Worried Sick

I thought once we survived Spring break that everything would fall back into place and everything would be hunky-dory again. Instead, something worse is threatening to destroy us. Ahren is sick. With what? I wish I knew. Here is the background.

A few weeks ago I noticed that Ahren was drinking a lot. And with drinking a lot comes peeing a lot. At first i didn't think anything of it. Then we began struggling to contain his night-time pee. He sleeps hard, ten to twelve hours a night. He has never been consistently dry at night, so he has always slept in a pullup. Well, a pullup was nothing compared to the tide of pee. We stopped all liquids at dinner time, had him pee before bed, etc. We had to resort to a size 6 diaper with a super-maxi night-time feminine pad inside it, and a pullup over it. Only then did the sheets stay dry. That is a LOT of pee. As in abnormal amounts of pee!

So I called the doctor and they decided to do some blood work. (Remember the whole sausage stealing incident? That was the day they did his bloodwork) I got a call on Wednesday that the doctor needed to talk to me. I hadn't heard anything and I had assumed all was normal and not thought a bit about it. Now I was worried. Before the doc called me I went to their office and got a copy of the results. Not good. His kidneys are all out of whack, his glucose way too low, and a protein that should have been made by his muscles was really low. His urine also showed protein and ketones, signs his kidneys were damaged and his muscles starving.

Chris and I took him back yesterday. His urine was worse. He is spilling a large amount of protein (30 mg/dl, normal is zero, above 10 is serious) and ketones. It looked milky and smelled awful. We have 4 days of testing scheduled. He had ultrasounds of all the organs in his abdomen this morning. We will be doing lots more blood work and a 24-hour urine, rushing all the results back. Then we will be loading up all the results and heading to Texas Childrens for a consult with the nephrology department, the neurology department and possibly the endocrinology department.

Today he is lethargic. Spent 2 hours lying on the couch with a blanket before his ultrasound appointment. Had to carry him through the parking lot and then he just laid in the hospital bed while they did the extensive ultrasound tests. Now it's lunchtime and he is lying on a blanket on the floor. This is NOT like him. He is an active 4 year old boy! I have a call into the doctor.

Anyone out there have knowledge about kidneys and kidney failure in kids?????

Spring Break

Spring break just about killed me. Seriously. I feel like a wet puddle on the ground. It was through sheer will that I kept everyone held together for the week. Minor meltdowns aside, they all did pretty well, but it took an enormous amount of attention and energy. Big kids and little kids all had their moments. Heck, us adults had OUR moments! There were trips to the rodeo, concerts, bowling, friends who spent the night, shopping, dining and general frivolity. Maybe in there somewhere we made a few memories of the lovely kind.

Now I need a break from the break.....

Triggers and such

A couple of weeks ago I accidentally triggered Ahren. For those of you who don't know about triggers, they are something that causes a child to become disregulated. Often times they don't even know why or can't express why they begin to fall apart. It is something deep down in their subconscious that causes them to become extremely anxious, angry or out of control. They don't understand why they feel so awful and it makes it that much harder to deal with. They are scared but don't know why. It's a terrible feeling for them.

One of our favorite things to talk about in the car is how each child joined our family. Levi grew in my tummy, and they cut me open to pull him out, screaming and messy. Ahren came from Guatemala and Kaytee and Mommy went and brought him home on an airplane. Little S became ours when I heard about him and we went and picked him up at a store called Buckee's. We like to stress how special each way was, how each child is special and their story is unique to them.

We were talking about this and I mentioned that some day I wanted to take Ahren back to Guatemala so he could see where he came from. Poor baby misunderstood and thought I was taking him back....for good. leaving him there. He started to cry and tell me he wanted to stay in 'the yellow house' (our home). I immediately told him we would just be visiting because it is a great place to visit, we would stay in the hotel, swim in the pool (things he remembers) and then come home to our yellow house. He calmed down and I thought I had fixed it. Yeah, not so much.

That night, after he had fallen asleep, he started screaming. I went in to hold him. He wasn't really awake but he was talking and crying and screaming. He talked about the yellow house, and was crying for Mommy even though I was holding him. It took about 40 minutes to calm him down and get him back to sleep. Then every hour or so all night he would begin to thrash about, scream and fight, all while still asleep. I stayed with him all night, reassuring him, holding him and loving him. The next day I talked to him again and he seemed much happier. I made sure to reassure him all day that he was ours, we loved him and he was safe.

Poor baby. Something so innocent as the desire to share his wonderful birth country with him scared him to pieces. I really need to be more careful, but there are triggers and pitfalls everywhere. Maybe it's a good thing to work through them.

This week is also hard. Spring break. No familiar routine. Even fun things cause the anxieties to rise. It is a balancing act. I want to do fun things with them, but if we try and do too much no one ends up having a good time. Sigh. All I want is to enjoy our time as a family and that is so hard. Boring routine = good. Fun and surprises = bad. Sigh......

RAD-Lite

Little S came to us with a RAD diagnosis. Ahren, although not officially diagnosed, also seems to have many RAD symptoms, so I just assume he does and treat him accordingly. What I want to tell people, though, is that they seem to have a much lessened version of RAD than many parents face. The other families I know who have RAD kids truly have to deal with much, much more than we do. I want people to know that RAD is not always the 'worst-case-scenario' that many parents face. We are lucky. We seem to be experiencing RAD-Lite. I bow to those who are dealing with the truly rough stuff and I do not begin to compare myself to them. Instead I want to let you in on how our situation is going and what life is like around here.

First of all, if you put two 4-year old Rad-ish children in close proximity together, what you get is one big, long argument over nothing. I like fish, no you don't, yes I do, no you don't. That's my mountain, no it's not, yes it is, no it's not. You're a girl, no I'm not, yes you are, no I'm not. And on, and on, and on, and on.....24/7. They never stop. Punishment doesn't work. Diversion doesn't work. Incentives do not work. It is driven, like breathing. They cannot stop. It is enough to drive a person insane (insert screeching nails on a chalkboard).

There seems to be a competition between the two RAD-lings as to who gets the food. If one wants something the other immediately begins to beg for it or will stuff mass quantities of said food into their mouth, holding the rest in their hands. This is all calculated to prevent the other one from having any. This is at it's worst if I place the serving dish of food on the table family style. Picture a small child with 8 bites of sausage in their mouth and clutching 2-3 more sausages in their greasy hands. Ahren is way worse at this. Just as a note, he has never gone hungry. He had a wonderful foster family and he was fat, fat, fat. Very well fed. This is not a behavior from having suffered from hunger in the past. It is simply a controlling behavior. He wants it simply so someone else does not get it.

Ahren has rages, Little S whines. I haven't figured out which is worse yet. The rages used to be 3-4 times a day, and involved, hitting, kicking, spitting, biting, scratching, and lots of screaming. Now we might see 1-2 per week and they last minutes instead of hours. But the whining...oh lord the whining. Non-stop, every word out of his mouth, whining. It has gotten a lot better since we instituted the 'I cannot understand you, I don't speak whining'. If he whines, we do not answer him. Period. I will look at him and say 'What'? That is all. He was very frustrated at first but he is catching on now. He can actually re-phrase what he was saying in a normal voice most of the time. Whew! There isn't enough wine in the world to handle the whine.

