My Little Thug

Hide your kids, hide your wife. You are sooo dumb.

(If you don't know what that means, go to You Tube and type it in then watch the video)

OK, the real story is we were shoe shopping and Ahren put the little sock thing on his head. Kaytee then showed him how to pose like a gangster. We had to leave without shoes because we were all laughing so hard.

Amazing Day

Yesterday was an absolutely, amazingly, wonderful day! Levi had been nursing a cold all week and yesterday morning he woke up with a slight fever and a sore (looked red) throat, so I let him stay home. I let the boys laze around and eat a late breakfast, we played on the computer, we did Yoga together, and they had a dinner of appetizers and root beer (they love this meal). There was not one time out all day. Not one fight between boys. Not one bathroom 'accident' all day. I got all the laundry done, the laundry room re-organized and floors swept and mopped. By the time Chris got home all 3 boys had had haircuts and were in the tub playing and dinner was in the oven.

I was so relaxed all day and I'm sure that was a big part of why it went so well. Oh how my little ones feed off of negative energy. No matter how hard I tried to fake it, they felt it and reacted poorly. They all slept in this morning, the two little guys slept 11 hours straight and Levi is still asleep. Heck, I slept really great!

Here's to the hardest most rewarding job in the whole world - Stay at home Mom!

Surprises

Today someone handed me a huge gift. It didn't come wrapped in pretty paper and it didn't have a bow on top, but it was a gift none the less. It was the gift of my freedom, my sanity and my time back to me. The person who handed me this gift had no idea what he was really giving me. His view of this was that it was not a gift at all, but he was wrong. Today I became an unemployed, much happier, stay-at-home Mom. I was upset briefly, and then I realized that I finally got what I wanted. Wow! That revelation was huge. Even better was the looks on my boy's faces when I told them.

One of the reasons I am so relieved about this turn of events is that Ashley is quite sick. I didn't really spell out anything in particular when she was in the hospital in December. I was trying to respect the privacy of my 16 year old daughter. Apparently she has interpreted this as me not loving her! I have ignored her issues here on the blog, but only out of the best of intentions. So here is a synopsis of what my sweet girl is going through.

Years ago we discovered that Ashley inherited a hypothyroid disease that is auto-immune in origin. Her body was attacking her thyroid hormones, causing her thyroid to continually work harder and harder to make enough hormone to be effective. Her thyroid was enlarged and had many nodules in it. With several years of therapy with synthetic hormone, her thyroid returned to normal size and the nodules disappeared. My mother and sister both have this condition and because they did not receive enough therapy early enough, both have had to have their thyroids removed completely. In my sister's case, because her thyroid had worked so hard for so long and become so enlarged it had actually become cancerous. Luckily they got it all and she is cancer free.

Back to Ashley. Ashley is very bad at taking her medicine regularly. Her father, whom she lives with, counts out the meds and puts them in a weekly pill box, but heck if that child can remember to take them. She has been known to forget them three days in a row and then take all the forgotten pills at once. Her med levels were way out of control. A very, very bad thing for a hormone that controls so many other bodily functions. Over the holidays we got her re-regulated and onto a new med regimen.

Then last week, her joints all began to swell, her muscles ached, her skin got tight and unbelievably her skin began to turn blue in big patches. She saw the doctor immediately, but he had no clue. They sent her to the ER but they had no clue. They put her on pain meds and steroids and said to come back if it didn't get better. Her dad took her to another doctor who immediately thought 'auto-immune'. This doctor did a ton of blood work and is of the opinion that Ashley has Lupus. The tests should come back tomorrow.

So not only is Seth a handful of RAD and Ahren is a medical mystery, Ashley is facing a life long debilitating disease. My heart is breaking for her. You know, if I wasn't the one living my life, I would seriously think that I was making up this stuff just to get attention. Ask anyone who knows me in real life, this is all true. Unfortunately, all true.

Our Day at the Hospital

Let me start by saying I am exhausted. I didn't sleep well last night, just too many thoughts crashing around in my brain. There was a lot of confusion over what Ahren was really going to have done and that makes me nervous. My main goal was to get All the info we needed in One trip with the minimum of UPSET to Ahren.

Our day started very early as Ahren and I got showers, dressed and bags of toys and food packed. He couldn't eat or drink from the night before so I knew by the time he was done he would be starving. Into his lunchbox went a ham and cheese sandwich, chips, brownies and 3 fruit juice boxes. My bag held knitting, my e-book reader and my Zune. We brushed teeth (don't swallow the water!) got ready and hit the road by 7:30am.

