Monday, June 17, 2013

Overwhelming Year

  The past year, well 9 months specifically, have been pretty rough on me. Trying to finalize Seth/Jonathan's adoption presented many challenges. Apparently opening your home to a child whose previous family wants you to parent him, a child who wants to be in your home, and a child whom CPS feels is best placed with you presents problems to our legal system. I had called lawyer after lawyer and gotten all kinds of run-around. Some wanted to go all the way back to his biological parents and have them relinquish their rights again, even though they had done that years ago. We ended up having two attorneys, a new complete home study in addition to our original updated home study, new background checks at the local, state and federal level, the blessings of CPS and the amicus, and a nice fat chunk of money.
  Then there was the whole "wah I hurt my hand opening a jar of jelly" which resulted in surgery, months in a cast and brace, a nice infection, and thousands of dollars in medical bills. Not to mention the frustration of trying to do everything I needed to do with only one hand. Oh, and those background checks required fingerprints which had to wait until my thumb wasn't tightly secured in a cast. Geeesh.
  Add in graduate school, a very accelerated course in Clinical Research Administration, finishing in 9 months (I have two weeks left!) I had to give up a lot of things to accomplish this goal. Sleep, socializing, sleep. I put a huge amount of effort into school and I am carrying a 4.0 GPA. I am positioning myself to land the job I want. Not the job that is available or easy, the best job.
  Then there are three of us paying college tuition right now, me, Kaytee and Ashley. Not cheap! Financial strain is always hard. And as much joy it filled me with to see my precious Ashley walk across that stage, decked out in honors and awards, it was still emotionally hard. My baybeee!!! Now she is off to start college in a couple of weeks and it scares them rap,out of me. Letting the baby bird step,out of the nest with no net below them. That is the single hardest thing I have had to do as a parent. Let....go........
  It's the latest losses that seem to have tipped me over the edge. Blaine's senseless death. I watch the other young adults move on with their lives and I think about him. Sweet, angry, teddy bear boy. He is really gone. My heart just keeps breaking for him.
  And the ultimate loss. My sweet baby girl. I have such a clear image of her pinned to her hospital bed, her little legs curled inward, her eyes dim and her tiny body in pain. I can still remember the moment the doctor popped the x-ray onto the light box and I saw the crack across her skull, suddenly realizing what had happened. Someone had beaten her nearly to death. Starved her, neglected her and nearly killed her. I spent weeks holding her, feeding her, loving her back to health. I now know that God only meant for me to save her, not to mother her and it hurts so badly. Wy not me? Why can't I be her Mama. Didn't I do everything I needed to do. Everything I was supposed to do? Why not me? I will never understand but I will get peace. It comes in little waves.
  So this has been rough. I know others have had it worse and I feel for them. (Deon, I am praying for you!) right now I am picking up the pieces, re-aligning my goals and making some decisions. Time to focus on tomorrow, not yesterday, not on what-if. Time to create some new areas of focus.
  But....I might need to hide under my rock for a while longer.......


Reba said...

You have had a rough year. I didn't even realize all that you had been dealing with. I know that my heart is still broken over PBJ, so I can only imagine what yours feels like. :( I don't blame you for wanting a little break before continuing on with life...hugs to you!

Deon said...

Girlfriend, you and I need to get together SOON for a drink! You truly amaze me with all you have done since you and Chris married. You are such a strong, brave, compassionate woman with a heart the size of Texas, and I am so honored to call you my friend. Keep the faith, as I am struggling to. I know only He can ultimately guide us through these trials. Love ya girl!!