Ahren pretends he cannot do anything for himself. He can't feed himself, he can't climb up on the potty, he can't pull his pants on, he can't reach his cup on the counter. Both here and at school we have instituted a 'you have to try first before anyone helps you' rule. It's working great. That and a little peer pressure! Little S on the other hand, will be totally capable of doing things and then suddenly 'forget' how to do them. One day he forgot how to drink from a cup. Amazing! I praised him for being able to drink yesterday and drinking all his milk and then told him I could SEE him growing bigger and Voila! Suddenly he knew how to drink from a cup again.

Little S is also extremely demanding of my attention any time I am busy with something else. He can be playing quite happily and I will start cooking and suddenly he needs me right now! His eye hurts, his feet hurt, he wants me to hold him, he needs a drink, he needs medicine, he needs, needs needs. I calmly talk to him, tell him what I am doing and explain that as soon as I accomplish 'X' I will tend to him. I keep talking so he knows he has my attention, but it isn't always enough. He is testing me. Making sure I am there for him. He only does this to me. Not his Dad and not Nanny. That's OK, he just needs me more. I can deal with that. (Someday he will be out on his own and not need me at all and I will look back on these days and be sad!)

There is a lot more. Silly, crazy, stupid little stuff. In and of itself, each thing is nothing, but the big picture tells it all. Still, we are so lucky. I guess what I am saying to all of you is don't be afraid of RAD. Don't be afraid to adopt an older child. Don't be afraid to love a child with some issues. The demands are great but the rewards are much greater. Each hug, each special moment, each hard-won improvement is so worth it. These are not throw-aways. These are children, little angels made by God. They just come with a few more flaws.

Man I love these boys!!!!!!

New design for the ol blog

Do you like the new look? I wish I could say I did it myself but heck no. The amazing, wonderful Nikki hooked a sister up. You can click on her button there on the right, Blogs for a Cause. She is inexpensive and very talented, and a pretty wonderful person too, if I do say so myself!

Cheerleading Banquet

Last night was the Cheerleading Banquet. This year is flying by so fast! Kaytee won Best Attitude. That's my girl!!!

Here is Kaytee with her date.

Kaytee with her best buddy Lauren. These girls are amazing. Beautiful, funny and so sweet. And those legs.....ugh. They should be illegal.
Kaytee and me. She is already quite a bit taller than me but the 4 inch heels just added insult to injury.
The seniors each got to make a speech. It was very emotional as they would thank their parents, coaches and friends for the journey they all followed together. Kaytee never cries, but she started sobbing when she got to her thanks for me. Of course that was all it took and I was sobbing too. In fact, there were not a lot of dry eyes in the house. Several other parents came up to her afterwards and told her how great her speech was.

An open letter to Mickey-D's fast food

Dear Mickey-D's,

This morning my son had to have a bunch of fasting blood work done. This is a hard thing for a barely-4 year old to handle and all he wanted as a reward for being so brave was breakfast at your establishment. We got there after the morning rush and the place was calm and quiet. We placed our order, hotcakes and sausage and then walked away with our tray. When we got to the table i realized that we didn't have silverware, butter, syrup or any sausage. Inside the container were two lonely hotcakes, nothing else.

I headed back up to the counter and explained to the girl what we were missing. She dug around for a while, dropped the syrup on the floor then picked it up and handed it to me with silverware and then just stood there. i reminded her we still needed sausage. That's when another girl stepped up and said we didn't pay for any sausage. I replied that we ordered sausage but never mind, could we get some now. She replied, "Well, you will have to pay for it." I respond in the affirmative, of course I will pay for it. She then reminds me again that I didn't pay for it.

I return to grab money from my purse and head back to the counter, feeling like I had just been accused of trying to steal a bleepin sausage. As I walk up to the counter the manager reaches out with a container and says, "Here M'am, no charge." Apparently he heard our exchange. I snapped though, and threw the two bucks on the counter and said, 'No one has ever accused me of stealing before and it's not about to happen now. Take the money". And I took the sausage and went and fed my son and we left.

So dearly beloved (by the small people) Mickey-D's, you can take your sausage and stuff it up Ronald's big red nose. We ordered breakfast, but we didn't get silverware, butter, syrup, sausage or respect. And in fact they over-charged for the two pancakes. In this economy you can bet that I carefully select how and where to spend my hard-earned money. That will be the last time we visit that particular restaurant.

Sincerely,

The suspected head of the local sausage-stealin ring

How to score on a Home Study

We have been in the adoption arena for many years and during that time we have learned a lot of things. One of the most stressful parts of an adoption is the home study. Here comes a total stranger to inspect your home and rate you as prospective parents. It is terrifying! Will they look in the closets? In the oven? Under your bed????? In my experience, the social workers were so nice and my anxiety was totally un-called for, but still, I stressed. Each and every time.

So here are my secrets to acing that most important interview. The home study.....

First, be sure your children are perfectly groomed. Not a hair out of place........

Have lots of inspirational signs all over the house. Shows them you have a great outlook on life.
Keep lots of healthy snacks in plain sight. Healthy food builds healthy kids ya know!!!!!
Show them that your childs health is first and foremost. Vitamins, minerals, immunity boosters and...um, Nestles Quik. Yeah, very important. Milk..makes a body good. Or something like that.
Make sure you have a really cool pet. Social workers love rodents. If not a rodent, be sure to have a big hairy tarantula or at least a poisonous snake.
There should always be some unexpected decorations in the house. Random rubber mice stuck to the ceiling are very good.
Have a really organized pantry, showing lots of healthy food. It is a huge bonus if you can have random religious material in amongst the food. (See the yellow cross? It says, 'To God, You are the Best".)
So follow our lead and you are sure to impress and even WOW that social worker with your awesomeness. Oh, and one more thing. Be sure to show them the un-flushed toilets so they know your children are regular!!! You can thank me now for no pictures.......

Go Texan Day

There is a tradition round these here parts that the week right before *Rodeo* begins all the school kids dress up like cowboys and cowgirls and have Go Texan Day. All week long they study about Texas, the history, the state bird/mammal/flowers, the map, etc. It's a big deal here.

So let me introduce you to the cowboys of the Jammin J Ranch.

Little S shows us his best gun battle pose. Draw mister!

Laughin Levi does a little cowboy runway pose. Hmm, too much time hanging around his sisters maybe? Or a future as a male model.....

And Adorable Ahren the silly smilin cowboy. He is the ladies man of the bunch, spending most of his time wooing the cowgirls.

Here is the whole Jammim J Ranch Gang, ready to round up those cows and lasso some pretty girls.

Had to add one more picture. Little Miss Holly, dressed in the finest ladies duds, stopped by for a little photo op this morning. Levi says he is going to marry her. Awww......
*Rodeo*: The Houston Livestock and Rodeo is a HUGE event and is known simply as Rodeo. In their minds, there is no other. They may be right!