We traveled a total of 170 miles today. The only part that was hairy was the last few minutes trying to find the right entrance to the hospital. Downtown Houston is a mess of one-way streets and construction. The GPS helped, but it was still terribly stressful.

Let me say that everyone at Herman Memorial Children's Hospital was AWESOME. They sent us a Child Life worker who entertained Ahren for hours. She told him what to expect, showed him pictures and played games with him. She was adorable and Ahren fell madly in love with Miss Kelly. Heck, he wanted her instead of me at times! What a flirt.

They didn't have scrubs small enough for Ahren so they gave him a big scrub shirt he wore like a dress. Let's just say that lots and lots of folks saw his underpants today. No modesty here!

We tried three times to get the images. There were hours of screaming, lots of crying (me and him) many people involved and finally an anesthesiologist who knocked him out cold. Of course he went out while playing his DS. True to form.

Unfortunately, because of all the meds he had on board it took him a very long time to wake up. Hours to be exact. They thought about keeping him overnight but finally he woke up and drank some juice and we were free. He is still 'drunken' and wobbly at almost eight tonight. We get the results in a few days.

Please think of us as we seek answers.

By the way, Mama is a wreck and fully anticipates a looooong nights sleep to recover.

The Big Day is Here

Tomorrow I head into downtown Houston (Oh please GPS lady, be kind) to take Ahren for his big MRI. We have to be there at 9:30 and the MRI is to start at 11:00am. No food or drink for my boy! If it really takes the full 4-5 hours they estimated, that is going to be one grouchy, hungry boy when he wakes up. I will have a cooler in the car with sandwiches, drinks and snacks for the drive home. Ahren has not woken up from anesthesia well yet. He is very combative and ticked off. Oh joy. Maybe this time, since he won't be in pain, will be better.

Wish us luck and many answers. We need it!

An Ode to Poo

Little Poo, oh little Poo, you drive me so crazy,

When little boys don't wipe themselves because they are too lazy.

Little Poo, Oh little Poo, you really are so stinky,

Slipping down the stairs with ease as though you are a slinky.

Little Poo, oh little Poo, you fill me full of hate,

What made you want to slime the handle to the backyard gate.

(And WHYYYYY did I grab it before looking?)

Little poo, oh little Poo, falling out of pants,

You make me want to scream and yell and come up with new rants.

Little Poo, oh little Poo you're really gonna kill me,

Searching for you in hidden spots just does not fulfill me.

Little Poo, oh little Poo, dried all over a hiney,

I have to scrub and scrub with soap to make it all shiney.

Little Poo, oh little Poo, caked up someone's back,

Please oh please leave me alone, I swear I'm gonna crack!

Little Poo oh little Poo, smeared across a seat,

I give, I give, you can stop it now, you clearly have me beat.

Brought to you by Clorox wipes and bleach and one disgusted mama.

Catching up with pictures

It suddenly dawned on me yesterday that I had not downloaded pics from my camera in a while. Imagine my surprise when I discovered almost 200 shots dating back to before Christmas. Gee, Wendy, way to stay on top of things! LOL! That's me. I live on the proverbial rode to hell, full of good intentions but always a little short. So here is my first attempt at catching up. It will take several posts but i will get it done. Eventually.....

Christmas Eve, three little boys scrubbed clean, dressed in holidays jammies and so excited. Note the steri-strip on Seths forehead. It's the result of boy versus yo-yo. Don't worry, the yo-yo was OK.

Seth got a DS which was his #1 request. We immediately put a clear protective case and screen cover on it. Maybe this way when he drops it 4 thousand times it might survive.
We dragged the presents out over 2 days. The final opening was all the wrapped gifts under the tree from family. We waited until Kaytee and Ashley got here from their Dad's house so it was afternoon by the time this even began. We always open only one present at a time so everyone else can see what they got and say thanks to the giver appropriately. With seven people this takes a looong time and creates a lot of mess.

The day was quite festive. And silly. Isn't he just beeeyoootiful!

