Thursday, April 01, 2010

Oh Internets, Help Me?

I have an issue with Little S that has stumped me. Everything I have tried is not working. It's pretty sensitive and somewhat embarrassing, but I need help!

Little S is fixated on behinds. Nakey butts. Bohonkuses. He talks about them. (I say 'No bathroom talk!') He drops his pants and shows his bottom to others (Oh no you don't!). He taunts and teases, showing his behind. (He is told NO very firmly) He touches and pats and punches and slaps my behind constantly. I tell him how much I do not like it. I tell him over and over again. It makes me uncomfortable. But the worst? He wants to rub his behind on me. It seems he does this mostly when he is trying to get my attention. I hate it! He knows I hate it. He still does it. Maybe just BECAUSE he knows it bothers me.

How do I deal with this? Help!


Deb said...

Oh he found the button. No advice here, I have one who likes to rub my boobs or pat me so hard he leaves a mark. Maybe it is boy thing?

if oyu get answers, please let me know. Sending you positive thoughts and prayers.

Love and hugs,

Diana said...

You're probably not going to like my answer. But, since it is what it is and is so common with our hurt kids, I'm going to put it out there. While SOME behavior like this can be normal for little boys, a child who's been hurt will go WAY over the top with it (more than just potty talk or showing off the top of his cheeks and crack.) When it becomes obsessive, repeated, escalates in spite of or because of attempted correction, or goes beyond "normal boy stuff", it's time to take a hard look at what may likely be driving it.

Unfortuantely, this type of behavior, often referred to as sexual reactivity, can be (and often is) indicitive of previous sexual abuse. Ouch. Don't ignore the possibility of it, even if you may have been told it never happened.

#1 thing to do - keep both him and the other kids safe. Watch S like a hawk and don't let him play unsupervised with the other two little ones. Watch out especially for things like wrestling, hiding games, etc. If he shares a room with someone, take extra precautions. This type of behavior is most likely to happen when kids are alone and when the kid displaying the behavior is stressed, anxious, or overwhelmed...which often happens when they're unsupervised, playing too hard, or in dark or secret places. NEVER let him go into the bathroom with other kids or allow them to go in with him, either.

2- check and see if there are any resources in your community for child victims of sexual abuse. They often teach safety classes for victims and their siblings about safe touch. They're an excellent resource if they're available. Look in your yellow pages under sexual abuse, abuse, child abuse, or other such lovely topics. You'll likely find something. Any therapist or CPS worker should know if there's anything like that avialable as well. So will your local police department.

3- Take the power out of it. If he wants to show his butt, calmly and sweetly help him do it. "S, I can see you really like to show your bum. You do have a cute little bum. So, today I'm going to help you show it off." And with that, S loses his pants and his underwear for the afternoon and then proceeds to spend the majority of it in "time in" with you. He most likely won't like this AT ALL - the time in or being pantsless! Do it anyway.

5- Keep talking about it. Talk about butts and private parts. Make a few butt and poop jokes yourself. Talk about what makes them funny and what makes them gross or private. Talk about them not being dirty. Talk about using our private parts as weapons to hurt or shock other people and how this isn't ok. Talk about the butt being the gluteous maximus muscle that supports our backs and makes our legs work. Talk about it feels to walk around with no pants. Talk about why we wear pants. Talk about why it's not ok to show our private parts to other people. Talk about why we don't let anyone touch our privates and why we don't touch others. Talk about what is and isn't appropriate to do with our private parts (defined as anything that would normally be covered by a swimsuit or underwear - bras included.) Talk about everything and then keep on talking about it.

No matter what you do, set very clear boundaries about what is and isn't acceptable and lovingly enforce them over and over and over and over and over again.

Diana said...

don't know where #4 went and I don't remember what it was, either. Most likely it was combined with something else...

BT said...

I'm with Diana, and she's said it all really well.

Regarding Diana's #3: Lisa over at Life in the Grateful House has posted about "prescribed fits." At our house, we have prescribed lots of negative behaviours. Diana's #3 is an application of prescribing the behaviour. It totally removes the child's power/choice over the behaviour. Doing it in combination with time in should be very powerful for you. I agree with Diana that Little S will probably hate it.