Happy Anniversary My Sweetheart!

Eight years. It's been eight years! I love this man more today than I did when we said our vows. He is the salt of the earth, the kindest, most decent, caring person I have ever met. He makes me be a better person just by being around him. He is my heart, my soul, my world. My everything. I wanted to do a post listing 100 things I love about him, but i don't have a lot of time this morning. Here is a first stab at it:

1) His smile

2) His giving heart

3) he spoils me!

4) He laughs at my stupid jokes

5) he makes me laugh

6) He trusts easily and openly

7) he would give you the shirt off his back

8) he is a manly man

9) his butt

10) his patience

11) he is always calm

12) he loves everything I cook (or at least pretends to)

13) his quick wit

14) he is a great snuggler

15) he loves our kids with his whole heart

16) he is a fantastic father

17) he calls me every day

18) he is dependable

19) he tells me he loves me every day

20) he kisses me goodbye and hello every day

21) he loves wildlife

22) he is a friend to the end

23) he is very loyal

24) he fills my van up with gas

25) he holds the door for me

26) he puts up with my crazies

27) he is a great hugger

28) he has big strong hands

29) he is a homebody

30) he loves to read

More later.....

Weekend updates

We just got home from spending the middle of the day at 'The place where a kid can be a kid' and where parents lose their minds and money. You know the one, with the giant cartoon rat and rubber pizza? The boys had a ball and Kaytee came with me to help. (Bless that child, she VOLUNTEERED!) Everyone ate a ton of pizza which is unusual. they are usually too busy to stop and eat. Today they were begging me to buy more pizza. Go figure!

Now Kaytee is at a modeling class, the boys are watching a movie courtesy of netflix, and I am supposed to be cleaning. Oh well, those dust bunnies are awfully cute!

This has been a week of fears and tears. I am hesitant to say too much but things came up that made us fear that Little S would not get to stay with us. Luckily it is all working out. We love that little guy so much and I can't imagine having to let him go. It has only been a number of weeks but we have laid a firm foundation and are seeing improvements daily. He is turning out to be a happy, fun little boy whose greatest joys come from 'sitting in our laps and snuggling and playing with his brothers' (his exact words). We discovered that he has reflux and started him on a daily medicine and he has stopped throwing up and complaining of tummy aches. He is eating everything in sight and I had to move him up a size in pants. The old ones were too short and too tight! He is sleeping well although he has a habit of waking really early and then waking up the entire rest of the household, not by being bad but just by being so excited that he is very loud. He just can't wait for everyone else to get up.

Ahren is a hoot. He is the ultimate charmer, so beautiful and so ornery all at the same time. His biggest goal in life is to get someone else to do everything for him. He will tell me he can't put his shoes on because his legs are broken, that he is too tired, that his back hurts, anything he can think of. it is hilarious. It has been good for him that Little S has been here because the competition between them has actually spurred him on to do many more things for himself. He wants to keep up and that motivates him. He can now swing himself, something I had been trying to get him to do for ages. But Little S could do it and lo and behold, Ahren can too!

Levi is so sweet. If I say something about taking him to the store with me, he will ask if we can take the little boys with us too. He likes to buy them things if he grocery shops with me. He gets annoyed with them, totally normal, but he also looks out for them and takes care of them. One day they were outside playing and Little S came in without telling Levi. Levi couldn't find him and freaked out. He found him inside and gave him a big lecture on letting someone know where he is going. I don't ever expect Levi to be responsible for them, that's not his job. He just does it all on his own. He is the best big brother!

We got some other really sad news this week. A couple that we are really close to is splitting up. My heart is breaking for both of them. I have been through it and would never wish that pain on anyone, not even my worst enemies. It makes me stop and realize that I take my dear sweet husband for granted. I don't let him know how much he means to me. It is our anniversary this week so what better time to show him all that he means to me. Now if I just had a clue on how to show him.....beyond the obvious, that is. Something really special. I am going to have to think, think, think.

I wish...

That I could always be so patient and cool headed, but alas, I am human. I have my moments. I have been following Christine's vlogs on therapeutic parenting and trying to learn sooo much. She had a wonderful one on lying and trying to get our kids to tell the truth. bottom line is they will dig in and never tell the truth if you try and make them. But, but, but......No, no buts, they still get a consequence but save your breath trying to get them to admit something.

Yeah, I heard the information but it is sooo much harder to actually do it in the heat of the moment. This morning Little S kicked Levi in the mouth. I saw it, I knew what happened, but do you think I could get him to ADMIT he kicked his brother? Heck no. After minutes of me arguing with a 4 year old and LOSING (yeah, goodbye pride...) it finally dawned on me. I stopped, put him in a chair until he could say he was sorry, stopped arguing with him and just told him he was in control of when he got out of the chair. Then I walked away. Totally frustrated and mad at myself, but quiet. Little S sat there for a good 10 minutes, first crying big tearless fake sobs, then whining loudly, then finally pouting quietly. Eventually he got off the chair and apologized to Levi. I praised him for that and told him to go play.

Man, these techniques sound so simple, if A then B, etc. But in reality it goes against every parenting instinct. I have a lot to learn and practice!

Crisis managed

This is a typical event at our house and happens many times a day. Switch out the item in question, the players and the level of hitting/screaming and lather, rinse, repeat.

Boy 1: Has ball.

Boy 2: Wants ball. Decides that best way to get ball is to scream in Boy #1's ear.

Boy #1 smacks offending Boy #2.

Boy #2 responds by wildly flailing, smacking and screaming at Boy #1.

Mom steps in. Arguing I let them try and solve themselves, physical contact and I step in.

1st, I separate them and quiet them down. I talk quietly and if they interrupt I hold up one finger, tilt my head and remind them I am talking. This usually works.

I ask Boy #2 if he tried asking nicely for the ball. He starts to say, 'But I..' and I cut him off. This is a yes or no answer, did you ask nicely. He starts, 'Well, I..' and I cut him off. I keep reminding him that I am asking a simple yes or no question and just need an answer, not an argument. He eventually mumbles No and pouts.

In the meantime, Boy #1 is trying to interrupt over and over again and I stop him too. I explain that I am talking to Boy #2 and that he will have a turn next. I finally ask him if he thought he handled the situation well, and he admits he didn't. I ask him how he could have done better and he tells me.

I then tell Boy #2 if he still wants the ball to please ask nicely. He pouts for a little while longer, then asks Boy #1, 'Can I have the ball, please?' and Boy #1 hands it to him with a smile. They all play happily for a little while.

Mommy pours herself more coffee, wishes she had some Kahlua to add to it, and attempts to read more than one sentence in the paper.

Lather, rinse, repeat.

Oh, and we instituted a new star chart yesterday. To earn a star a child needs to do something nice, unexpectedly and without being asked, for another brother. Sharing does not count, it is expected. Conversely, hurting a brother without being provoked causes the offending child to lose a star. So far they are struggling to understand what will earn a star. There has been lots of trying to give each other things, etc and that doesn't count. (They can't yell, 'Look Mommy, I gave him the ball' and get a star) We'll see how this goes....