By the time each child got gifts from Mom and Dad, brothers and sisters and grandparents, the pile was quite large. This year, to help teach the lesson of giving, each boy got to go to the store alone with me one afternoon and pick out small gifts for all of their siblings. (<$5) Then they got to get a special treat to eat with mommy and then we came home and wrapped their gifts together. It was really special and a tradition I want to continue. Santa brought new bicycles fro all three boys and several group gifts. Some were big hits, like the standing punching bag set. Others, like the candy crane game below, are now stashed in the back of a closet. The kids LOVE this game, but it plays loud obnoxious music that gets faster and faster as they try and snare candy. Then the boys figured out they didn't have to play the game, they could just pull off the access panel and grab out the candy. By the time we figured out what they were doing Seth had eaten literally 30 pieces of candy, hiding the wrappers all over the place.
Even Jingles got a little gift. I knit him a little scarf to help him stay warm on his trips back and forth to Santa. He was very appreciative.
Levi got two more books in the Wimpy Kid series and was so excited. He is reading at a 5th grade level and loves to read. These are his favorite books. We will often find him curled up in a chair reading a book.
By the end of the day, as we were opening the last of the gifts, the excitement of the day got to be too much for Ahren. We actually had to wake him up to open his last present. Isn't that just the sweetest picture ever!
The last couple of weeks the weather here has been warm and wet. Not a good mix for letting three small boys work off energy outside. Every once in a while a Mama just has to let boys be boys. Notice they are barefooted. It was that warm and Mama did not want to have to clean up muddy shoes. Hah!

Boys or piggies?

After a good scrub in the shower (too dirty for a bath) we discovered they were actually boys again, not piggies. Levi kept trying to fool me and pull away his towel as I snapped this picture, but you know my horrible fear of toots. I just snapped and ran!

Seth's First Gotcha Day

Yesterday was Seth's first gotcha day with us. I can't believe a year has passed by so quickly. We have really made a ton of progress in that year. Don't get me wrong, there is still a lot of room for improvement, but things are so much better than they were 6 months ago.

We didn't tell Seth it was his special day. The thought of it would have been too much for him to be able to hold himself together all day. On top of that, the boys and I are all sick with a cold and we had a funeral to attend in the afternoon. Chris and I decided that I would stay home with the sick and grumpy crew and he would attend the funeral. Kaytee came to watch the boys while I grocery shopped.

When I walked in from shopping, I had balloons and a cake for Seth. That was 5 pm and that is the first he knew it was his special day. Even so, the rest of the evening was chaotic and less than celebratory. No one wanted to eat dinner or even sit still long enough for the rest of us to eat. Right after dinner we lit the candles, sang Happy Gotcha Day and ate cake. Jammies, a quiet movie and bed all came in swift succession.

Today I am paying for the celebration. Seth is out of control and that has the other two reacting in poor ways. Time out has been a revolving door all morning. There has been kicking, screaming, nasty trash talk and the breaking of things. We have had to put ice on one boo-boo when one child pushed over a wooden stool that hit another in the knee. Thank goodness I get to go to work for a few hours this afternoon. I am tired and still sick and not really up to the challenges today. I am not at my best therapeutic parenting. Today the idea of crates for kids sounds like a really good idea......or maybe duct tape. Just kidding! Tape leaves marks! Hahahahahahahahahah

OK, CPS worker, the last sentences above are purely comic relief, a tool we all use to de-stress when our kids are really wound up. Laughter helps everything, even our kids. They relax when we relax so we use whatever tools we have in our arsenals on these tough days. Laughter, lean on friends, blog our feelings and the occasional use of sarcasm. OK, more than occasional in my case. Heavy doses of sarcasm!

In which we account for body parts

If any of you know me in real life (IRL) you may have passed me in the car rider line in the mornings. Chances are I did not notice you, did not wave and most likely had a funny look on my face. Why, you may ask? Well, you see, the morning car ride to drop Levi off at school seems to be the perfect time for interesting discussions. Ahem, by interesting, I mean bizarre, random and frequently embarrassing.

Morning car ride discussions have revolved around Jesus, dead rabbits, bodily function noises, the Chik-Fil-A cow and many other things. It is amazing to me that three small boys can hold intense, in depth discussions about absolute garbage. Heck, they can argue a point that is so completely pointless that black holes are pointier!

Yesterday morning the discussion rose to a new level. Somehow the topic became 'who could shower with whom' in our family. Could Daddy shower with Levi? yes. Could Mommy? No. Could Seth shower with Ahren? Yes. Could mommy? No. I bet you see where this is going. I did too but was helpless to divert the discussion. The inevitable question of WHY came up. This is where Levi decided to impart his 7 year old wisdom upon his little brothers. Here is how that went........

Daddy has a toot (his word he named his personal boy parts many years ago) and I have a toot, but mommy doesn't have a toot. People who have a toot are boys and you can see each others because you already have one so it's no big deal to see them. Mommy doesn't have one so she gets to shower by herself. I think toots scare her.

So there you have it, straight from the horse's mouth. I get to shower alone. Yay me!

