Breathless

  I was sitting on the couch last night, tired from a long day of kid-wrangling and Mommy duties when it suddenly hit me like a ton of bricks. I will never see my daughter again. In fact, she will never be my daughter. I felt like the breath had been knocked out of me. Whoosh. Deflated. Flattened. I thought I was ok with it. I mean, it's been 6 1/2 years of waiting, not like I haven't had time to contemplate a poor outcome. So why does it surprise me? Ugh. Stupid hopeful heart.
  So now what? I don't know. I dreamed we had a little girl, about 2 years old, who was clearly Asian. Her name was Lily in my dream. Tiny and doll-like, I held her close and smelled the scent of her silky hair. Is this a message from God or just my over active mind entertaining me in my sleep? We are not spring chickens any more.  Soon we will be seeing kids graduating from college, getting married and having grandchildren. I am excited for that phase of our lives but I am not sure I am ready for this phase to be over. I am not good at big transitions and yet I crave challenges in life. Clearly I am insane! But......isn't one insane Mama better than none?