Pix and updates

Isn't this an amazing picture of Ashley? As Kaytee always says, she is cute but Ashley is beautiful. Truly beautiful.

These two boys share a passion/addiction to the Wii. We let them play some each day but have to limit it. No couch potatoes allowed!
I swear this child was meant for us, with his love, love, love of cheese. We are one cheesy family! By the way, he has gained almost 6 pounds and grown almost an inch in a month. I think he is trying his best to compete with Ahren! So long college fund, hello food bill. Hee!
We like to make home-made pizzas and I let each of the boys roll out their own pizza dough. (Home made dough by me of course!) Then they got to top them and get them ready for the oven. It was messy but a blast. They are so proud of their creations and snarf them down.
Little S really got into his work. How this child got flour in his ear I will never know....
Mommy, mommy, take my picture!! I hear that a lot around here.
One day before school they decided I needed to take pictures of them so they got some accessories and posed for me. Can you see that Little S is catching up in height to Ahren? (Of course the spiked hair helps...)
We got new bicycles for the two little boys. They are identical except for a big A or S on the front. It has been really cold but that hasn't stopped them from enjoying them. With the long driveway around the house and to the barn plus the basketball court they have plenty of room to ride without ever getting near the street.
Loving his new ride and trying to stay warm. Lips are blue? Time to come in!
On warmer days this is the walk the men folk take each evening. They take our black lab Jackson for a walk around the pond, throw out fish and turtle food and bond. That's Levi on his four wheeler in the background. Note the helmet. It is only a battery powered 4-wheeler but it can go pretty fast and we are teaching him the safety rules right off the bat.

Amazing! We passed an entire week without one illness. No one threw up, no fevers, no infections, no snotty noses, no visit to the doctors office. It was like a vacation!!!!

Kaytee has been accepted into 6 or 7 colleges and now she had to do the hard task of deciding where to go. Each of the schools offered the medical background classes she is interested in, each had pro and cons and each needed careful consideration. Well, after lots and lots of research, she has chosen her college. Texas Tech!!!! She will be a Red Raider come this fall. She is rooming with a friend and we have her room reserved and her dining package selected. She is registered for orientation and this is really happening. My BABY!!!! How soon is too soon to start crying???????

Ahren woke up at 12:35 last night and proceeded to wake up most of the household. He hasn't done that in a while. He then proceeded to stay awake for 2 hours, keeping both me and Little S awake the entire time. Some of it was S's fault too. They feed off of each other. They were not throwing fits, just wouldn't settle down and kept getting out of bed. The consequence for not sleeping at night? Naps! They are both sound asleep right now. There was much whining and complaining about having to lay down, but both were asleep in minutes. Me? No such luck. No naps for Mommy, just good coffee and the knowledge that they will remember naptime the next time they think they can stay up all night.

Nonsense questions and chattiness

A while back I talked about how Ahren would ask a single, nonsense question over and over and over. I'm not talking 5 or 6 times, I m talking 20, 30 or 40 times. Seriously. At the time, I didn't recognize it as a sign of an attachment disorder, but now I know. When he sat in his carseat and asked Daddy 47 times, 'What doing Daddy?', even though we answered him, it wasn't a sign of curiosity. Nope. Not at all. He knew what Daddy was doing. It wasn't about that. Not at all. He needed us to respond, no matter what, to him. He needed to hear us, to know we heard him, to be answering him no matter what. A control issue perhaps?

We have dealt with this in various ways. Answered him, given him nonsense answers, told him we know what he is doing and won't play, joked and teased. Somehow, it has worked and he is much better. Which one worked? I have no idea. He still asks non-sense questions, but not repeating like before.

Ahren likes to talk non-stop in the car. My theory is he knows we are a captive audience so we have to listen. He will talk and talk and talk and talk. Just to hear himself talk. He doesn't say anything that is conversational or we can answer, just non-stop chatter. We have been interrupting him with our own non-sense and it has slowed his chatter. He has to stop and think about what we say, form a response and it slows him down. We also play games like 'who can be quiet the longest', He is very competitive so this helps.

Any other ideas out there on how to deal with a small child and this behavior? I appreciate any and all ideas!!!

Oh My Goodness.....

This morning Levi, at the ripe ol' age of 6 1/2, asked me what this word meant.....are you ready for this.............

Antidisestablishmentarianism

I had to make him say it twice because I didn't believe what I heard.

I told him we would look it up together later.

I am soooo in trouble.

Lessons Learned the Hard Way

I am of a certain age where I should have quite a storehouse of wisdom. You would assume so, anyways. Unfortunately I am also quite stubborn and that tends to be my downfall.

For your reading pleasure I bring to you some things I have recently learned the hard way:

1) Denying to yourself that you are getting the sickness of the week will NOT prevent you from getting it.

2) Taking your children to indoor 3D black-light mini golf while in that state of denial is NOT a good idea.

3) In further denial, do NOT eat mexican fast food for lunch. I can't stress that one enough.

4) Do NOT promise to take aforementioned children to Target later in the day when denial of stomache bug is clearly NOT working.

5) Do not attempt parenting, therapeutic of plain jane, while trying not to hurl mexican fast food at your offspring. Yelling, 'Just leave me alone' while in the bathroom is really unacceptable, even if you are having a 'reversal of fortune' at the time.

And so, I hope that you are not as stubborn as I am and that you can learn something from my mistakes. Now please forgive me while I go lie on the couch and pretend dinner will make itself.

Oh, and I did manage to get the van cleaned. Three rounds of Lysol soaking by me plus a professional shampooing did the trick. Thanks for all the suggestions!

Worst Lunch Hour EVER

I spent the morning at work after dropping everyone off at school/preschool. I then swung by the pre-school to get all the littles and headed home. We had just walked in the door when Little S told me he was going to throw up. I rushed him to the bathroom but the door was locked and it was in use. So I snatched him up and ran for the kitchen sink, making it just in time for the geyser to blow.

I got him cleaned up and settled down and then the phone rang. It was the school nurse and I needed to pick up Levi. I got there, checked him out and had to take the long way home because the back street into our neighborhood was blocked off. About one block from the house I heard gulp, gulp, splaaaash, splash, splash. Sure enough Levi was vomiting all over the inside of the van. He had just finished lunch so there was a lot.

I got him home, cleaned up and into bed and went out to try and clean up the worst in the van. It is down into the seats, under the seats, in the seat belt tracks, everywhere. I soaked it with Lysol, wiped up everything I could see, soaked it all again and left the van in the garage with all the windows open. I drove the other car back to work.

Both boys fell asleep and later threw up again. They seem better now. We will see how tonight goes. It's only a matter of time before everyone else is hit with this.

Anyone want to purchase a used, very smelly van?????