Offline and Off My Rocker

What could be worse than suddenly losing phone and internet service? That's where we have been all week. Two days without phone and 5 without DSL. No idea what knocked out the lines, just that they had technicians out here every day and described it as complex.

So what have y'all missed this past week? Ash got out of the hospital Saturday morning, a day earlier than predicted. She is feeling really great now. She will follow up with her doctors in Dallas on Monday. Leave it to Ashley to get so sick while vacationing in another city. LOL! Believe me, the coordination efforts to get info and insurance issues straightened out was daunting. Add in the fact we lost phone and internet access. Sweet. Don't worry, this Mama Bear was up to the challenge.

Ashley was hand picked for a special high-achieving student trip to Egypt this summer. Only a couple of kids from each high school in the area get picked. It's a super-duper culturally rich experience of a lifetime. Unfortunately, the price is prohibitive. Instead of Egypt this year, she is opting to go on next years trip to Rome. That gives us a year to save up and maybe I will be able to go with her. She was so sweet about it when I told her we couldn't afford it this year. We just had several thousand in unexpected medical fees and we need to get her a car soon too. I wish I could give her the moon, but at least I know we have given her a sense of values.

Seth is doing better than he has ever done. I don't know what the big change is, or why. It started a couple of days before Christmas. He has turned into a super sweet little love bug, full of smiles and hugs. No tantrums, no hitting, getting along wonderfully with his brothers. Unfortunately as Seth turned into a Prince, Ahren turned into an Ogre. He has been hitting, kicking and pulling hair. The only good thing I can say is that he has finally stopped getting up numerous times at night screaming. He might come into our room one time, get a hug and a kiss and then go back to bed by himself. I think it has helped that Buster has been sleeping with him and Seth. They love that and so does Buster.

They called this week to pre-test Ahren for the big MRI. Somehow they had it down that he would not need anesthesia, that they would just give him a little valium and he would hold still for 4-5 hours in the big scary loud MRI machine. Now let's all think on that one a bit. Umm, NO! Are they crazy? We will be asking for the anesthesia so we can get the results the first time. It's a light anesthesia and will insure we get the best possible results so we can move forward to getting an answer.

Last year at this time, Seth weighed 28 pounds and Ahren weighed 50 pounds. Yesterday when I weighed them, Seth weighed 37 pounds and Ahren weighed 42 pounds. Both have gotten taller but it is telling that Ahren has lost 8 pounds this year. He went from chubby sized jeans to slims. Seth went from 2T pants to 5T pants, still super slims. Does anyone know where you can get suspenders for small boys? All their pants keep falling down! LOL!

Today is the Birthday of my 'A' kids. Happy Birthday Ashley (16) and Ahren (5). Both of you are so very special and so much alike! How two kids born from different parents could be so much alike is beyond me. They look alike and they act alike. Both are prone to the drama. Ash used to crack us up as a baby because she would cry and place her hand, palm out, on her forehead as she wailed. We called her Camille. Ahren is the same. He will make himself cry and work so hard to squeeze out a single tear that he practically pops a blood vessel. Both would do anything to keep from having to pick up toys and both have claimed their legs were broken so they could get out of it. Both have a super sweet, gently nature underneath a sometimes silly sometimes prickly exterior. If I had a nickel for every time these two have lashed out at me and told me they hate me or I am mean....

I think that rounds up the major events here this week. Now we are off to the store to get a birthday cake and birthday dinner fixins.

A Hot Mess

It's pretty hectic around here. Each visit to the hospital for Ashley takes about 4-5 hours. That's a big chunk out of a busy Mama's day. Yesterday I started laundry and threw one load in the dryer and one in the washer as we headed out the door. When we got home later I found that the dryer had not run. All the clothes were still wet. Rats! So I turned it back on and then started dinner, etc.

While cooking, I kept smelling poop. Wafts here and there. Bleh! I couldn't find it, though. Looked and looked, but the smell seemed to be moving. Then Levi shouted out, it's Seth. He smells like poop! Chris went to check his pants and Seth lost it. Screaming and holding onto his pants. When Chris looked, he didn't even have on any underwear. Big Red Flag. I pulled his obviously poopy-smelling pants off and discovered a poopy smeared rear-end. He's crying hysterically by now, and I am doing my best to comfort him and tell him he is not in trouble. Then I started looking for his underwear. The first place I looked was in the boys bathroom where I found a toilet full of paper, wipes and poo. There was poop on the seat, the lid, the floor, the tp holder, and the side of the bath tub. Thank goodness for Clorox wipes and gloves! I got a bath running and soon had him soaking off the dried mess. Once he calmed down enough, I asked him where his underwear went. He said the laundry room. I looked but couldn't find them.

