidney to hear those words, even just once, and here I am COMPLAINING! What an un-grateful slug I am!!!! (Note: he just came over while I am typing to squeeze my face in his hands, kiss me and let me know he loves me) Please feel free to hurl rotten fruit in my direction......
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3 comments:
Not ungrateful at all. I have one of these too and it DRIVES ME NUTS! While the rest of the world may look on in addoration, I know it's nothing more than a defense mechanism. The more insecure they feel, the more they pile it on. It's manipulation and superficial charm.
Bug is like this too!!! Drives me nuts- he usually amps it up when he is watching TV- his choice of shows, which I then politely ask if it is ok to be on the couch next to him doing things on my computer. Suddenly, I am the most desired object in his world.
we have had more than a few discussions on boundaries and the fact that he said I could work on my computer.
All manipulation to the max.
Love and hugs,
deb
Years ago, a good friend with bio, neurotypical kids had the "Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!" issue with one of her kids. She told him her name was no longer "Mom." For at least the one day, her name was going to be "O Most Wonderful Woman." She figured (1) It was something she could enjoy hearing and (2) with more words, he couldn't say it as often!!
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