Follow in the footsteps of greatness

There was a saying I once heard that really hit a note with me. It said something to the effect of 'Don't try and create your own greatness by yourself. Instead, stand on the shoulders of the great who went before you and see the horizon.' I want to be the best mom I can be for all my kids and so I seek out those who have ben there/done that. In my quest, I have found a few people who have resonated deep into my soul. People who think the way I think. Who feel the way I feel. Who want what I want. Today I will introduce you to a few of them. And so, in no particular order, I bring you this:

http://www.welcometomybrain.net/ (Sorry, I never figured out how to imbed a link in blogger)

This is Christine, mom to traumatized children and keeper of all patience and wisdom. She posted a couple of videos in dealing with traumatized children. I watched them carefully and sure enough, what she was teaching came into play very soon. She talked about traumatized kids pretending they can't do something in a bid for attention and reassurance. This morning Little S, at the age of 4 years, suddenly forgot how to drink out of a cup. I caught myself reacting exactly like she described. (Seriously, you can't drink from a cup?) And I responded differently. I started praising him for doing something else well and sure enough, he magically remembered how to drink from his cup. Whew! This woman is saving my butt daily.

http://goldtorefine.blogspot.com/ This is Blaine and Diana. When they went to adopt from Ukraine they got way more than they bargained for. They got RAD and Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome and lots of other things that come with nice little initials. Their blog is full of realism, love and strength. Their words hit a chord with me. Their struggles are monumental and yet they deal with them with grace and wisdom and the strength of our lord God. I love it that they do not sugar-coat their family. I am sure we do not see the entirety of what they deal with, but I also respect that they know the general population would never understand these kids. It's hard enough to battle to heal the kids daily but add to it the battles they have had with school and church to understand and not add to the problems, they are saints. Seriously!

http://theaccidentalmommy.blogspot.com/ This is Essie, The Accidental Mommy. She has one bio daughter and one adopted from a disruption. She handles the challenges with humor and spirit. Even the worst aspects of dealing with small children (ie: pee, poo and vomit) are told in funny stories with poignant moments. She has a way with words that touches me, makes me laugh and makes me want to hug her all at the same time. Our children seem to channel each other at times, simultaneously decorating the walls with cherry chapstick.

There are more and I don't mean to hurt any feelings by not listing someone. These are just my current faves and go-to sites. To these three ladies, THANKS!!!!

Little S Update

Little S had the best day today! He is such a happy little guy most of the time. He is processing some big emotions but doing a fantastic job of it. Today I got a million hugs and kisses, lots of good eye contact and conversation and about a million smiles. He is my constant shadow, right by my side. He wants to help with everything I do. He wants my constant attention and always wants to know if I think he is doing good.

Our conversations have been quite deep lately. We talk a lot about good and bad, and being mad and angry. I tell him over and over it is OK for him to be mad, that he is entitled to that emotion and to let it out. He has every right to be angry and that keeping it inside is a bad thing at this point. I could almost see him relax knowing that. I keep telling him that there are good ways to let it out and I will help him. He is accepting my help which is huge.

He is eating and sleeping extremely well. He loves to play outside, take baths and sit in my lap. He is bonding well with his brothers and playing really well with other kids. It is so sweet, he and Holly play baby. Little S is the baby and Holly is the mommy and takes care of him. It is so cute!!! He is loving school and doing fantastic! He has a hunger to learn and it really excites him to go to school. His teacher, my friend, just loves him to pieces!

So although we are working hard and there are times I want to pull my hair out, things are really, really good. I would not be able to do this, though, without the help and wisdom of some very wonderful ladies. Next time I am going to post all about the women who have gone before me and paved the way. Strong, loving, resilient Mama's who have really had a rough road. They are my inspiration!!!

Random Quickies

Bullseye, the deer with an arrow in her face, is still with us. The arrow is lodged into her sinus cavity, the tip caught under the bone, so little chance it is going to fall out on it's own. She still seems healthy and alert, not skinny so she is getting enough to eat. The animal rehab people still show up about once a week to try and get her with the tranquilizer gun but she is a crafty devil. Personally I think she is enjoying all the attention!

Levi got in trouble at school and had to drop his color to yellow. This is highly unusual. he NEVER gets in trouble at school. As his punishment he had to walk around the perimeter of the playground at recess with his arms crossed on his chest. Boy, when he got home, he was adamant he would NEVER get in trouble again. What did he do? He was being silly. Yeah, I know, the apple didn't fall from his parental trees!

Little S has been testing some limits. We have random outbursts of trash talk. The funny thing is that at 4 years old the extent of trash talk is along the lines of 'poopy, diaper baby' etc. Now that Little S is testing, Ahren is ramping it up too. Oh boy, RADish behavior in stereo. Luckily they have not thought of anything that I have not seen before, and nothing that comes even remotely close to upsetting me. They end up upsetting each other most of the time while they try and out-do each other.

So life is full and busy and good and amazing. The house is LOUD with three small boys, but mostly filled with happy sounds. The weather has been good so they spend many hours a day outside burning off energy. That makes for some really stinky, tired boys, just the way I like them!

Therapeutic Parenting Skills

Therapeutic parenting is a style of parenting that is designed to help children heal from past traumas. Some kids have huge and ugly past histories, others have minor issues that trip them up in many subtle ways. In some children it is just obvious that their past is going to make their lives hard and with others you may not know or realize something that traumatized them.

Ashley had trouble bonding. Even though she is my biological child, born of my body and loved from conception, she had trauma. Hers came from being really ill her first two years of life. Her little world was filled with pain and I could not make it go away. I failed her, did not protect her and she didn't trust me. Now I get that. At the time I had no clue. Not one single tiny clue. She and I laugh now how she used to torture me, the antics she pulled and our battle to survive it all and find our love for hearts other.

When it became clear that Ahren would not be coming home as the infant we were promised, I began to study. He was in a fantastic foster home and was very loved. He never had to be moved around. I still knew that as well as they prepared him to join our family, it was not going to be easy on him at the age of almost-three to lose everything and everyone he knew and be dropped into a new life. I spent many hours holding him. Mine was the last face he saw at night and the first when he woke up. We didn't go anywhere or see many people. I sat on the floor and stayed eye level with him as much as possible. I fed him, rocked him, loved him. I learned toddler spanish so I could communicate with him. He has a few issues, ones we deal with, but overall he is doing great. (Ask me on the days his behavior is off the charts and I might not be so glowing. Hah!) At this point we have way more good days than bad, and even the bad ones are much better than before.

Lil S is going to have issues. This is the fourth home he has lived in, whether he remembers them or not. That is a lot of loss for a little guy. He isn't old enough to be able to verbalize his feelings and the really big scary feelings will come out in negative behaviors. The types of things we are taught as parents often backfire on traumatized kids. It is a whole new set of rules and none of it is intuitive. One thing I learned is that if they see you get angry, they win. They get something positive out of that and I don't mean that in a good way. It reinforces their idea that they are not loved and they have just proved it. Don't try telling them that they are cutting off their nose to spite their face, they just won!