That's when I noticed that it smelled like warm poop and it hit me. The reason the dryer had stopped? Because a small boy threw his very poopy pants into there to hide them. I reached for the door and held my breath. OMG, it was NASTY! Warm poop all over. Gag! The now-dirty clothes went back into the washer with a hefty dose of disinfectant, and the poopy drawers went into a sealed bag and out to the trash. One small boy got scrubbed down twice and then rinsed well. Mommy cracked open a bottle of wine and served dinner to the fam. Just another day in paradise. Or should I say, Pooperdise!

The great GPS excursion

I have a love/hate relationship with our GPS. I truly and deeply HATE trying to find my way to a part of Houston that I have never been to before, especially if I have to be there at a certain time for an appointment. Houston, like most big cities, is criss-crossed with large highways, tollways and beltways. There is no direct route to anywhere. Add in the fact that there is a huge amount of traffic at all hours of the day and I get very anxious. Houston also has a strange system of 'feeder' roads. These are roads that run one-way along each side of the highway and provide access to the highway and surface streets. If you get off on the feeder heading south but the place you need to go is north of you, you travel south for a while, then cross over the highway and head back north and then cut off onto the surface streets to get to your destination. It's a lot of going around in circles.

So back to the GPS. Yesterday I had to be on the southwest side of Houston at 9:30 am. It was rush hour and raining. Chris programmed the GPS for me and I set off 90 minutes before the appointment. The sweet female voice on the GPS guided me here and there, over the river and through the woods, past a couple of the seven wonders of the world (if those include gang-infested slums) and eventually to travel completely around my destination, circling in closer and closer like a hyena. I love it when the GPS says 'Turn Now' and there is a building smack dab right there. Do you think the lady on the GPS is offended when I call her a blithering idiot?

I got there right on time, luckily. When I was done several hours later, I hit HOME on the GPS and pulled out of the parking lot. I am guessing the lady of the GPS was indeed offended because she then proceeded to take me on a highway treasure hunt. Her intentions were to get me on as many different highways in Houston as possible and still end up home and not in Canada. This woman? She is good. That's all I can say. Here are the roads I was on in the space of one trip to the city.

Hwy 149/249

Beltway 8

some mid-town tollway I had never heard of

I 59

I 610

Hwy 290

Sam Houston Tollway (which may actually be the same as one of the above, but heck if I know)

and a couple of connections called spurs, etc

And now I get to do it all again every day for 5 days. Ashley has been very sick and this is where they scheduled her treatments for 5 days in a row. I wonder if the GPS woman takes bribes....

The Miracles of Christmas

Unbelievably, the boys have had several really good days in a row. Wednesday we went to lunch with friends and all their kiddos and they all sat in their seats, played and laughed for 2 hours while us mama's chatted away. Then Thursday we went to lunch at Chris's office party and again they were all happy and well behaved. Yesterday was a very low-key day. We concentrated on traditional Christmas Eve stuff like hanging our stockings and putting out the snack for Santa. We went to the early kid-oriented church service and again, they were perfect. Seth was so cute. He kept looking at the clock and whispering to me that Jesus was almost here. He was so disappointed when I told him Jesus would not be making an appearance. We spent the car ride home talking about the real reason for the season and how Jesus lives inside of our hearts.

After we got home they all changed into their Christmas jammies and we had dinner. We were planning on fixing hot chocolate and driving around looking at lights but it started to storm so we opted to write letters thanking Santa and letting him know how much we love him. Then it was 3 boys tucked into bed and watching a Christmas movie. They all fell asleep pretty easily.

This morning we had to wake up the two little guys to start the festivities. Santa had indeed come during the night. I will have pictures and more details later, for now I am focusing on how well everyone is doing. We are dragging out the presents throughout the entire day. First was Santa, then later stockings, followed by breakfast, then presents from grand parents. Now we are playing with what they have opened so far. The rest of the presents have to wait until Kaytee and Ashley get here from their Dad's house. Miraculously, there has not been any whining and begging to open the rest of the gifts.

After we open gifts we are having a traditional Danish holiday meal then we are going to watch the new movie they got from Grandma and Grandpa J and then off to bed.

Why are my little guys doing so well? I honestly have no idea. I am not doing anything differently than I usually do. We are staying very close to home, keeping things as consistent as possible and trying to head off blow-ups whenever possible. It must be a Christmas miracle, that's all I can say.

