Sunday, May 16, 2010

It always gets better

First, if you haven't seen Diana's post over at Gold to Refine, you have to jump over there and read it. It's called 'Parenting The Hulk' and it is pure genius. ( Seriously the best analogy of a RAD child I have ever seen, heard or read.

Now, for an update on us. Well, after the very-terrible, no-good, awful night the next day wasn't much better. I didn't get any rest and Ahren was still very unhappy. We got through it. I even tried Diana's suggestion of treating him like a baby but it only ticked him off more and he kept trying to bite the nipple off the bottle. By bedtime he was doing somewhat better and fell asleep easily. he only woke up screaming a few times and was easily lulled back to sleep. I got a little sleep too and I thought Friday was going to be much better.

Friday dawned and as usual I am busy getting kids out of bed, dressed, fed, teeth brushed and backpacks checked. Ahren started out OK but right before we needed to load up to drop the other kids at school he completely lost it again. I can't remember even what set him off. I probably breathed or something. Anyway, I couldn't get him calmed down and into the van. My hands were shaking, my head was pounding and everyone was going to be late for school. I did the only thing i knew to do. I called for help. I called.........his Dad. And I told him his father was coming home to spend the day with him because he was so out of control.

It was magic. The screaming stopped, he put on his shoes and climbed into the van. He was quiet until after I dropped off the other kids. Then, in the most pitiful, tiny voice he asked if I was leaving him. I told him I was not, that I would also be home, but that Daddy would be in charge of him for the day. I was tired of getting hit and kicked and pinched and I wasn't going to put up with it today. I love him so much that it really hurts my heart that he treats me like that, so I was going to have Daddy take care of him for the day. I was going to work on other things.

As expected, he was perfectly well behaved for his daddy all day and has been mostly perfect ever since. They enjoyed a very quiet restful day while I worked outside. It helped reset his attitude and mine too. (I love the outdoors)

Here is another thing I don't think some of my friends and family get. My kids love to have fun and go to parties but the cost to them later is huge. They look just like everyone else's kids running and playing and eating cake, but later that night it is a disaster. Not all the time but enough of the time that it makes it not worth having fun to pay that price later. In the past three weeks we have been invited to three birthday parties. We attended one. I feel bad about not showing up for our friends and their kids, but honestly it is about survival sometimes.

My in-laws are coming to visit. I adore them, think so highly of them and really look forward to their visits. I also live in fear someone will go all freaky-deaky while they are here and they will think we are crazy for caring for these boys. Hopefully, like most times we have company, they can hold it together while they are here and fall apart afterwards. I can deal with the freaky-deaky, no one else should have to. It's not like I can take them to the barn while they scream.....or can I?????


Diana said...

You rock, girlfriend! Sorry things have been rough with Ahren. It is amazing what these kids can come up with sometimes and how LONG they can carry it. Good for you for calling in reinforcements, too. Daddy gets almost as much of it as I do around here, so we don't get the behavior light switch. BUT, we do get to spell the other off and the kid gets a change of scenery which is usually enough to dispell the tension of the moment. Don't ever forget that it's NOT about you, though. Not taking it personally goes a long way in being able to endure.

Hey, I have to tell you a cool story about the Hulk analogy, though. This one just happened at church today. My little darling decided to start into Hulk mode during our congregational service. I picked him up, marched right out, found an empty room, and then gave him permission to blow a gasket. He didn't blow too much. But, he did do plenty of Hulking. I worked really hard not to take his negative bait, despite his efforts. I just sat there and acted like I was taking a nap. He eventually gave up and came and sat back down by me all on his own and de-escallated.

As soon as he was ready, we decided to go back out and listen to the rest of the service. Except the halls were full of people just chit-chatting, etc. So, we just stayed by ourselves by the door of the room we'd just been in. He was still WAY too fragile to be reintegrated to society.

As we were standing there, a lady came up to us and started touching Matthew. This is someone who's been offended in the past regarding the restrictions we have in place (no treats, no treats, no affection.) She once again forgot those restrictions...not deliberately...she was just really trying to be gentle and friendly.

Because the Hulk was still remorphing at the time, though, I had to stop her and ask her not to touch him. And then inspiration struck. Pure inspiration!

I asked her if she remembered the Incredible Hulk. She did. I then said "yah, that's him!" I then explained that he was still in the process of remporphing and it is very scary to him when other people touch him. I picked up my son so he'd be more at eye level with her and introduced him to this lady. He was visibly shaken and visibly scared and was cowering into me. I then introduced my son to her. "This is so and so. She's Amanda's teacher. She really is a nice person. She didn't mean to scare you by touching you." This REALLY got her attention! For the first time, she SAW the very real fear in my son's face and she said to him "Oh, my goodness. No, I didn't mean to scare you!" Score!

Anonymous said...

What do you make of the falling apart after fun? My daughter does this as well.


Dana said...

You are incredible, darling sis. My heart aches for you and these tough times. I love you so and wish I could just get you some sleep.