So today we were outside riding bikes and the sky got dark and stormy. I made the boys come in but Lil S was not happy about it. He proceeded to sulk and hide behind a dining room chair. I let him sit there for a minute, then I sat down on the floor and started to talk quietly to him. I told him it was ok to be upset. He wanted to ride and we couldn't and he could be sad and mad about it. Then I talked about how sometimes I am sad or mad when things don't work out, even if it's not anyone's fault. Then I carefully asked what else he was mad about, like maybe having to switch homes again. And it started to come out. He was able to tell me a few things that he was really hurting about. When I listened and then repeated it back to him, showing him I understood and it was OK, he finally lifted his eyes to mine and then climbed into my lap to hold me tight. And then we played Wii! Baby steps. Baby steps. That is therapeutic parenting.

Bringing the week to a close

Ahren has a double ear infection and bronchitis, Levi is still down with the nasty fever from the virus and Lil S is coughing but feeling pretty good.

Here is Lil S with his hair spiked up for school today. Even though Ahren couldn't go, Lil S still wanted to go and had a wonderful time. I didn't stay today but he did great.

I felt so rotten yesterday that I caved and got McFast food for the boys for dinner. You would have thought they had won a trip to Disney they were so happy.

The cheesy grin. Little goofball.

This is from the first day of school. Bag packed, new school clothes and raring to go. He goes three mornings a week and is in the same class as Ahren, which is taught by a good friend of mine. They didn't have room for him, but the day I called, thirty minutes later another parent called and withdrew their child. The hand of God is all over this!
I tried to get a good pic of Ahren for this post, and this is what I got. At least Mina looks adorable.

And the sickness sets in....

Gosh, we were doing so well. Settling in, getting a routine in place, all of that. And then....Lil S spiked a big fever two nights ago. It was a long rough night. The next day I took him to the doctor and he has an ear infection and a cold. It's amazing how fast antibiotics work. He felt much better this morning. He even got to go to school for the very first time. (I stayed the whole 3 hours just to reassure him, but he really didn't need me.) He had a blast. Tonight he ate his dinner and Ahren's too!

This evening both Ahren and Levi are coughing and have fevers and I am feeling pretty awful. Oh great, just when I need all the energy I can muster I am knocked low by a stinkin virus. Then we got an e-mail from Levi's school that a stomach bug is going around. Oh man, not that!!! Anything but that!!!

Otherwise, we are doing great. Lots of bonding work going on, lots of snuggling and talking (both Ahren and Lil S) and lots of reassurances all around. Did you know that for every bad thing a child hears or thinks it takes at least 50 good things to undo the damage to their self-esteem? That is why you have to repeat everything over and over and over until your mind is numbed and you are about to explode. It's the same way with simple everyday activities. Do you know how many times a day I say 'put on your shoes' and yet we NEVER leave the house without shoes. Aw, the primitive brain.

Levi and Lil S have really bonded. Levi is so sweet, helping him, hugging him, and they play so well together. They are a lot alike, those two. Ahren, well, he is a jealous mess, as expected. He is getting lots of positive attention and guidance. It's weird, because he is younger than Lil S but so much bigger. He also acts quite a bit younger. Lil S is quite self-sufficient where Ahren NEEDS help with everything. He is my little Princess!!!

Oh, and Lil S? He has the best manners ever. So polite! What a cutie!!!!

Another day, another son

I cannot even begin to explain how my head and heart are spinning. It took over three years to bring Ahren home. From day one we loved him and watched him grow, but could not be with him. Now suddenly, it was as if this child came into our lives in mere days. How does this happen? Why? Who? What? Where?

I know you all have a million questions. I can answer some, others are not for me to explain. Little S cam to us through the grace of God. We were not seeking another cild. We were not wishing for another child. We did not forsee another child. And yet, he dropped squarely and completely into our family. Poof!

When our adoption of Peri Brynn fell apart, part of me died. She needed us so much. She was so fragile and tiny and injured by her past. We wanted to bring her to us to heal and love her more than life itself. Trying to understand why that did not happen has been a constant thought in my head. Why, God, why? We wanted her, she needed us, why did you block her from coming to us? I spent a lot of time being very angry with God. A good and giving God would surely not let this tiny tot suffer so? My wishes were not being answered, and I held God accountable.

Then my sister said something to me, something I had heard before, but this time. This time is rang true. God has a plan and we do not know it. We just need to trust that the plan is proceeding and we will eventually see the wisdom. I cannot explain how hard that was for me.

And then, I was able to let go. I still loved Peri Brynn with all my heart, but I knew our role in her life was to be different than my plan. I accepted it. I finally made peace with it. We were OK.

And then, in a gigantic twist of fate, God brought Little S into our vision. We resisted at first. Both of us thought, oh no, we can't do this. We are full. We cannot do more. But he touched us, deeply and profoundly. His family touched us. The sincerity and honesty that they offered up were amazing. God led the way. He held our hands and showed us a new path. And we are so very grateful.

To little S, please know that we are so very blessed to have you. To know your precious little spirit. To be able to mold, guide and heal you. We have a lot of work ahead of us and at times it will NOT be pleasant. But it will always be filled with love, compassion, laughter and genuine caring. Again, so very blessed.

Oh, and Little S? This is a thirty pound, 4 year old, eating machine. This child is devouring everything in his sight. Forget about a college fund, this one needs a food fund!!!!! Hee!

Quick Update

The first 24 hours with Lil S have flown by. He has been outgoing and very social. he wants for us to see what he is doing at all times and follows me from room to room. I am keeping him very close to me. He fell asleep snuggled in his Daddy's arms last night (his request).

There have been moments of jealousy popping up today. Mostly from Ahren and Lil S over me. That is totally to be expected so I have made a huge effort to give them both extra one-on-one attention all day long. Plus lots of reassurances. It's a little like trying to fill a swimming pool with a thimble. Little by little, and it will take a long time.

Today was very, very busy. We talked this morning about turning one of the extra bedrooms into a room for Lil S and Ahren. Then I got a wild hair to do it today. (Quit snickering, it sounded perfectly logical in my mind) That involved a trip to Tar-Get and the purchase of some build-it-yourself furniture. Poor Chris got to spend the day on the floor wrestling dresser parts.

Well, the house is a disaster but the room is all ready! We are exhausted and happy.

Happy, amazed, thankful and very blessed. God is great!!!

Surprise, it's a boy.

Family and friends, please forgive me for keeping this huge secret. An opportunity recently was presented to us to privately adopt a little boy. He is two months older than Ahren. Today, he came to live with us. Meet little S. He is a teeny, tiny little peanut. Ahren outweighs him by almost 20 pounds.

Of course Ahren had to introduce him to the joys of the Wii. Little S picked it up right away.
The three Amigos. Ahren and Levi are so excited to have a new brother. They have taken turns holding his hand and sharing their toys with him.

Brothers Wii being cheered on by the Pirate Levi.

More info later. And to our dear families, sorry this is breaking news to you. We really wanted to share things with you but it all developed rather suddenly. Just trust us that we know what we are doing and are extremely happy!!!!