And, for a true Christmas miracle, we got an e-mail from the US Government that on their recent trip to Guatemala to work with authorities there to try and complete all grandfathered adoption cases ours was still listed as open for Peri Brynn. We were told that in the fall of 2008our case was closed by PGN, but the other Guat agency that was created to do adoptions, the CNA, is the one that is working to complete all old cases and ours is one of them. I can't even type this without crying. I was in such a good place finally accepting she was not ours and now, do I dare to hope? Can I handle one more small child with serious issues? If, by some miracle, we get to bring her home, we will find a way to handle it and never look back.

What I think

I am not an expert on attachment issues. In fact, I don't think there are really any true experts out there. Instead, i think there are people who are experts in certain fields, like psychology or neurophysiology, and then there are parents who are experts in their own kids. My own experience is 16 years of parenting one and now three kids with attachment challenges, plus 25 years of scientific research in the medical field, including neurology and pharmacology. That makes me fully qualified to give absolutely NO advice to ANYONE. Hah!

Instead today I am going to talk about what I think, my opinions and my take on things from my perspective. Take it for what it is, just my thoughts. I spend a lot of time thinking about attachment, reading about attachment and trying to really understand attachment. I end up with more questions than answers. I have the feeling a lot of people end up in the same place.

First, I truly do believe that attachment issues fall into a broad spectrum. The inherant personality of the child, the collective experiences of the child, the family(s) the child has lived with, and the level of trauma a child has experienced all affect the attachment outcome. Now, for today's post, I am going to define 'trauma' as more than just leaving one loving family for another. All children in adoption have loss, but not all have experienced neglect, abuse, starvation, abandonment, etc. So I am categorizing loss separately from trauma. Why? because in Ahren's case, and in the case of my friend Deb's little guy Bug, they had wonderful loving foster families that did everything they could to help our kids have a healthy transition to their forever families. Our boys were the lucky ones, and yet they have trouble trusting and being securely attached. That is because of their loss. Very understandable.

Children who experience traumatic experiences on top of loss have much deeper issues, issues that include how they process things at a much deeper neurological level. Abuse and neglect permanently change who a person is, how they deal with the world around them, and how they relate to others. I truly believe that the more trauma a child experiences, and the longer they experience it makes their issues much greater and harder to repair.

I also believe that other issues complicate our children. Genetic predispositions and other organic diseases like ADHD, bipolar disorder, depression, sensory disorders, and many others add a layer of complexity to these kids. I like to relate it to Shrek and his 'onions have layers' analogy. These kids have layers, many many layers that we have to peel away slowly to find the truth in order to help them. Plus, the layers often co-mingle in the way they present to us, so figuring out what behavior comes from an organic cause (ADHD), a trauma cause (PTSD) or is simply the rather normal behavior of a 4-year old boy (ayy yie yie!) is almost impossible!

Now add in the fact that we cannot just love them back to health, that they work incredibly hard to push us away, annoy us, disgust us and push our buttons. They do this because they want to hurt us and push us away before they become attached to us, care too much and risk being hurt again. In my mind I know this, but 'feeling' it and acting on it while a child is screaming that he wants to kill you is something else. Also consider that this goes on 24/7/365 and no human being has the stamina to be at their best all the time. Parents of 'challenging' kids make mistakes, we slip up, we feel guilty, we beat ourselves up all the time. This is no sprint, this is an all-out Iron Man Triathalon of healing where our opponents continually beat us up (physically and emotionally). I guess I shouldn't liken our kids to opponents, what I mean is that their issues are our opponents. Our kids are the true winners and if they win, we all win.

Attachment problems are not adoption specific. Did you know that? A child who is very ill during the first two years of life can also develop attachment issues. That's what happened with my biological daughter Ashley. From her first days of life she struggled with food allergies, intestinal bleeding, life-threatening infections, surgeries, high fevers, etc. I could not comfort her adequately during that time. In her heart I failed her as a parent and she did not trust me. In fact, she spent a lot of energy punishing me in every way imagineable. Unfortunately I had never heard of attachment issues. I parented her from my gut and made many, many mistakes. It's a miracle she is such a great kid now. There have been so many nights I cried myself to sleep knowing in my heart I was failing her and not able to change that.

I have more to share, but need to go parent the kids bouncing off my walls this very moment. LOL!

Love our Pharmacy Tech!