One of those days

Today has been challenging. Not in any huge and ugly way, but in a small, annoying, irritating, grating on the nerves ways. It began when I woke up at 3:30am and could not go back to sleep. My brain was in hyper-drive and I could not quiet it. So I got up and watched shows on the DVR until the sun came up. (For the record, the first two shows of American Idol crack. Me. UP!)

Then when Ahren woke up and I went to change his bandages, somehow he had torn something loose and the wound was bleeding. That made him freak out. FREAK OUT. Poor baby. I really thought it would look so much better by now.

Today was rainy and cold (YUCK!) and when I went to drop Levi off at school they had decided to work on the ditches by the school, blocking all the traffic. Poor Levi was late and so were many, many other kids today. I guess the drainage is just that important they could not wait 30 minutes to block the road. They waited to block it until everyone was all lined up on a street with no escape. Then they brought out the orange cones and the flagger dude. I am surprised that some commando Mom didn't run his puny arse over. (Yeah, I thought about it...but he might have left a dent.....)

I finally made it into work tired and grumpy. In the early afternoon I got pulled out of a therapy session because our nanny was calling. It seems she loaded up the 4 kiddos (ages 4, 4, 2, and 4 months) to go pick up Levi at school but she got there early. She turned the van off but left the heat, the lights and the radio running. For 25 minutes. Any guesses why she was calling? Anyone? Anyone? Beuhler???? Yeah, the battery was dead. I ran out, headed to the school, snatched poor Levi who was the LAST child waiting (oh how sad he looked) and went to jump the van.

Now here is where the story actually gets better. I got the hoods open on both vehicles, my jumper cables out, and was ready to do the deed! Miraculously a very handsome young policeman came to my rescue. He even helped me get the grease off my hands. I would have hugged him if he wasn't packing! We got the van started, Nanny on her way home and me back to work.

Tonight I am serving leftovers and apologies. Isn't that the way of the American Mom. Hey, it could be worse. I could be serving up peanut butter sandwiches and an attitude. You know what? Today was not really so bad.

Yahoo!

Things around these here parts are much much better. Ahren is still moving very slowly (can't complain about that!) but he is much improved. He actually slept really well last night, for the first time since the surgery. He is also being a total hoot. He is milking this for all it's worth. He sits on the couch all day long and calls for everyone to do his bidding. Bring me juice, change the channel, etc. When I tell him to get something himself, he whines pitifully and claims his legs are broken. It is so stinkin funny! When he thinks no one is looking he gets up and dances around and has a blast. When I call him on it, he just grins the most adorable grin and I give him a million kisses. This boy, he is a total drama queen!!!

Kaytee applied for colleges a few months ago and we had already gotten two acceptances. They weren't for her top choices but still nice to know someone wanted her. Then today, she got a BIG one. Baylor. She made it into BAYLOR!!!! I am doing a huge happy dance and she can't stop smiling. The campus is halfway between my house and her dad's house. It has all the medical classes she is interested in, and it is a fantastic school. I am so excited! (Then I start to think about her leaving for school and the excitement is just sucked right out of me. Letting go is so hard. .......)

Work has been getting busier and busier. Every week I have a new therapy patient. Today, I was working with a little boy who has really struggled. At his first progress check he had not made hardly any progress and was very disappointed (his mother and I were also very sad). Now, just a few sessions later, something has clicked. Today he absolutely BLEW ME AWAY! He was doing things that were absolutely incredible. Things he has never been able to do before. His Mom and I both double checked him, thinking he might be faking it. Nope, he was on fire. I had goose bumps and started to tear up. He was so excited! You could see he realized what he was doing and what he could suddenly see. He literally went from reading the chart with one eye at 3 feet to reading it at twenty feet. Boom! That eye and it's connection to the brain just figured out how to work. Sometimes it is like that, like a light bulb turning on. Other times it is gradual.

And so goes life in Chez Chaos. Kids and chores and kisses and tantrums. It's all good. Life is to be savored, one chaotic day at a time. All too soon the house will be quiet and my time will be my own. I want to breathe in every second of this time in our lives!!!!

Wake me when it's over

I love sleep. I always have. I need 8 solid hours a night to be at my best. Last night was not about sleeping. Not at all. But that's okay. I'll let you know why later.

We had a really hard time managing Ahren's pain. I didn't tell y'all what he had done, since it was kind of a private thing, but the info will help you to understand. Apparently in the past he has had some nasty infections in his wee member. His toot. His little man. The foreskin was fused to the head and there was lots of scar tissue. We tried for a year to gently ease it loose, but it was really stuck. He began to have pain when he 'ahem' rose to attention. There was only one solution and it was surgical. So there you have it, he has a re-constructed toot. And it is very painful.

We got behind in pain management and the pain ran away with him. The surgeon had injected it with a long-lasting med that was supposed to keep it numb for 24 hours, but it wore off in just a few hours. We finally got better control and he fell asleep around 9pm. Then at 10 pm he woke up and the next 6 hours were HORRIBLE! He screamed, he cried, he was in a medication daze but still not able to sleep. He would start to drift off then begin kicking, hitting, etc. He kicked me over and over again, by turning sideways and ramming both feet into me as hard as he could. He slapped me in the face, pulled my hair, kicked me, yanked my nose, etc. When he would wake up a little and realize he was hurting me he always said he was sorry and he was sincere. He just needed to lash out at the pain.

He fell asleep at 4 am and slept until 9 am. When he woke up he got snuggled in on the couch and seemed more comfortable. Later I sat him in a lukewarm tub and soaked most of the bandages off. he was so scared but he trusted me. Afterwards he said it didn't hurt. Just scared him.

Later he asked to get up so I got a loose bandage on him, some loose underwear and soft pants. He didn't eat well but he drank a lot and by late afternoon was playing happily. I am so proud of that little guy.

Happy Birthday to Ahren (turned 4) and Ashley (turned 15). I love you both!!!!!

Oh Ahren!

So this morning Ahren had a small surgical procedure that was necessary. He is left with a bunch of stitches and a LOT of pain. The doctor injected him with an analgesic that was supposed to leave him numb for 24 hours but it didn't work.

He had a horrible time coming out of the anesthesia. It took a long time even though it was light anesthesia. Then, as he awoke, he was very violent and scratched, punched and kicked me as I held him. I shrugged it off. As he tried again and again to punch me in the face, the nurse held his hand and began apologizing to me. I just held him and loved him. Once he got through that bad phase, he wanted his Mommy to hold him....all day. Yes, my boy does need me, he does trust me, he counts on me!!!!

The pain meds he had were not working and he fell asleep only to wake up crying and screaming in pain an hour later. The doctor called in stronger meds and he is now resting pretty comfortably.

For the next few days I will not leave his side. He wants me next to him, and that is a miracle. This surgery was minor, but the impact may be major! If he feels he can count on me, then that is huge. My poor sweet boy. I love him so so so much.

Ahren and Progress

I did a lot of reading before Ahren came home. I hoped I wouldn't need most of what I read but I also wanted to be prepared. For anything. To be able to be the best parent to him I could be.