Our pharmacy tech worked for over an hour to figure out why suddenly Medicaid denied Seth's medication. Bless his heart he figured it out and I was able to pick up the meds last night. Of course by then we had had one heck of a day, followed by a terrible bedtime and a horribly ugly morning before the meds kicked in. It's almost like now that the meds help him so much that without them he is ten times worse. Maybe that is just my imagination or maybe I am now used to the good behavior and didn't realize how bad it was.

I tried to go to sleep starting at 10pm, but could doze briefly and then would wake up and struggle to fall back asleep. It felt like my nerves had been rubbed raw by coarse sand paper. Every little sound and every little touch on my skin had me on high alert. I finally fell into a good sleep after 3 am, so I did get a few hours of rest. Today I am sluggish and dim-witted. Not the best scenario when trying to keep up with the kids all day.

I did finally get packages shipped to family and without paying an arm and a leg they should be there on Friday. I also got a box of hats that I knitted for charity finally shipped off to the wonderful lady who runs Sweet Hope, the awesome (candy and more) charity. Elle, I am SOOOO on the road to hell, what with all my good intentions. There are 24 hats winging there way to you as we speak. They are just a small thank you for all that you do!

I have a question for all of you with RAD kids on the lower ends of the spectrum. (I think kids with high levels of trauma need different approaches than those who are on the milder ends of RAD) Do you think that 'immersion therapy' works? As in, if we keep exposing them to normal social situations that eventually they will learn that things turn out OK and they stop freaking out? Can they be de-sensitized to the triggers? It's something I have been wondering about. Of course, each triggering event would have to be paired with lots of talk and re-assurances, lots of therapeutic moments, and lots of careful planning and consideration. But is it possible for the good memories to eventually outweigh the bad ones?????

Yikes!

Can't type for long. Small boys in uber-frenzy. Medicaid denied Seth's med refills so we are without the little magic pills. Still need to mail packages fro Christmas. Going to have to send them by teleporter to get them to arrive on time. Wonder what that's gonna cost. Two boys having a pee/poo fest. Poo on the toilet seat, on the floor, on someone's hands, in the underwear, pee on the floor, in the pants, in the bathtub, and probably quite a few places I haven't found and or smelt yet.

Yelp.

Mega Picture Post

Yesterday we had our annual children's holiday party at our house. Each year we have more kids and each year we do more activities as the kids are getting old enough to participate. I missed our company holiday dinner but since I had this scheduled long ago and it was at my house, I couldn't exactly cancel it. I wouldn't have survived the wrath of many small people.

The day before I got up super early and baked sugar cookies. I made them extra thick so that little hands would be less likely to break them while decorating.

Yesterday, we started off with Christmas Tree decorating. Our nanny Rhonda got these cute little foam-decorating kits for each kiddo. Super easy and non-messy. It was the perfect craft to kick off the party.
Little Miss Holly clapping for herself congratulating herself on her mad tree-decorating skillz.

Our smallest guest, Henry, cleaned up on hugs and kisses.

There was a bit of silliness, started by this boy. He gets that from his father.....
Holly followed suit with the silliness. Sorry Em, Levi taught her several silly things yesterday. She is now a budding class clown.....
Our original Nanny, who is nanny Rhonda's mother. She watches Holly and henry every day while Rhonda is in charge of the Terror Trio here. (Henry getting more snuggles)
Ahren shows off his finished tree. He did it mostly by himself and seems to have quite the artistic talents.

Levi gets his hands on Henry and gives him a squeeze.

Seth doing his best to annoy his sister. He kept leaning over and blowing on her face.
Holly announced she was a Princess and wore the tiara to decorate the gingerbread house. The boys listened to her instructions and did everything she said. That makes her a Magic Princess in my book!
Then we colored reindeer ornaments with washable markers. Again an easy and fun activity with very little mess factor. This is Ahren's ornament. He colored it all by himself and did a great job for a 4-year old.
Seth doesn't have the artistic talents so much, but what he lacks in artsy-ness he makes up for in energetic participation.
There was lots and lots of excitement. Everything occasionally got crazy, even Ahren's hair.
Levi and Kaytee getting in some hugs. These are two peas in a pod in every way.
Holly wanted to hang her ornament on our tree, but we convinced her to take it home for her own tree. (Yes, here eyes are really that shockingly blue)
Nanny couldn't help herself and had to 'touch up' Holly's ornament.
Such a sweet happy boy. Even though he is only 1 year old, he hung with us through the whole 4-hour party, smiling the entire time.
The completed Gingerbread house. We sent it home with Holly so she can nibble-nibble-nibble on it. We already have one for us.
Holly catching some snuggles with Kaytee. That seems to have been the theme of the day. Hugs and kisses!!!
We got pizza and made everyone eat before we started decorating cookies. We knew that there would be a large consumption of sweets during that activity and did our best to get some good food in their tummies first.
Holly really got 'into' her pizza. She won the prize for eating the most, three pieces of a medium pizza!
Next it was time for cookies. We had tons of sprinkles and frosting. It was a sugary free-for-all of the best sort. (Seth's shirt reads 'Santa it wasn't me')
Levi's first cookie is dedicated to Jesus Christ (That says JC on the cookie) Awwww......
Holly put a little frosting on a cookie, then ate a little frosting. Put a little candy on, then ate a little candy. Repeat, repeat, repeat. Nanny tried and tried to keep her hands clean but it was a losing battle. Rhonda and I just laughed at Nanny for even trying!
Ahren showing off his red tongue from licking his red frosting. He learned from Holly!
We gave Henry spoonfuls of white frosting and he ended up 'glazed' like a donut.
And then the silliness hit again. I am Mr. Mustachio and my side-kick Poncho.
And of course Miss Holly followed along. Thank goodness kids wash.
After clean-up it was time for presents. You can't have a party without presents!
Henry got the assist from Rhonda but did a lot of the tearing of paper himself.
And presents were followed by goodie bags. Rhonda helping Seth with his bag.

Overall it was a fantastic party. Seth really struggled and I will write more about that later. He even told me today that he had fun yesterday but that it was really hard for him.

Trying some new things

We have been on a super-organizing kick around here lately. I don't know if it is because we were finally fed up with all the chaos and mess or if we just needed to have control over something while we wait (not-so-patiently) for Ahren's tests and final diagnosis. Whatever the reason, we have grabbed the bull by the horns and tackled some big areas in our home.

First on the agenda was doing something with the entry area around the back door. We built in a little area that we call the mudroom, knowing that this would be our main entrance in and out of the house, to the garage, the barn and eventually the pool. We had a wire storage system in there, but it just didn't really do what we needed it to do. So we took it out and Chris designed and built this storage unit. It has a bench to sit on and take shoes/boots on and off, coat hooks for coats and hats, room underneath for the large plastic muddy shoe tub and the recycling tub, and shelves to hold various dog other stuff. I then bought a big storage container for the dog food (on the right side) and added a trash can. I can't believe the difference.

The other big (really, really big) project we tackled is what we are calling the 'community closet'. We cleaned out the bonus room off of our bedroom and moved the big wire rack storage system from the mudroom into there. Then I added 2 $30 rolling garment racks. Slowly I went through every boy's closet and dresser and packed away summer clothes, gave away small clothes and threw away trashed clothes. Then I got out all the winter clothes, washed them and organized them by size. The summer clothes went into plastic tubs and onto the top of the shelves. I moved a dresser in under the wire rack and filled it with winter pajamas.
I brought in small plastic tubs from the barn and used them to organize socks and underwear by size. Dressy clothes went on the rod up high so little persons could not pull them down and walk all over them. (This was a main reason to re-organize. The little guys were constantly pulling everything down or out of drawers and throwing them all over. I never knew what was clean or dirty and even the clean stuff was a mess) Every-day clothes and school clothes went onto the smaller racks organized by sizes. Next I need a show rack to fit into the spot next to the dresser. I also need to go through all of their toys and get rid of a ton, then put them into their clean closets. That gets a lot of clutter out of their rooms and gives them more space to play, and maybe less mess in the rest of the house.
Here is what the mountain of laundry looked like after I picked up all the clothes off their floors and collected all the winter clothes to wash. I almost turned around and ran away, but I didn't. The last load is now done and put away.
This next picture is for Kaytee. She bought this tiny pair of True religion jeans two years ago at a fraction of the normal price and has been waiting for the day Levi could wear them. Here you go, Kaytee, that is your stylin' Lil Bro heading off to school in his True religions.
You know, when you have so many already, what is one more? Meet Opal. She is a Euro Great Dane and will probably top out at over 150 pounds when full grown. At 8 weeks old she is already almost 30 pounds. She is the sweetest most affectionate little thing and very very smart. Because of her coloring the breeder could not sell her. The other pups in the litter went for $2000.00 each (no, that's not a typo) Opal was free. She is also not ours. She is our nanny's but comes to our house every day. She is too little to leave home by herself for the entire day, plus she needs socialization with kids and other dogs. Our Nanny is a very responsible pet owner and knows socialization is key. So for the time being we have a part-time puppy to go along with our 2 other puppies already in residence.
How can this be comfortable? I find the boys in the craziest sleep positions.