And then he just melted into our family and acted as though he had always been there. I kept waiting for the honeymoon period to end, but it didn't. At least not for a very long time. Oh, he had some issues. He was almost 3 years old and still on a bottle every four hours. He couldn't do anything for himself. His muscle tone was extremely low. He was in orthotic boots and couldn't walk well. But, he ate like a champ, slept all night long, and learned english amazingly fast. He was a miracle angel boy.

Then little by little I began to see odd, unusual behaviors pop up. He began spitting when he got mad. He bit. He screamed. He regressed at stressful times. All of this seemed pretty normal for a child his age. Then the constant chatter and questions started. I have experienced normal questioning by kids. The why's, the wonder at what they see, the curiosity. This was different. he would ask the exact same question 30, 40, fifty times in a row. He would ask nonsense questions. He would chatter non-sense non-stop for hours. And he demanded a response to everything. He began to obsess over his shoes. As soon as he woke up he began demanding I put his shoes and socks on him. I would explain and explain that he needed to get his pants on first, be actually putting his pants on him, but his anxiety level just kept rising until he had his shoes on. He would end up in a complete rage, out of control and crying so hard he choked and vomited if he didn't get his shoes on fast enough. Okay, not normal.

After he was potty trained he would go through periods of wetting and soiling himself on purpose, then wanting to stay in the dirty clothes. He would lie and say he wasn't messy and avoid being discovered. Not because he would be in trouble (we never punished him or scolded him) but because he wanted to stay in control of it. It was HIS mess.

Then the nasty talk started. I still don't know where he heard these words. I hate you. I don't love you. You are not my mommy. He never said these things to anyone else. It was all directed at me. (Telling, huh? That is exactly how Ashley was. It was always me who was her target)

So this past couple of weeks, as his behavior escalated and he began to fall apart, I tried a few things. And much to my surprise, they are working. The last three days have been really good.

Here is what I tried:

1) I began sleeping with him. I moved Levi to our bed and I sleep with Ahren in their bed. I don't get a lot of sleep, but he is much calmer.

2) He has been getting an enforced nap every 2 to 3 days. He gave up naps a long time ago, but he needs this extra sleep right now.

3) Many times a day, I kneel down on the floor and look him in the eye and tell him I love him, he is my son, and I am so happy to be his mommy.

4) No outside activities. Nothing special. Nothing unexpected. Even if it is wonderfully fantastic, we do not do it. It's boring routine around here.

Next week we are all back to work and school and things should calm for a bit. Then, unfortunately, Ahren has to have a surgical procedure to correct a minor issue. It might be minor but I expect major fallout. This time we are prepared as best we can be. We will batten down the hatches, prepare for the rough seas, and arrive on the other side of this storm. I know we will.

Yarn Therapy

I love to knit. I am not very good at it, I don't like fancy-smancy patterns or learning new complicated techniques but I do love to knit. I knit for the pure enjoyment of knitting and to calm myself. There is something so therapeutic about taking a ball of yarn and creating something one stitch at a time.

A friend (Hey Connie!) gave me this pattern a year ago. I have been wanting to try it, but wimped out until now. I started it last night and finished it today. It is the first time I did 'colorwork' where you carry more than one yarn over the back of the piece. Turns out the pattern was super easy even though it said it was an intermediate level.

It's worked on circular needles on 96 stitches, starting with a standard 2x2 rib. There are 3 pattern repeats for this size hat (infant). I am thinking I might increase the pattern repeats and see if I can make my boys some skull and crossbones hats. This particular one is destined for baby Henry's head. He will be quite the lil skallywag!

I win, I win, I win!!!

Awww, Essie the Accidental Mommy over at http://theaccidentalmommy.blogspot.com/ tagged me with this blog award. I guess she understands how difficult the last few weeks have been and thought I could use a little pick me up. For the record, YUP, she was right on target. I luv, luv, luv the blog awards. 

So now I need to tell you ten things that make me happy and do at least one of them today.

1) Hugs. I am a hugging fool. Smile at me and I just might hug you, even if we are strangers in line at the bank.

2) Early morning quiet time, when I can sip my coffee and watch DVR'd shows in peace and quiet.

3) Knitting. I am on a kick knitting hats for an orphanage in India. I can whip out a hat in an hour with bulky yarn and no interruptions.

4) The smell of freshly bathed babes. (Larger stinky boys still smell just as good when they get out of the tub as little babies) 

5) Cooking, baking, creativity in the kitchen. I made home made lasagna the other day, noodles and all. It was definitely a labor of love.

6) Making my kids laugh. I made Levi laugh so hard today that snot shot out of his nose! Who knew dancing with a diaper on your head was so incredibly funny????

7) Hearing Ahren say, "Mommy, I wuv you'. 

8) My husband walking in the door at the end of the day.

9) Sliding between crisp, cool sheets at the end of the day.

10) Blogging buddies who leave comments and give me the strength to keep on keepin on.

I am supposed to nominate 10 more bloggers to receive this award but I need to think about it. There are so many great blogs out there and so little time.

Ahren Issues

Time for another little dose of reality on my blog. It is not all goodness and light all the time. I have an awesome fam, the bestest hubby, smart and sweet kiddos, etc etc. I always try and focus on the positive. But sometimes.....sometimes....I am positive I am losing my freaking mind!

The 2 weeks leading up to Christmas were increasingly difficult for Ahren. The excitement pushed him over the edge, so to speak. Behaviors we had not seen for months began to surface (spitting for one) He became more and more demanding, more and more helpless, and the whining. Oh the WHINING! How can a child manage to say one word, Mommy, with such a whine it could peel century old paint off the woodwork? 

Ahren became more and more clingy. He needed constant re-assurances about everything. he no longer could go to the potty by himself, feed himself, or even pull up his pants. He also began to ask questions. I am not talking about a normal toddlers questions. I am talking about asking the exact same question 30 or 40 times in a row. Even if I say Yes and start to do what he is asking, he keeps repeating the question. Over and over and over and over. Many, many times. 

He tells me he doesn't love me. He tells me I am not his Mommy. He says he hates me. He tells me he doesn't love me anymore. (We do not talk like that so I have NO idea where he gets this language from) Then when one of the other kids calls me Mommy, he freaks out and says I am HIS Mommy, and claims me all to himself. Right now he is sitting on the floor screaming at me that he doesn't love me and he is not part of our family all because I turned the Wii off. (Keep in mind this kid has not even turned four years old yet) I just keep telling him it's too bad he doesn't love me because I love him and that's not going to change. He is stuck with me. 

I try and remain calm and unfazed by all this. The more he lashes out the more I show him love. The actions tell me that he is that insecure and the worse his actions are the more support he needs. Oh My Goodness it is HARD. Here is my sweet, cherubic, beautiful boy, one I fought so hard to bring home. And he HATES me. (Not really, I know that) 

Oh Man, I am so glad the holidays are over. We need a healthy dose of normalcy. A big ol RUT to slide into. Some boring, same ol' same ol'. And maybe a few extra hugs, some Xanax and a vacations away form the kids!!!!!!

So there you have it. The warts, the ugliness, the flaws. Sigh.......I love him so much!